I have an entire other post written that I am afraid to post, for now.
Suffice it to say the husband shit the bed ( figuratively not literally) the other night. It could have gotten out of hand but didn't, thankfully, but now I have this get out of jail free card in front of me that I am petrified to use.
I have spent the last week bursting into tears, fighting with one of my girls from work and totally stressed out about what I know I need to do.
I can get him out now, I have the ammunition and the means to do so yet I keep seeing the look on his face when all the blocks fall into place.
I can't get it out of my head, no matter what I do to rid myself of it it stays and I see my betrayal in his face.
I am trying to picture my life free and clear no more whining or belittling, no more drunken nights, no more hiding in my room. No more defending my son....
I plan on visiting a battered women's center on Monday but I don't see myself as a battered woman, not the ones who are held hostage by a man who beats them or keeps them locked away, not like my first husband. Maybe I am being held hostage by fear of the unknown, by fear of the what ifs, by fear of without his money will I lose everything.
I was ready to sit it out, wait for him to die but he isn't cooperating and may not ever and I have this one time chance and I am petrified to use it.
I find myself bargaining with God let him do something that "wrong" again so I know I am doing the right thing, so I know it's time because ever since that night he has been a choir boy.
I am so damn confused right now and I don't know why and it isn't that I'm stupid I KNOW the right thing to do but God help me I can't do it.
Please can anyone explain to me what the hell is going on in my mind!
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HUGGGGGGGGGG
Linda, I know, I do, I know....
Spike, I think that is what I am looking for, for strength. I cannot get his face out of my head and I hope the counseling center has my answer. Putting it out for the world I hope opens my eyes...
Dear LL2, how many times will it take for you to believe that you are doing the right thing? How many times do you have to be belittled and emotionally abused before you convince yourself? You have to trust your feelings and not make a martyr of yourself.
Do seek counselling for battered women if you don't feel you have the strength to make this decision on your own. This is just my knee jerk reaction upon reading your words. With love and best wishes to you. ♥R
To act or not to act, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...
Battering takes many forms, you are most assuredly emotionally and psychologically battered on a daily basis. I am very glad you're going. XO
But yes, once you open this door it changes everything - for the better.
Matt, sigh....what a perfect take on my life. I have much to think about this week-end.
Only you can decide what is the right thing to do. But I think you have gone far, far above and beyond the call of duty, love, or anything else.
Harry's Ghost, not flippant and I think by writing it out and seeing it in print I am starting to see through different eyes. The fear I know comes from change, I am not a patient person and not knowing how this will play out I am fighting myself to open the door and let it begin. It will be ugly before it's beautiful....
You need to save yourself you are the only one you have control over.
hyblaean-Julie, yes him out, but yes....I am trying hard to see to accept that I must choose and soon and right. Maybe my sign from God was giving me this out at this time.....so much to think about.
I think going to the battered women's shelter for counseling and advice is an excellent idea. They will have people there who can help you get your head together. Good luck.
No...don't act on this single incident. You seem unsure of whether it is right or not.
But SURELY you cannot doubt that the body of evidense points to abuse over and over? Surely you don't need one more proof!
God calls us to forgive those who abuse us, but I do not believe He calls us to STAY in harms way after you forgive.
In your heart of hearts, you know what to do.
Perhaps you are afraid that some will call you out as a bad person for leaving him when he is so sick, but truth is, no amount of sick makes up for the abuse.
None here will call you out.
Give him some names and numbers of those that can help him. Drive him to the doctors and be sure he has medications if you like.
But now is the moment to change your life.
LL, sometimes people are just better people when they are apart. For whatever reason, the chemistry in being together is negative, and makes them both lesser people.
You may well be helping the BOTH of you to be better people by pulling this trigger.....(although in all honestly,...how YOU could be any better is totally beyond me!)
You have been and continue to be an angel.
I have NEVER counciled anyone to divorse or leave another unless there were sure signs of abuse and danger in the future.
You have both of those.
What are you waiting for my friend?
I work hard to never speak poorly of another human being. I believe ALL have good in them.
