Me not so great……. 

I woke up this morning, after two days in Fresno driving the two hours home last night feeding the cats, setting up my coffee for work today, and then thinking screw food falling into bed, to find I am really tired.

 I am torn by my desire to be with my son and my need to keep the children here at school fed too. One of my ladies from work called me yesterday at the hospital to let me know she was really sorry but she will be gone with surgery for a bone spur on her elbow until after the Thanksgiving holiday and then she can work just on the computer until the end of the year and she was really sorry for the timing and I understood, her insurance is changing to Kaiser and she is scared they won’t do the surgery this quickly and she may need to wait until summer break to have it done. We can’t have that! 

I am torn by my guilt for my daughter and sister driving the distance they do for my son but then rationalize it is not my fault he is there and they love him as I do and if they want to drive to him in fog and rain well then I need to accept that is what they choose and be ever so thankful they are here to help. 

I have guilt for my poor Jack Russell who seems to have an ear infection or spider bite and I saw it Sunday but have not been home since and she suffers for it. I will get her in today along with Chica who needs her rabies updated. 

I know I need to go to my Dr before my insurance changes in Jan and be checked out for what is either an ulcer (imagine that) Gerd or IBS and that will take blood work and tests and when the hell am I going to fit those in? While there I think I may ask for something for anxiety, not depression, I am not depressed but anxious yea I could say I was anxious. 

We won’t even talk about the dentist who I have changed appointments on so many times I am surprised he hasn’t fired me as a patient! 

If I had a kind loving husband I could tell him all this and he would take my hand and look in my eyes holding my chin ever so gently and tell me honey everything is going to be just fine, what can I do to help……but such is not my life so I will keep on keeping on, unloading (I am sorry) on all of you who I call my friends and who help keep me sane through this crazy world that is my life right now. 

I will be back with updates as they happen and really don’t feel you need to comment I know you are here for me and the prayers and love can be felt by me continuously and I thank you for that. My son tried to talk to me yesterday before I left so he knows we are with him and he is still with us so I felt much better on the drive home.

I just had to get it out!   

Now off to make chili beans w/ fresh baked French bread for my little school munchkins for lunch today. 

Strangely I feel much calmer now…..