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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


NOVEMBER 3, 2009 9:07AM

Mom's Still Dying

Rate: 25 Flag

We are still waiting and life just goes on. You go to work, you pay the bills, buy the groceries, run the kids around.

Then in some unknown out of the blue moment you remember that your sister is still sitting by mom holding her hand being her guardian angel sleeping in a chair and giving up her life pretty much until the last breathe is taken.

She has brought in the Hospice after one of the nurses was going to file an elder abuse report for not feeding an 81 year old woman with dementia and a broken neck. A woman who will never walk again or know who anyone is or have any substance of life left to her. A woman who's one wish was not to go like this. And my sister ( suzie) right by her side her spokesperson through all this. My sister who pretty much raised the other 4 of us since she could walk it seems and is still there giving up her grand kids and her husband to sit and wait and hold the hand of our mother.

She is the one who explains to our sister back east that no there is nothing to do and those small conversations you have had with mom over the past year were good only in your heart as we sat there holding the phone and prompting mom to say something anything while outside in the fresh air in the wheelchair waiting for lunch so we could feed you and watch you slowly lose touch with us. But she hears what she needs to hear and we can't blame her but she needs to know that surgery and a halo are not what mom would want and slowly she listens.

The brother who wants to try to put her in a wheelchair and feed her and wheel her outside. Broken neck brother come on think. If she moves the wrong way she dies period end of life. So we joke about turning ever so slightly and well we are a joking family and life has always been hard and we are used to it and we make him understand. Mostly it's suzie who does all this I am just a Wednesday gal and one day a weekend but not lately and it makes me feel bad that I cannot be there and send sis home and sit and listen and hold hands.

Life should not end like this. You should get some sort of free pass that says " When life is no longer life this pass entitles you to one free death"

No food or ventilators or starving you to death so you can pass out of this life into what follows but no pass and we wait and we starve our mom to death and we hurt and we wish it would end but it won't and we cry when we remember and damn I wish there was a free pass for you mom!

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pain, childhood, family, love, guilt, more pain

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god, this is so hideous. i'm so freaking sad and horrified for you and especially for Suzie. what about Suzie bringing her home and having hospice there? if she dies from being put in a wheelchair, so be it. it's crazy for Suzie to be sacrificing her life for someone who is completley oblivious to it, who didn't want this, who just wants the pain to end. oh, sweetheart. this is just terrible. please let me know why Suzie can't take her home, in a wheelchair, and let nature take it's course. this is nuts. richard had hospice care and died at home with tons of painkillers and in no pain. so what if moving her breaks her neck???? i just want some peace for you and your sister. love love love
no wonder i relate to suze so much. i was the oldest of 4 also and, im' told, was mom to them a lot of the time. they would follow me around like the Make Way for Ducklings ducks did.
please come read my sexy post and get your mind completely out of this heartbreak, love. you've earned it.
Theo, suzie lives in a tri-level house so there are stairs everywhere. The bathroom are not on a floor without stairs. You would have to see her place to know the impossibility of mom going there. It is a beautiful place but they bought it from a couple who could no longer navigate the stairs so. That is weird we also followed her when little like little ducks. Of course me in the teen years made her life hell. Still paying for that in my mind.
A free pass! I agree. Keeping someone alive is not living, it's just extending death. I hope everything works out for the best because you're the best Lunchlady ever!!
Oh, the free pass. Yes. We should add that to a missing owner's manual for the human body. A free pass to what's next. So sorry for this situation that lingers and pulls. I've been the out of town sibling. I've also been a hand-holder. There's nothing tidy about this situation, but humor is essential. Courage. Tell suzie people are reading and thinking of all of you. R.
Soooooo hard.... My mother died a little over a year ago..... soooo hard.... I am so sorry.
I couldn't agree with you more. My heart goes out to you and your family. O'Really Good.
life is anything but fair... death to those who you are young and vibrant. and a sentence of "life" for your mom. very sad..
scanner, thank you that's sweet of you to say
walkingupslowly, thank you
CK, Hopefully I go up tommorrow and sit awhile I will tell suzie you are thinking of her. She will like that.
Middle aged woman blogging, I guess death is part of life but crap so hard sometimes. Thank you
O'Really, thank you so much for your kindness
trig just missed you I guess. I agree life sometimes makes no sense at all. If onlys.....
A free pass. What a lovely notion ...
Your plaintive cry is poignant. Yes, there should be a free pass. Kudos to you for understanding your other sister and your brother. Hugs to you, to suzie, and to your mom.
I know this situation well from watching my mother die from Alzheimer complications. It's brutal and heart-wrenching, and there are no answers. I hope you, your family, and especially your mother find some peace.
I am so very sorry. Prayers are with you.
I'm sorry LunchLady. It sucks when you have to sit by waiting for someone to "go".
I'll keep your Mom in my thoughts & prayers.
I wish you much peace in the near future.