But I say this to you.....he's gotta go!
It's time to seek happy while you can, friend. It really is!!!
JD, I know you are right, well maybe not about my being an angel but you know maybe apart if I can get him where I am thinking he can go, maybe it won't be a total write off, maybe I can still help him some if he needs it or maybe he will like my first husband and kiss off any help I offer. I guess I won't know unless I try. I am running out of time to be happy your right, and I may not get this chance again.
It's time sweetheart.
xoxo
Good luck on Monday.
Trilogy, It is a thought maybe use it in a way that it would be better for him if....he always likes things that are better for him. Thank you so much.
what is your heart telling you.
My heart is telling me to escape especially now that I have read all these comments. It says get out while I can.
When this is all over I will share what has happened, I promise.
You ask God for signs. How many more do you need? Whe you are ready, God will be too.
And if you are not ready, then that's OK. You needed to KNOW that and figure out why. In the meantime, sounds to me you are having a perfectly normal response to anextraordinary set of circumstances. God speed, my moneys on you.
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. It's easy for people on the sidelines to "armchair quarterback," but none of us has been through what you're going through.
One thing that did occur to me was that your staying with him, after he did something you both know was not okay, is not the best thing for HIM. It's like eating too much sugar-- it feels good at the time, but the sick feeling always follows. He doesn't have much time left. He needs to take what time he has to look at himself and become the best version of himself that he can. If you keep letting him slide, that's never going to happen. You have to hold him to a higher standard. You know he can do better-- let him know that you EXPECT him to do better. You will not tolerate this "bed-shitting" behavior, because you know he's better than that. If you let this go, and stay with him, you're basically saying, "yeah, you are that bad, I knew it all along, and it's okay." He's not that guy, and it's not okay, and you have to let him know that. Leave, even if it's only temporarily, and call him on this behavior.
I can see clearer now and know I must take this step and deal with my emotions as I go. To think I was accepting of this life as normal tells me how far I have gone to protect these children and I did not even see I was falling. I have a long road in front of me and I hope your right I hope, I know, God is waiting for me to say the word.
Everyone who has ever been or lived with an alcoholic knows the answer to that question is, " You no longer have a choice."
It's progressive, terminal.
It isn't going to get better, with or without you.
The second thing is in your reply to JD : " ... if I can get him where I am thinking he can go, maybe it won't be a total write off, maybe I can still help him some if he needs it ..."
LL that's his business.
Yours is to save your life ( and yes, why the hell can't we begin again at 58 ? )
Not to dismiss your feelings, but his primary relationship is not with you or the kids.
For his sake, don't enable it any longer.
Tough call. Incredibly tough call, but you wouldn't even be thinking about it if you didn't think you could do it. Go.
I guess I really do fear him and damn that makes me mad.
You should read about stockholm syndrome and Alexis James wrote a post on it. And she in general has written some posts I really like.
Rated .....all will be well... I am putting a song up for you. I am closing the comments because I don't feel like dealing with comments at the moment and I don't care about ratings anymore. Just know it is for you and I am with you in spirit.
If you have the means to make your husband vacate the premises, do that. If you have to leave do that. Get out of this situation. It's not good for anyone involved.
My Heart on a String, The song was most beautiful, thank you so very much for thinking of me. I have not seen a post by Alexia James in a long time. I will look her up in the morning.
Zella, I know all this and agree which is why I have my son in anger management classes and plan on signing him up for a class that goes with one I am thinking of taking about living in an alcoholic home and how not to become your father. I so hope this works....Thank you for caring.
God is showing ya the way....follow......actually, run away!!!
You're talking about many of our lives past or present ; there's nothing to be gained by doing nothing, and like JD says no-one should counsel without knowing the story, but we know the story - it's the same the world over and the ending is always the same,
unless you write a new one.
Keep talking, keep writing. 3 am ... anytime, there'll be someone here.
Good luck, LL2. I'll be thinking of you.
You will feel so much better for the positive move you made.
Is 58 really that old? I wouldn't think it is as long as your health is okay. You have so many qualities that you would be able to explore, don't you have a right to some time where you aren't merely other peoples support system?
