I read "Mindi the Magnificent's blog this morning and wanted to take it one step farther. I hope she won't mind, I don't think she will.
Her son is dealing with leukemia now in real time and she is with him and is doing her best to keep her hopes up and her son safe and she writes about it very well. Some I am sure don't drop by to visit her out of fear. Nothing wrong with a little fear and to some reading about this it is just to hard to deal with. I stay because I know.
I have written here about the loss of my son Toddy and I skipped some of the more awful parts of cancer and it's treatments for fear of scaring people away. But this is a subject that is dear to my heart and with "Will someone feed the Cats" euthanasia post yesterday has made me thoughtful.
Until you have walked the walk, had to hold your screaming baby while they yet again poked him with a needle and you can't explain it to him and you feel like a horrible mom because even though you hold him tight you can't make the pain go away. Then add you are alone, him and you in this world that is vastly different than anything you have ever seen and there are children dying all around you and parents mourning and you want to offer peace and love and you can't because it catches in your throat and you fear that you will be next.
The words coming at you are like from a foreign land you feel you just sit there dumbfounded trying to process everything coming at you so fast from so many different angles and you want to scream STOP please stop let me catch my breath, let me call my family, let me sleep on this. This can't be real, I must be in a nightmare please God wake me up!
But it is all real and you deal with this word cancer and then they add "metastatic neuroblastoma" and there is no internet to speak of back in 1978 and you try to find anything, anything at all that says they live, they can be cured but there is nothing and it talks of death rates and things you want to cover your eyes and ears and become the three monkeys that see, do and hear no evil.
But you can't there is this small man who will grow no older who needs you to be his eyes, his life, his breath and you can do no less than everything that can be done.
When the chemo is done and the radiation has failed and they were horrible and miserable for you both as you watch your son be carted off with his purple marks on his head ( I bought him this little hat that I still have and smell and cry with) and the horrible chemo that burned and made him sick and holding and rocking was all you could do while the poison tried to stop the onslaught of this disease. But then it is all they can do. They can experiment with him but when you say could it save him and they say no, you know it is time to bring him home to be with his family for the short time left and then let him go. Did I give him to much morphine for his pain? I truly don't know there were no directions just when in pain give it to him. Would I? Yes to end his pain and give him peace yes I would. I feel I may have, must have and sometimes it bothers me that did I?
Now why I have done all this is Mindi has included a link with her post on a site where we can go and purchase Christmas cards drawn by childhood can cer artists! I am going to cut and paste it here , I hope, and I ask for my Toddy that you buy these Christmas cards and pass this on and see if in our lifetime we can't cure childhood cancer or at the least we can stem the tide. http://pcrf.stores.yahoo.net/20holcar.html
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Comments
I put a link to here from my piece, because it's such an important voice on the issue.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
This has touched me.
Rated.
such a wound. so deep.
"you are alone, him and you in this world that is vastly different than anything you have ever seen and there are children dying all around you and parents mourning and you want to offer peace and love and you can't because it catches in your throat and you fear that you will be next."
you tore into my heart with your story.
we must find a cure.
And you are still my favorite lunch lady ever, for all time.
Athomepilgrim, thank you for saying it is eloquent. It is strange but I thought all day about this and when I sat down it just poured out of me uncontrolled
willsomeonefeedthe cat, I am honored you linked me to yours. It means more than you can know. I have alwasy waited for a chance to help somehow maybe this is the start.
mypsyche, I tried to change places but God wasn't listening or couldn't help this time.
Torman, I understand and I truly hope Thanksgving is good. Yes we had to make all the arrangements but the hospital sent someone all the way out to our small town to help us with it. I still never set foot in the mortuary I couldn't I just sat out in the car and cried.
Frank, thank you I have seen that strenght I don't know where it comes from either.
Trig, yes
nofrills, I am glad I touched you. It is such an important issue.
scanner, it is a shame, I try to take from this that it has made me a better more patient person because time is so short.
Thank you all for reading my son's and my story you have truly touched me with your kindness.
trilogy, thanks! If you click on the card it will tell what cancer the child has and thier age. I am going there next to make an order.
Your words are perfectly written and horrible to read. They detail all the hopelessness and frantic grasps for some straw of a miracle. And they share with the world a tiny glimpse of what cancer does to regular, every day people.
If you can feel the energy waves coming at you -- I'm adding mine to the wave. MUCH LOVE
skeletnwnm, I honestly feel I was just along for the ride. All I could do was protect my baby and that is what I tried to do.Thank you for the love it's nice, very nice.
God bless you, dear.
I think with Toddy that you all thought you were protecting me by not talking about him. Carol was taking her finals in college and mom didn't want to tell her until the next day. The times were weird. I love to think of mom holding Toddy finally again.
Your strength and your ability to tell me, us, these stories in a way that invites us in....it's astounding.
I hope all this writing is healing for you.
I just want you to know that your words and your wisdom and your fortitude are truly an inspiration. Thank you.
Aim, I like to hear that you feel you are with me in my story. I think that means I am sharing it in the right way. I really don't think I am all that amazing, as sometimes I felt I was just along for the ride. I was just trying to protect my babay like any mother bear would. But thank you it is nice to hear!
Witnessing your herstory is profound. I'm looking forward (strange, huh?) to hearing about your experience. Hoping that it brings at least a little peace to you and his memory.
One thing I have learned..... The parents that I have met, who have had children die, want nothing more than to have thier children's lives, memories and names spoken. Yet, everyone is afraid to bring up the subject. I hope you find solace in rejoicing in his life.
Thank you. Sorry for th delay. Internet access at our Water Retreat is challenging!! Sending love and light to you and your family.
Thank you for this most personal and powerful of posts. This story, of you and little Toddy, will never leave my memory now. I ache for what each of you suffered through, and know that you'd still take all of his if you could. Of course you would.
The cards are ordered and will be mailed with much love and hope this season.
xoxo
I am getting ready to try again to order my cards. I get lost in reading their ages and cancers and have to come back to it. I am ready now to try again. Thanks!
How about if I order them for you? Send me a PM with your address, and I'll do it and have them delivered to you. I'm happy to.
Theo, thank you I would buy a hundred zillion billion also if I could!!! Thanks sweety for saying I write beautifully!