I am trying something new, to me, cleansing my Chakras the first time tonight with the help of a CD.
Maybe I have just been on automatic pilot since my son became sick or maybe I just stepped outside myself, like watching a show that keeps going on even when you need it to stop, but tonight, just now as I finished I laid in my bed and I wept.
I wept for myself, I wept because I saw I need to let my son go, I need to step back in to myself, accept that he is no longer alive, he is not in China, he is not moved away, he has died, even though I was there, even though I made the call to let him go I have been strong because I was playing a part, a part I was raised to play, the part of the strong woman who buried her first son and lived to tell the tale, who stood by her oldest son as he took his last breathes too. A part no mother, no parent should ever be asked to play.
By accepting this thought, this reality I won't die, my heart will break but time heals all wounds, while I still weep for my young son lost so many years ago it isn't the hard aching hurt I feel now when I cry for this son lost.
I think of my son and his fiancés plans to toast away a hell year on New Year’s eve, I think of her plans to buy him his first ever recliner for his 40th birthday and I cry for what should have been, what I wish would still be but know I need to let this go too. My wishing it won't change a thing, it will only make me hurt longer.
Maybe I have been strong long enough to heal a bit that the reality of it all won't bring me to my knees, or maybe this is just the first time in over three months I have dared to relax long enough to breathe in and out and let go, let it all wash over me as if I were standing in the ocean saying goodbye.
I don't know how long I can stand, just yet, to be back inside myself and may step back out to finish watching this play pan out, but for now I am trying son to let you go, be patient with me please our bond was strong and I miss you so much I think sometimes I will die of heartbreak, so forgive me if I go to my imagine world where you are happy and loved and moved to China, I will still do everything I can to take care of your beloved, we plan on meeting once a month, we text each other regularly to see how we each are doing and she will be forever by your side.
That is what I can do, what I can control and so I shall.
For now I will hold you tight in my heart and continue to try to let you go free slowly so my heart doesn't just stop from the pain of your loss.
Maybe I need to step back out for now honey, it hurts to breathe, and I think I will finish watching this show from the safety of the balcony.
At least for a little while longer...
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
V.Corso
Natalie K. Munden
janicephelpswilliams
WorkingSlob
Steel Breeze
OS Readers' Picks
Salon.com
Comments
Rated.
Love you my friend.
The breathing will come easier, the heart won't hurt quite as much, the tears will eventually stop but you don't have to let him go because he's not letting you go. He'll always be around you, just not the same way, they both will. They both are, making a ring of love around their mom.
747's full of love from Downunder, mom.
We can't force our emotions to do as we'd like and we can't be too impatient with our pain. No matter how hard it is, I think we need to let things be while taking baby steps towards rebuilding our lives. There is nothing wrong with tears, particularly after an ordeal such as yours.
Breathing exercises can get you through much pain. I use them myself.
Your writing is brilliant. Your expression of what life has brought is excellent.
You help so many understand here, including me.
Please continue to write all.
And know in this space, you are cared about and loved.
I am crying for ya here and now.
Love and comfort to you.
If you believe in God, ask Him.
If you believe in the Universe , ask it.
Open to it. if you can.
It maybe will come in a dream.
It did for me, last week, from my dear departed parents.
Inside , Outside ? Illusions, in the end. Maya.
There is but One.
Its interconnectedness cannot be broken, only denied. Not seen,felt.
“I don't know how long I can stand, just yet,
to be back inside myself and may step back out
to finish watching this play pan out”
Sublimate.
Look for a miracle of perception.
You will get one.
Blake:
“thus she lamented day & night, compelled to labor & sorrow.
Love
In vain
Her lamentations heard:
In vain
His Love brought him in various forms
before her.
Still she knew him not”
Only natural. But not the way it need be, is my humble opinion.
I have also recently tried a homeopathic product called Ignatia Amara, I learned about it from Oryoki Bowl. It really works, even better for me than Atavan. You can get it at any healthfood store or Coop or Wholefoods.
My prayers and thoughts are with you,
rated with love
The wonder that your grasp of the language even in the deepest part of misery capably leads us through each sting and sharp shard of pain and through every gleam and glimmer of the love that abides in spite of it. You give us your unique slice of life worthy of tears and pride for the reading.
Terri.. you have the seeds for a book here ya know..
Rated for a study in what it is to be human and love and lose and live on.
Absence of a beloved one is the most painful feeling in life.
My thoughts are with you.
R♥