Smile though your heart is breaking

PEACE

to all who enter here

Lunchlady 2

Birthday: March 05

Bio: I have been here, oh my, 2 or 3 years and in that time I have seen my youngest daughter wed and have my first beautiful granddaughter. I have seen a son join the Navy and fly away and I have buried my oldest son. This makes two sons I have lost and right now the world seems unfair and harsh but someday I will smile again and remember the good times more than the bad. Did I mention the alcoholic husband who has been in the hospital three times near death...it makes me wonder much about why some live, yet don't, and some die who are just starting to live. Out of 6 children I still have 4 and they are the light of my life....

MY RECENT POSTS

An Angel's Footprint
May 25, 2012 08:36AM
My ( step) Son Graduates
May 24, 2012 08:45AM
I Just Don't Know
May 12, 2012 07:03PM
Happy Birthday to my Daughter
May 10, 2012 08:28AM
When your children die
January 10, 2012 08:16AM

MY RECENT COMMENTS

“Thankfully my season has started and I hope yours comes soon! Beautiful picture a…”
May 28, 2012 08:50PM
“I could read most of it and what a wonderful piece of family history to have, to…”
May 28, 2012 08:47PM
“Oh I would so love if someone taped a bit of the play and shared it here so we co…”
May 28, 2012 08:40PM
“Nice almost like I was watching it all take place.”
May 28, 2012 07:42PM
“I feel like I should say Amen..and I am thankful you shared this.”
May 28, 2012 07:25PM

Lunchlady 2's Links

New list: A Gift from a Friend; Changes and Song, I sing again; I sing my best for you; Finding my voice; I Sing the Body Imperfect; Lunchlady Sings; The Truth About OS; My Metamorphosis; Mom's still dying; the Impossible Dream and mymom; Smile though your heart is breaking; Death Watch; My Sister Suzie; Childhood Cancer; His Name was Todd Matthew

« Back to Posts

OCTOBER 7, 2009 9:31PM

Rate: 17 Flag

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu-rLA4POkI

Smile though your heart is breaking

Breaking it is but here I sit and when folks walk by mom’s room I smile and wave and they stop to talk and I am strong and protective and I smile.

Our family has the gift of smiling, we light up, we make others around us light up and we know it and it is a wonderful gift. It is also, at this point in life, a lie. I am not happy, I am not joyful I sit and I listen to the music we keep on for mom and when she moves I panic and I think, no, I scream in my head, please don’t die on my watch, please……

Then she settles back down and I breathe a sigh of relief and go back to writing or playing cards as there is not much else to do on a death watch except worry and wait.

It is almost surreal as mom is not really dieing she is just pretending like all the other times we talked in whispers but this time is different and I must remind myself, this is it, no encore, no last big number you have been waiting to hear, the band is leaving the room and they are through playing no matter how loud you clap and stomp they are leaving, never to return.

And it sucks but is how life is and it can’t be changed no matter how much you want it to change. People die and people live on without them whether they want to or not.

It can’t be made better or fixed because it isn’t broken it is just time. Time to let go and look forward and accept it sucks but it is all we have.

It’s close now, I’m scared, my eyes won’t quit leaking.

My hope is that in the night she will visit and say goodbye and then go to each of the rest of us and we will all know at the same time that peace is finally here…..please God

We are tired, mom is tired, it is time for all of us to let go and get some rest.

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Comments

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So sorry, dear. So sorry. This is such a difficult time. I wish there was a real way to help.
xo

wakingupslowly

October 07, 2009 09:38 PM

Hang in there, Lunchlady - remember to breathe - write when you can and must - be gentle with yourself. Sending virtual hugs and hopefully a moment or two of peace.

Owl_Says_Who

October 07, 2009 09:45 PM

I know the smile...and it is heartbreaking to hear of you and your sister's time spent with your mother like she is. I don't think there is a pretty ending anymore. Just cruel torture for everyone. I'm so sorry you are living this now. (((Hugs))) And this too shall pass.

BuffyW

October 07, 2009 09:47 PM

Hang in there.... Smile though your heart is breaking.. You are in my thoughts and prayers..
Sending many cyber {{{{HUGS}}} your way..

fireeyes24

October 07, 2009 10:15 PM

waking up you do help by offering comfort and it is enough thank you
owl thank you yes the breathing I remember then mom moves and needs to hold my hand and I forget but yes deep breathes
Buffy I read what you say and go of course she knows the smile so recently it was you smiling and I am sorry
fireeyes24 thank you for the hugs I needed them. I just thought when this song came into my head while I was smiling and acting normal that I must write this and then find the song.
I try not to be maudlin but it helps so much when you can get it out, out of your head and some release for your heart. I am glad you are all walking beside me as friends and for now goodnight it has been a long day.....

