To My Husband
I know that your life as a child was hard.
I know that your dad left when you were young
I know that your step dad hated you and when him and your mom got drunk you would get all the anger directed at you who looked like your father
I know you joined the navy to escape
I know you love your mom and need to talk to her at least every week
I know you hate your step dad to this day especially when you have had a lot to drink and need an excuse to be drunk
I know that when you used to sneak to drink you were happier because you were lost in your own denying life
I know that when I started to buy you big bottles of Southern and flasks you were happy for awhile..
I know that you had chased us all away so you could hide and now that you don’t need to hide anymore you are lonely
I know that when you yelled at us because you couldn’t hear the end of Law and Order that you have seen 30 times but we were laughing in the kitchen so you missed the end that finally we stopped laughing in the kitchen and moved our fun to the back of the house and continued to laugh back there!
I know now, you know that and you want us back, but I am afraid it may be too late
I hate that you drink, I hate that you use excuses to drink, I hate that you will never be the person you could have been because of alcohol
I hate that when you get sick you shake, bad, and it scares me. Why doesn’t it scare you?
I fear I am going to come home from work or get up in the morning and you will have died and I watch to see if your breathing and it scares me.
I fear you will fall again and break the other hip and go to the hospital again and see things and need to be strapped down and call your cousin to sneak you in some whiskey and he wouldn’t so you got madder and yelled and screamed and I was sad and embarrassed for you.
I am tired of living this life with you. I am tired of never knowing who I am coming home to. The drunk, the mad man, the nice caring guy who pops out once in a while.
I want to take your hand and lead you to the light to take you from the dark and show you the beauty again of music and sunsets and your boys and life damn-it!
But I have given up, no more trying to plan a Saturday to play music and listen to music and sit around and talk about life and love because you always leave, you never stay when I try to talk to you.
You embrace the dark, you live for your alcohol and you live in fear that to be happy would mean the end of all that and you find sad comfort in your anger and your pain and your deserve to be miserable because you need to be.
I see joy in life, in small wonders and full moons and giggles and laughs and if you will give me your hand I am still willing to take you into the light but my desire to do so is waning and it scares me
The boys are almost gone and when they go I will not be satisfied to sit around and grow old and I will look for a life. Not another man but a life with music and laughing and love
The choice is yours please chose wisely and well as I am tired and my
grasp is loosening and soon, very soon it will be too late.　
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Jakes Mom
sweetfeet
sradi
Philip Rodgers
Writer to the Stars
Smithery
Salon.com
Comments
I am so sorry.
Rated.
Please - PLEASE - DO find a life, and love, and laughter.
SOON.
You've said you envy me...because I DID do that. Finally.
I have a new life, a new love, and he makes me laugh.
Gosh, I SO understand.
Please. Soon.
Outside myself, I know you know. my boys are almost grown and I don't know how this will end but I know the end is near. Thanks
poetTESS, I am sorry you had to live any of this hell but yes I fear there are many of "us". In a way, since some have escaped, it does help.
I hope.
Rated.
R~
scanner, if you read this back "then" would you have listened? I am not sure his reaction but I do know he will never know I posted it. BUT should he read a copy of it?
*R*
dustbowldiva, I hope I can find my way alone, if need be, also.
So much hope it seems.......
To the both of you. Hopefully he'll choose wisely, my pop did way back when, he was the King of the Alcoholics and then one day, he was in the hospital, kidneys failing and that's when he decided life was better living, living.
In my prayers.....
"You embrace the dark, you live for your alcohol.” I think some people feel most comfortable when they’re enveloped in the dark world of oblivious solitude, finding it easier than dealing with life, its complexities and responsibilities.
I wish I could say reading it would help him, but I'm afraid he's trapped in his drunkenness and prefers the hazy oblivion far too much to hear the desperation in your words, far too much to assume the work that it’ll take to change for you.
Alcoholism often destroys the drinker, but it doesn't have to destroy all those around the alcoholic. At some point, it's hopeless to hope and when that happens, it's time for you to find happiness elsewhere while you can, before you’re pulled into the escapeless vortex he’s created.
I’m not a counselor, a shrink, or anything of the sort, but then I don’t think it takes one to see what you need to do.
