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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


MARCH 26, 2011 3:39PM

Spring Cleaning and Me

Rate: 29 Flag

I try, I really do try. My bedroom closet has clothes in it that haven't seen light in decades. I have a blouse I made in high school and the material I bought must have been to make slipcovers for chairs as it is the ugliest orange and green color I have ever seen. A dress I was bought brand new for my 8th grade graduation. The first dress I ever picked out for me, brand new and I loved it. If it fit I would still wear it.



I need to move about 20 stuffed animals and a small suitcase full of pictures to even get into my closet. This keeps the closet monster safely at bay. Most of my work clothes hang on a hook outside the door. Yes I know that is weird. But it helps me sleep at night. That and no mirror in my room.

 I also have in my closet about 15 different "Nightmare before Christmas" figurines the husband used to collect back when money actually existed to spend in our lives. My closet is not that big either.

But the real reason I don't get in my closet much is this one small box. Every Time I open my closet door to start cleaning and culling it beckons to me. I can't resist stopping what I was planning to do and sitting down on my bed with it.


I open it slowly and pull out what I have safely tucked away inside. The few remaining items I kept from my son. I pull out his little blue sweater and hold it close, smelling it to see if I can catch a smell, a long gone memory. Next comes his little rabbit, his was blue and his twin sisters was pink. He passed away a few weeks after Easter on Memorial day weekend.


Next I pull his hats out, three of them, they served a dual purpose one for warmth  and one to keep his face shaded as we walked with a stroller to his radiation appointments in San Fransisco. The last one to make him look stylish and make me smile. All hats were to keep the questions unasked about why his little head was marked with blue ink.


Last comes his little musical box that I would wind for him and place by his head while he underwent chemotherapy and all the needles and shots that accompanied it.

I wind it up and hold his little memories close and then gently place them back in the box, put it back up on the shelve and close my closet door.

Done for another year.

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This post was so bitter-sweet. Bless you for having the strength to open this box every year. Hugs to you. R
there is strength in rituals. big hug to you LL. ***
This is so filled with such emotion. It would kill me to open that box, but like you I'm sure I would. -R-
so poignant, brave mama to write this.
This is so very touching. Thank you for sharing this.
Blu Speck, for years I couldn't open it with crying now I find sometimes I can open it and smile remembering the good too.
Foolish Monkey, There is isn't there?
Christine, I think sometmes you have to open it just to remember...
Dianaani, It is/was my little secret
Lady Dove, thank you for reading..
Toritto, I'm sorry to hear you have a box too. My daughter, his twin will be 34 this year, he was one, so he has been gone a very long time. No one goes in my closet either....I think we will always wonder what would have been, who would they have been...
So sorry about your son. Thanks for sharing these tender moments...
((hugs)) as words fail me.
You twisted ad tugged on my heart strings on this one.. beautifully written and told. You had a lot of strength to write this post.
(((((LUNCHLADY2))))))) Angels wings to wrap you up..
Delightful, Terri. I don't do spring cleaning, so I enjoyed this even more - vicariously.
Patrick, thank you
mypsyche, hugs are good
Linda, :)
Fireeyes, thank you so much...
You have been through so much. I admire your strength and your commitment to your family. You go Lunchlady girl!!
He wasn't here long but he was here and you do right to keep him real and remember you son. I'm glad you have things that touched him to touch, love and comfort to you. I almost nothing from my youth, just my doll from when I was a baby that I never left behind and a pair of earrings I bought, I have some of my grandmothers things though. I can understand keeping a blouse you made in high school, I think maybe it's okay to keep the blouse and dress too.
Matt, glad I could help :)
Susie Lindau, Thanks you made me smile..
l'Heure Bleue, thank you for the support, I was never sure why I kept these things ( the blouse and dress) but they were a part of me young I remember clearly. I am attached to them somehow. I too am glad I kept these few things of my sons. I would have missed ever having those moments where it is once again just him and I..
Lunch Lady 2,

You have important items in your closet. I have my important items in storage. I dread spring cleaning. But for me this usually happens in the summer because I am too busy during the year till then.
Kimberly, I thank you for agreeing with me about what I see as important in my closet. It does help to hear and as for spring cleaning REAL spring cleaning I too do it in the summer when I don't work. It gives me more time to get down and dirty and into a mode to toss it and get back under the water cooler.
I had a box of things of my brother and it got lost in a move. I am glad you have your box, don't lose it. I do have my high school graduation dress and my senior homecoming dress, a couple of preemie diapers and preemie sleeper. They were once just too tiny.

Last night I was with friends at a piano bar and I requested my brother's favorite Billy Joel song. My friend to the right of me held her glass up and I raised my tea, not sure what we were doing. She said, "To your brother and your dad!" I almost cried!
Pastvoices, How sweet of your friend to remember. I love to hear your getting out and sad to know you have lost your brothers box. I don't know what I would do if I lost my memory box...
Caroline, thank you so much.
whew! maybe you want to find a new place for The Box. Then you can get to those vintage clothes, pull 'em out and sell 'em on EBay. ;)
You are so real, Ll2. R
Ah, you did love paisley! But I always felt that you wore it well.

I remember (& I could be wrong) how some kind soul in SF gave you that stroller so you wouldn't have to carry Todd to the hospital every day, & then eventually you gave it to me for Alison, & one day it collapsed right outside an Irish bar in Berkeley. And I remember that toy. But mostly I remember our sweet little guy & how we loved him & how he broke our hearts.
Moving. I don't know the pain of losing one, so born, and obviously, spirited despite circumstances. I only know losing one early, in the first trimester, and that was painful enough. He obviously left his little strength to you, and you have nurtured it, allowing it to grow. It only blooms once a year, upon the opening of the box, but every year, the floodgates spill forth a new thought, and a new emotion. Save your ritual. It is high tribute, as only a Mother's love knows. Rated with smiles and blessings.
I love that you keep these very valuable things. They are one of a kind and only you can whole the memories in your heart.
Simple and profound, with heart and tears and love. Along with the painful love, one thing struck me: "All hats were to keep the questions unasked about why his little head was marked with blue ink." How much of what we do is for similar reasons?
This brought tears to my eyes this morning. I'm glad you have your son's things that can help you remember his all too brief, but important time on earth. {hug}
Oh my... lots of love sent your way...
Gabby, OMG I am old enough to have vintage clothes I wore :(
Thoth, I can be nothing else...
Suzie, I was trying to remember how I ended up with a stroller while I was there. That might explain why we gave our vintage twin stroller away!
The Songbird, thank you so much for the support..
Scanner, They are pretty unique to only me aren't they :)
Seer, you are so right life is full of little memory boxes isn't it. I had not thought of it like that.
AtHomePilgrim, I had not thought of that either...I love the feeling you bring forward, making me think about my words.
Lschmoopie, I wonder do we all save things from our lost ones. One thing that takes you to them in your mind.
Lisa Marie, thank you so much..