Lunchlady 2

October 07, 2009 10:31 PM

iamsurly

October 07, 2009 10:58 PM

oh god, you write so freaking well and so beautifully, girl! please don't be afraid of her dying on your watch. that will just mean that she feels safe in your presence, so safe that she's finally able to let go and let Godiverse. really, love. when richard was so ill and getting hospice care, we had that talk and he was so relieved when i told him that he could go, he could leave me. he left soon after that.

you capture this awful experience, this vigil, so beautifully. and you're not a liar at all. you are acting As If and that is just fine. you're being courteous. and kind. nothing wrong with that!!!

i LOVE that you and yours bring Light to others. im' told i do the same thing, that they enjoy my Vitality or something. so i know just waht you mean. you will soon be able to Light people up again. and if she doesn't die soon, maybe it's time to not stand guard. maybe it's time to reclaim your lives more. would she want you and Suzie to suffer like this? just wondering. did you see my comment to Suzie? about getting the residents to dance or move around, about sharing your Light with them? love love love and gratitude

Theodora L'Engle Knight

October 07, 2009 11:07 PM

Lean on those close to you, allow yourself to breakdown (giving yourself breaks to cry it out is a release, you need it) Sending you hugs and keeping you and yours in my prayers.

LadyMiko

October 07, 2009 11:18 PM

There are no words to make it better for you. All I can say is that I am so very very sorry to hear of this as it is one of the hardest things to go through in life. The death of anyone is hard but it is made harder when you have to wait for it when you know it is coming and you can not stop it. At one point you want it to be over to stop the pain to stop waiting to stop hurting and on the other hand you never want it to happen so that you dont have to let go so that you never have to say good bye so that you never have to forget what they look like or sound like or smell. It is hard and would love to be able to lend an ear when ever you need one. I am going to add you to my faorites.

pacuttie

October 07, 2009 11:20 PM

I hope you can stop smiling if you want to stop. Sometimes it is easier for me to maintain the smile than to be 'real' in the moment (scared it'll all fall apart). But breathe. Write it out here as you can. We're here.

mypsyche

October 08, 2009 12:21 AM

Wishing for you and your family peace, keeping all of you in my prayers.

Bette Roloson

October 08, 2009 12:47 AM

My mother was in a nursing home for about 7 years, after she fell and broke a hip then went downhill medically like an idiot on skis. But she was mentally alert most of that time. When suddenly her labs showed her kidneys AND liver were failing, the dr called me (I held her DPOA). When I got there we talked to Mother and she said, "Well, I guess this is it. Just keep me comfortable." We called a hospice group who offered round-the-clock sitters, so she wouldn't be alone--and so I wouldn't have to be there all the time. I was there most of the time, but I did get to go home and get some sleep. Less than a week later, the nurse called me about 12:30 a.m. to say that Mother had died quietly in her sleep. She and the sitter said it was one of the calmest departures they'd ever seen.

So I know what you're going through now. And it really does suck out loud. But when it's over you'll know you did everything you could do to make her comfortable and to know she was loved. That's a priceless gift to give anyone. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I, too, send lots of warm hugs. D

Yarn Over

October 08, 2009 12:49 AM

This is a very trying and difficult time for you. Yes, it sucks. The only thing you can do for your mother is let her know that you're there. And smile, yes, that's good too. Think of your fondest memories of her and your times together. Tell her about them. Let her hear your voice, even if she doesn't seem to know you're there.

And do give yourself a break once in a while. The death watch is important, but it doesn't have to be 24/7.

Prayers for you and your mother. Bless you both.

AtHomePilgrim

October 08, 2009 07:47 AM

iamsurly, :) thanks
theo thank you Yes I read your post on my sisters post and loved the idea but we are both afraid to leave the room for long as when she cries out we hold her hand until she calms and that I think is the hardest part. Holding on while letting go.
LadyMiko thank you I try to just crank up my music for the hour drive home and then I cry but sometimes they spill out and I can't stop them. Thank you for coming by and your kind thoughts
pacuttie, exactly so close but so near and yes we have those pictures up so we remember we will never forget
mypsyche that old what if I can't stop...I know and after my son died I had that fear and knew after awhile it was ok I would stop but crap it's hard
Bette thank you it means alot
Yarn Over yes you do know it seemed to go so wrong after she broke her hip last year and then the dementia it has been a long year and I just hope she will finally get some peace
At Home Pilgrim thank you and yes I think my sister who is the main "keeper" of the watch is slowly letting go a bit to find pieces of her life in small tiny grabs. Thank you for your prayers

Lunchlady 2

October 08, 2009 08:30 AM

Poignant is the only word that comes to mind from reading this. The rest is pure emotion. This echoes in my head:
"the band is leaving the room and they are through playing no matter how loud you clap and stomp they are leaving, never to return."
Peace, comfort and safe passage for all of you. xoxo

cartouche

October 08, 2009 08:31 AM

cartouche thank you This is strange for me to say but when I wrote that and it just came falling out of my head it was so fierce I was afraid I had read it somewhere else and stole it. I almost added a disclaimer that if I had ripped it from someone else forgive me. That I had come up with such a powerful line shocked me.

Lunchlady 2

October 08, 2009 08:45 AM

Just being with your Mom is the best thing you can be doing. Look around for angels, if your mother can still talk let her tell you who she is seeing. Death is a passage and unique to each person. Hang in there.