I wish you the joy of suddenly knowing you matter too. I wish you the moment you realize you didn't hold your breath all day.
I wish you the day you're driving home not worried about who or what will make him angry. I wish you the day you look in the mirror and say "hello Gorgeous, I love you."
I wish you the Blessing of self love.
So many words here before mine of love and wisdom.
Hear the care so many feel for you.
So many hands are reaching out.
Kim is right.
Keep talking. Keep writing. There’ll be someone here.
Someone who cares and believes and hopes.
For you. Openness. Air. Life.
I am not who I thought I was in all this. I had convinced myself I was better than all this, that I could remove myself from "the situation" and when he died I would pop right up and be my old self. Now I see how far I have fallen and I also see why I am scared to move forward, scared to take that step.
I have come to realize while you think you are smarter, and better than the alcoholic in your life, they are slowly sucking the soul right out of you.
I went in to get some breakfast this morning, of course waking up sleeping beauty and as he is belittling me for how dare I wake him, how now I need to listen to him bitch, all I could see was a shallow, hollow man laying on his ass with only three concerns in life.
How fucked up he can be
How much sleep he can get
How much alcohol, cigarettes and pills he has surrounding him.
Nothing else matters...
As hard as it is to display my life here for the world to see I continually find I am not alone and your support and acceptance no matter how this ends builds me up and gives me hope.
Thank you all for your kindness and understanding.
When she was in her thirties, long after I'd left my marriage, my oldest child said to me, "The worst thing you ever did to me was to stay with dad as long as you did." And I did plenty bad things as a mother. Staying was the worst. I thought I was looking out for them, defending them.
I wish you all the strength in the world. It will be worth it in the end.
But just had one thought that might be unique.
It is possible that kicking him out would be doing HIM a favor. He has only the slimmest hope anyway. But an unhealthy equilibrium isn't a place for someone that needs to change.
Maybe so in the relationship.
But maybe not in a more global sense.
Give him a chance to man up. Really.
Nick, I have in the back of my mind that when, if the time comes and he has nowhere to go and he will SEEK COUNSELING, we may be able to share a house not as a couple any longer but as roomates...which is pretty much what we are now but then he would know no more yelling, or crossing the line as far as our safety goes....I don't know I'm still working out the bugs....I don't want the man to die under a bridge somewhere and he has no one who will take him in. That is also one of my problems....My first husband died within 6 months of leaving here, in a small camper, in a friends yard. I don't want to sentence him to dying alone, but I also want a life free from stress, fear and hate.
I love you so much and the love in these comments is flowing as if it were a cool waterfall washing him right off your back. Keep us posted!
Love and hugs!
We are such martyrs for the men we think we love and who have nothing but hatred for us. The longer you stay the longer he wins by playing on your weakness of not being able to stand up for yourself and say ENOUGH! You also have children to think of and they need a parent, namely you.
Yes, change is hard and I can relate with how you feel about it being easier to stay then to take an unknown road. Easier to be the martyr, losing self respect and dignity, instead of taking that road. Please do this for yourself . You DO matter and you are so very worth peace of mind and a good life.
One more thing, God never closes a window that he doesn't open a door. I do believe that door is standing WIDE OPEN.
I wish for you strength, courage and peace. God Bless.
This is your fantasy.
And counseling doesn't work unless someone is highly motivated.
If you demand that he leave, you will be taking something away but also GIVING something.
Without your kindness, he would have a chance, however small, of becoming a man instead of someone sinking into increasing dependency and death.
It is possible that on some level, he hates you for permitting him to become so dependent and weak.
OK. My comments are speculative and close to psychobabble.
But, I am suggesting that you are assuming too much. He is still a alive and has a measure of free will, etc.
Everyone who has commented those at the end of this please know how much your words mean. I can't always think of the right things to say but know I read and I cry and I nod my head.
I am stepping back for a day letting my shoulders down and my brain rest. Maybe I am just trying to hard pushing to much to find that door to happiness. I know it's there, I know it's open.....I am on my way to find it.