We went through an almost identical experience with my dad who also went through hospice care. My mother, sister and I all had differing ideas on how the end of life looked. Even when the decision had been made to discontinue active treatment, there was a lot of second guessing and guilt, as my father had not left us any instructions or expressed his wishes -- we were guessing.

At the worst, the final 8 weeks, we had him moved to an inpatient hospice house. It was that move that allowed us to *breathe* again. We had not realized the extent his terminal illness had overtaken every aspect of our lives, altered relationships, and exhausted our souls. We could never have predicted the feelings that washed over us, changing several times a day.
I'm so sorry. No, life should not end like this. so much pain and heartache. I'm sorry.
sending you good thoughts to think..
Dear friend. I've seen this scenario occur just last month. A free pass would have been a blessing for all. Sending my love and wishes for strength.
Words seem so useless here. Sometimes a simple touch can convey more than a book. I have an idea of the torture that this is for everybody concerned. Useless, needless, senseless suffering for everyone and no peace. I wish I could give you my hand and in silence help you know that the wait is endless but the suffering will end.
Wishing you peace lunchlady, you, suzie and your Mom....peace!
Oh lunchlady, I'm so sorry.

If I could grant you one wish, it would be a peaceful end.
No words. Just (((((((hugs)))))))) and more ((((((hugs)))))). Peace.
Where to begin so many of you offering hugs and love and have been here and all the wonderful words you have offered me and suzie and my mom and family. Thank you seems so paltry of an answer but it is all I have. BUT I truly mean this Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to offer your love and hugs and everything to me and mine during this time of waiting. It means more than I can say. Thank you!
I'm glad you updated us with this post. I tend to forget those who sit and wait in silence. I might sound callous, but I would encourage Suzie to visit for a maximum time (say, 1 hour) a day and go on home to care just as lovingly for the family that depends on her. Sounds like that's what your mom would want.
skeletnwmn, we have tried to get her to go home. She has, of late, been leaving for a little longer and did go to a Halloween party! She just really wants to make sure mom doesn't die alone and isn't fed by a well meaning but ignorant to the facts nurse. I took on offense to what you say it is the truth and that's ok.
So much heart goes out to you
Lady Dove, thank you so much
Oh LunchLady, this is so trying, so painful. God bless you and your family and your mom. It is all so terribly, terribly difficult. Keep writing about it. If you can. You're absolutely right, this isn't a good way to die, or to watch a loved one die. Would that all deaths could be a gentle slipping into the night. Tragically, it is not so. Peace.
Polly, thank you I am writing just as I need to now and I look forward to the day when my sister can come back here and tell our mothers tale. She will write it so much better than I ever could. That will be a story worth reading. Soon I hope for my mom.
Sometimes life is so much harder than it should be. I'm very sorry for your situation.
Wright Side, your very kind, thank you
Oh why oh why is dying so hard. Seems like at the end we should get a bit of grace...
Still here. Reading. Sending you light & love. Wish it was more.
Deborah and Mindy, thank you both for your kind words. It really does help to know people care and pray and offer hugs. I am leaving in a bit for the hour drive up to sit and let suzie leave and not worry about lunch at least for today.
donnastreet, thank you I guess we are all getting older and watching our parents pass. I appreciate you stopping by