Every morning I wake up take the dog out, feed the 5 cats their one can of cat food they split, each waiting at his designated spot for his share, and then I get in the shower and my son’s last days fill my head and I cry.
Just like clockwork, every morning work or weekend I stand there with the water beating down on me and I miss my son with every ounce of my being.
Then I take my shower, get dressed, give the outside dogs a biscuit each and cry the short while to work thinking about how I need to write more about how I am feeling.
Once at work alone for the first hour, at the least, I cry as I push everything out in the gym, start breakfast, sit here at my computer and plan the day. Then folks start to arrive and children come to school and I get my daily hug from one of my son’s best friends from kindergarten through high schools daughter as her mom has asked her, a 6th grader, to do so and she does willingly...
I robotic my way through my day, smile when I should, say all the right answers ( okay maybe not always right) and I take another step closer to letting the hurt losing my son has burned in my heart go free, so that, in time, I will look back and remember the good, the happy, his youth.
For now I am designing his gravestone, since I have been left with $10,000 debt on a credit card I used to bail him out each and every time he was in trouble (he was in trouble a lot until he found true love) they were paying on it but now it is mine, by choice, to handle alone.
My family will be paying for this and I have not once asked how much guessing my family won’t mind splitting the cost for their brother, for their nephew, for my Joe. I hope I am not wrong that I am not assuming too much…how much could a double bevel two person stone w/ picture cost?
My son would have turned 40 this coming Jan 15, just writing that made me cry and sigh deeply, my hope is once the stone is set and the birthday is past my true smile can return again and maybe instead of crying all morning it will widdle down until I cry less at each place, then not at some places and then maybe, just maybe I will get through an entire day without a tear.
Just a smile remembering the man my Joey was….
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V.Corso
Natalie K. Munden
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Comments
Maybe great sadness precedes a smile.
If we have never been disgusted we shallow.
`
I hate to witness
people arguing over
the price of a bouquet
`
I read that we humans are:
One human race `Bouquet.
Some flowers decay so fast.
`
There is an invisible chord.
The chord binds us as`One.
It's one teaching ref:,`Grief.
`
Grieve well. Smile comes.
You will benefit humanity.
It's sorta a alabaster box.
`
In time, at he right time
as like a ripe fruit served
on the silver dish platter
`
It's ripeness at a moment
Grieving isn't enjoyable
To feel Joy is to smile
`
We silly folk feel unworthy.
It's a grand earthen mystery.
I can't explain. Experience it.
`
humus
humility
hummus
`
It's a sense
of earthen
it's wonder
This is one of them dear.
But know you are doing the right thing as you type out these words.
You help many with them to understand.
I send best wishes for the tear-free day to come.
And the healing to be complete.
and a real smile for ya. But I still wait...
As that word came to me I looked up to see a dove on the deck drinking the rain. A sign? Stay open, feel what you need to feel and do what you do best-keep on keeping on.
xoxo
Lezlie
Sharon
Peace.
R
I love everyone of you for your incredible support, you are my anchor to the real world and I thank you.
At my mom's wake, my dad, a little addled by dementia,
having gained ALOT of weight lately,
certainly could not wear his usual sweat pants.
So we bought him some nice dress pants.
But...we forgot to get him a belt.
Dad made it through the 2 hrs of shaking hands
and standing around and etc,
but
at the very end, he stood up a little too fast
and his pants fell to the floor.
Mother, lying in her casket, looking lovely,
was hopefully in heaven by then,
and past being mortified by
old Dad's shenanigans.
Next day, day of the funeral, me & Sis went out to Walmart
at 6 am & got him a belt.
It will get less painful as the rawness decreases and your good memories surface. Of course you wll think of him every day ut in time the smiles of happier times will help.
Thank you so much for sharing it... and thank you all for your kindness.