IF he decides to recover, it'll be HIS journey. You can support his choices, but he won't NEED you along for the ride. He may want you there, but that's another thing altogether.
Too bad that you and your kids had to endure so much already. Al Anon. For your own sake. For your kids' sake.
PERFECT, A POWERFUL POST!!
big R and a ((hug)).
Much strength and happiness to you dear.
R
Melissa, I don't know I am afraid he would only see certain words on it, ya know what I mean?
Polly, thank you from the gut yea that's where it all came from I think, way down deep
Tink, maybe but I am afraid next time sadly he goes to the hospital it may be to late for him to choose to change. I am glad your dad chose well and thank you for the hug
mypsyche, Lord how I wish you could to. If for just a short time I could lean into someone and draw from their strenght.....I'm am so tired of always being IT
Bob, I know it's just so hard to do. the first husband died within 6 months of me leaving him for good. That is way to much responsibility although I know I didn't kill him, I do know I kept him alive.
roseincarolina, I am afraid it is straight from my breaking heart
dragonlady, The boys and I talk all the time about how they should never drink and how a man should treat his wife or any woman and I have thought about Alanon and maybe if it's needed to get all the way out once the boys are gone. We are ok for now just alone
Kathy, thank you it felt powerful to write
Barkinglot4, brilliant I don't know so much but thank you for saying so. I'll take that hug...and yes someday he will read this I just don't know when
BuffyW, I know, I know, I think these are my baby steps to the much bigger step in the near future
Frank, thank you do you really think so? Then I am blessed with good freinds
athomepilgrim, we will see ,I hear of men chosing wisely, maybe, and if it's not to late
There is a different life waiting for you, and it seems you are strong enough to go after it. You deserve it.
xoxoxo,
Smithery, at long last at least I am lookin
Jeff,thank you
C.K, your welcome I am sorry, in a way,it touches you also.
spotted_mind, thank you it looks like I may be treading that road
trilogy, I'm trying!
Just Cathy, thank you for your prayers maybe.....
He will be angry at first as this drinking is all he knows, all he thinks he is, bigger sigh, It's time come Dec when we are away from the kids it's time. Now I think I will go throw-up! Thank you scanner I needed to hear from someone who walked the walk and lived to tell the tale. You are an amazing man.
Well written.
Rated.
I watched my mom struggle for 22 years in the same way you are now. I am holding your hand.
Thoth, Thank you, really, thank you!
Theo we have tried looking into this but I have this sense inside that I see white and black straight on ( except it seems when it comes to men and love) and I know what to do I just don't know if I am ready to jump ship lose my house in the process because even though it's my house he will cause me to sell it for him. I am just confused but I know exactly where I am well other than that!
mamoore, thank you it's been 14 years yesterday since he moved in. My boys last night were talking about how they were 3 and 4 and thier sister 7 and then just looked at me and asked why, why did I take them in when I knew how there dad was. I told them because I knew how there dad was and even though he loves them dearly he could never really take care of them as alcohol is always first. They understand I have always told them the truth. Did your mom get out?
I can imagine that while raising kids, you don't feel thrilled about taking care of someone who should be able to care for himself by now -- but -- he seems to have never learned. It's not an easy thing, especially when easier things are in immediate reach. Best wishes for your whole family. There's no way to be sure what the 'right' thing to do is, you just have to do things and see.
mamoore, I will go read your story this weekend and thank you. Maybe it isn't too late yet.
Raving bits,Thank you for stopping by and your kind thoughts! I hope, I hope so...
When I saw this disease start to appear in one of my two girls, I screamed to it, "You can't have my daughter! No way! She's mine and you can't have her." My wishes and will were about as effective as saying, "Epilepsy you cannot have my daughter (the other one). I am going to make sure you don't screw with her brain and her life." I have as much control over alcoholism as I do epilepsy. I put up a good fight. My first daughter is taking good care of herself and may not have the disease. My second daughter is still living with the effects of her seizures.
Anyway, I feel powerfully for you and your boys. Take care of yourselves and follow your dreams. If the outcome's not in your hands anyway, why not?
I'm holding you close.