Todd Matthew 5/10/77-5/28/78

His name was Toddy and this is his story. Not an easy story to write.

I had one son age 5 when I got pregnant again. The day I was admitted to the hospital was the day they found out I was having twins. 6 lbs 13 oz was his sister and 8 lbs 2 oz was Toddy. Healthy both of them.I was swamped. Had to find another crib and clothes and diapers and I remember thinking how will I tell them apart and then thinking silly they are a boy and girl. My husband wasn't much help but I nursed them both and we were getting by.

Then one day at 9 months I found a knot on his head. I thought he had fallen and I took him to the Dr and from there until the end it was a whirlwind. So many Dr's so many wrong diagnosis so many worried looks. I ended up in San Fransisco in the children's ward. I wouldn't go home for three months. Test after test, surgeries and needles. Oh how he hated the needles. I would hold and rock him and play his little musical box over and over and he would cling to me and his blanket.  They found out what it was, metastatic neuroblastoma, no cure, not even a reason except that he was born with it and while inside me he was protected. They were going to try chemotherapy and then radiation. I was nursing him so I got to stay with him more than some other mothers. They still made me leave sometimes and go to this room with mats on the floor inside the hospital so they could come get me at anytime. I don't remember showering or changing clothes or eating as money was not something we had to spare. Around the second month they discovered he was now blind from a tumor pushing in his head. I couldn't leave him but when I had to and I came back in the room and he was crying he quit, he knew it was me and he settled down. I was his only  link left to life.

After chemo I was moved to a home that shared rooms. I got the large room as with a baby he would cry. I sedated him by day and pushed the stroller to the hospital and they made these purple marks on his head and he had this cast they placed over his head to hold him still. He would cry all night but not take any medicine but I kept trying to soothe him. One wonderful memory hard to write about but it was a good day. He laughed and I blew on his belly and he tried to crawl away from me and we hugged and laughed and I loved him so much. My sister came up and brought my other two children and I was so happy to see them. They brought food also once and it was so good.

The radiation was done and there was a meeting. It had not worked. What did we want to do. Our options were some medicine that may prolong his life a little but not save him. I remember asking them but not save him and they said no...............My husband and I talked and we knew what to do but it was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. We took him home to die. The hospital sent some nurses out to help us arrange everything, the mortuary, they brought the medicine I would need to ease his pain as it had become intolerable to my little man. So morphine and waiting. I remember at this point a conversation with God that I had. I asked him if my baby wasn't meant to be here any longer could he please not let him suffer anymore. He died the next night. His father held him as I was so afraid and I felt so bad I couldn't hold him at the end but I was so scared. He took a breathe and he opened his eyes and looked at someone I don't know who came to earth to get him but I know they came and cradled him in their arms and he didn't hurt anymore. We had him cremated with his liitle blanket and took his ashes to a beautiful place I go and visit. I still feel him around sometimes and I remember telling his brother who was 5 how Toddy was going to heaven so he wouldn't hurt anymore and I wonder how this has affected his sister who was his twin.

I always worried if that is when I lost his dad who was a caring gentle soul and then wasn't anymore. I had years of therapy, agoraphobia, panic attacks. But I decided something. I felt I had had twins because I needed to stay and I don't know that I would have if I hadn't had another baby who needed me. There is much more to this story and things I have probably left out that I meant to say but I guess I will end it for now as it is still after 31 years so hard to write. I still miss him so very, very much.

My little man

The tree in the forest where his and his fathers ashes are.