Well shit I talked to Suzie last night and decided then not to write this out but I can't find my balance so while I may not leave this one up I found I must write it out for the support and knowledge that lies here.

I had not been… Read full post »

Algis Kemezys had offered me the most incredible gift, he would do a sculpture for my son.  I mentioned to him my first husband did a version of this so he suggested I do a post. I have been staring at the pictures he sent me for days now and this is where they… Read full post »

  I found out yesterday that the gravestone I had helped design was too large for my son's grave. Also that the cemetary does not want more than one "body",ashes really, per small gravesite. Even though the paper work said you could have up to 3, as the man explained to… Read full post »

This morning after choking on my tears while brushing my teeth while thinking about my day today, the quick drive into town for a blood test for the husband for the hell trip after work tomorrow to Livermore, the late after work meeting today where I need to know… Read full post »

I know I will, in time, accept my son has died, I know I will quit crying, find my smile again. It may take longer than I want it to or maybe it will take just the right amount of time and I need to accept that too.

But for now… Read full post »

2 months ago today my son died and this Sunday would have been his 40th birthday.

I need you all everyone of you who have ever commented on my posts, who have ever made me a favorite YOU are what have brought me to this place in my life. Without you,… Read full post »

Is how I have just realized I feel, my son’s death, my alcoholic husband, my 19 year old son who tries he really does try but he is 19. I had my son at 19, thinking back I thought I was so grown up, found myself thinking why isn’t he more… Read full post »

I admit it I have been having an extremely hard time lately, it seems now can I not only not discuss my twins in public, I cannot bring up my son in public either. If I join a conversation with somebody and we talk about our kids well mine didn't… Read full post »

 I keep going over my son's life in my head, not on purpose, it seems it has a life of its own and every single moment is being spent remembering trying to make some sense of his death.

While I know everyone dies, no one is getting out alive; I… Read full post »

This picture makes me sad, I just realized I was sitting and staring at it, remembering...

My sister gave me pictures yesterday from mom's stuff she has been going through for us all. I sat down this morning after my son left put the CD she burned for me on… Read full post »

My sister called yesterday having seen an eagle in her tree ( among other signs but that is her story) and having never seen one there before in all their years living in this house she knew it was a sign from Joey, as the hawk I saw and keep seeing… Read full post »

I am trying something new, to me, cleansing my Chakras the first time tonight with the help of a CD.

Maybe I have just been on automatic pilot since my son became sick or maybe I just stepped outside myself, like watching a show that keeps going on even when… Read full post »

Word of warning never ever open an email that says memorial stones first thing when you get to work in the morning. 

No matter how strong you think you are it truly sucks to see your child’s name emblazoned forever on marble in two very different stones.  

This is going to… Read full post »

 Every morning I wake up take the dog out, feed the 5 cats their one can of cat food they split, each waiting at his designated spot for his share, and then I get in the shower and my son’s last days fill my head and I cry.

Just like… Read full post »

It is not a question I am contemplating pursuing except in thought so please don't worry.

I wonder if all parents or spouses don't wonder about this at some point while they heal, maybe even when you lose parents, siblings if you are incredibly close.

 Healing is a slow… Read full post »

I have buried two sons, my first at one year 2 weeks, just starting life, and the second 2 months shy of turning 40, starting life over happy.

I turned inward with my first and outward with my second. I forgot with both how others were affected except for my son's… Read full post »

I come in to work and I cry until people show up, I took my husband to his VA appointment yesterday and started crying because they wanted me to fill out his damn papers to see how much we made last year, they finally gave them too me to take home,… Read full post »

My sister and I had been searching for a bench to place by my son's grave, planning to be able to sit when visiting Joe and Grandma. Her husband checked OSH for us and found a couple so we raced over and picked the one we wanted and asked them if… Read full post »

 Today is the day we are going to lay my son's ashes to rest. Yesterday I was fine and running off cards to hand his friends and thinking about all the good times and it was just a day like all others.

But today I get up feed the cats, take… Read full post »

Pain so strong it takes your breath away

Tears so many you fear you will drown

Bargaining to wake up, please to wake up

Anger at everything, at everyone

Stop laughing, stop playing

Can't you see I am dying inside, I'm already dead

To breathe easy again

To laugh well again… Read full post »

Where do I start?

We grew up together me 2 months from turning 19 when you were born. You were only 11 years younger than your youngest uncle. You not only grew up with me but with all of your aunts and uncles too.

You were the apple of… Read full post »

 My son seemed okay when we left last night, his fever down, his blood pressure good.

When I came in this morning most of his medicine was turned off and when I touched his hand I knew he was no longer in his body.

He had a major stroke when the shunt… Read full post »

My son is still fighting, they have placed him on a cooling blanket to help his fever and changed his antibiotic again to the strongest they have.

Suzie was there yesterday and they asked her if we had folks praying for him and she told them so many, halfway across the… Read full post »

My son went critical again last night, his fiance calling me from the hospital. His blood pressure was sky high and his fever climbing. He has yet another infection in his lungs.

She text me later and said his fever was down and he was breathing well.

So I slept.....

I… Read full post »

Me not so great……. 

I woke up this morning, after two days in Fresno driving the two hours home last night feeding the cats, setting up my coffee for work today, and then thinking screw food falling into bed, to find I am really tired.

 I am torn by my desire… Read full post »