I come in to work and I cry until people show up, I took my husband to his VA appointment yesterday and started crying because they wanted me to fill out his damn papers to see how much we made last year, they finally gave them too me to take home, the husband grousing about what is wrong with me.
My oldest daughter is devastated and I can’t help her because I don’t know how and we have drifted apart by mistakes I have made that I don’t know how to fix.
My youngest daughter is mad at me because I couldn’t understand why her and my granddaughter couldn’t make Thanksgiving while her brother was here from Japan. Upset because I voiced my concern and how much I missed them.Maybe she is right to do that, maybe his family is better with Grace, maybe her other Grandma loves her more than I, maybe it was just going to create too much friction to drive up the hill, I accept that.
My middle son is upset because I have decided no tree, no lights this year, he will be back in Japan and his 19 year old brother would love that there is no hassle with trees, lights and ornaments as long as there are presents.
I will still buy my Granddaughter presents, hell I already have, but will not plan on them coming to Christmas, maybe I will go up to Suzie’s Christmas day, maybe I won’t…
My oldest son, my son I just buried understood me, he knew how to help, he knew how to make me laugh, cry, get angry all those things that son’s and their mothers do, I could share everything with him.
I miss him every minute of everyday and I just don’t know what is next.
I have screwed up everything I have ever touched or been tested to get it right.
Obviously my children will grow up and move away, in body or for real and I will be left behind with nothing but my memories.
God you may have thought I was strong enough for this but I am beginning to have doubts…..
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Writing is wonderful. Doing is even better. Get out there right now and help someone else. Make new friends. Get going....:)
So don't add "I'm a screw-up" to the pain of your grieving... Please.
You are not a machine, you're human, with needs, feelings and you get tired. You lost the child that naturally understood this but we are still here. And you can start being a little understanding of you too. Your other children will grow up and start to understand as they take on more responsibilities.
You didn't screw everything up Terri, you did incredibly well in impossible situations, better than most people would have done. My heart just aches that this happened to someone as good and kind as you.
I don't think God expects you to be this strong all alone, I think he wants others who have strength to be there. So we are here to honor all your feelings, and loving and caring about you.
We're all here for you. Praying, holding you up, supporting you.
Kim
Sometimes families seem to do all the wrong things when we're grieving. I've experienced that myself lately. But you have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve the tragedies.
Keep writing, keep battling and keep your faith is all I can add.
Lezlie
You're always in my prayers!!
(Course, I might be praying to the wrong God but pffffft....something to do, I guess, otherwise, I'd be outside with a gun!!!)
I am so sorry. I didn't know until now. I am so sorry.
With love and caring.
xoxo
I hope you can, indeed, find that time and space for breathing and healing, with at least a couple of truly understanding and sympathetic folk to stand by you...
You want everybody to get along, but at the moment, it's not going to happen.
Everyone is off and running different directions.
When a plane starts to go down...you put the oxygen mask on your first...then your kids.
Do that here Terri. Step out of the role for a day or two of everybody depending on you.
Make some family take care of themselves.
I will keep on placing my dark thoughts here and hope like Harry said they will slowly disappear and the dark times will end and I will also try placing that air mask over me first and save myself before I can save everyone else.
You all are amazing and kind and without you I don't know what I would do right now.
I am holding on to you...
Keep writing, because we are here and holding you up with our love.
Love to you.
In dysfunction, grief goes sideways sometimes. It is skewed. Even those progress has was made before the tragedy, we revert to old roles, anger at each other, jealousy of the passed one getting the attention. Do not take it to heart. In grief, make no sudden moves and court no arguments. Take one day at a time (actually I found one minute at a time worked better). Be kind to each other for your own sake, even if they don't return the kindness just yet, don't sweat the small stuff. Last year SafeBet's_Amy face the first holiday and she and the girls decided on something different for their holiday. I probably still have the link if you want it. My last post was on grief and holidays. I'm here.
subvocally or even out loud.
I talk to Mom and Dad every damn day.
How do I possibly know they can hear me?
What is my proof?
Easy. The LOVE rushing in. Enveloping me.
You feel that
Down
In
Yer
Soul.