This picture makes me sad, I just realized I was sitting and staring at it, remembering...

My sister gave me pictures yesterday from mom's stuff she has been going through for us all. I sat down this morning after my son left put the CD she burned for me on my computer, took a deep breath and clicked start.

I thought I could do this and while I did get through all the pictures I found tears streaming down my cheeks throughout, even now while I try to get my words right.

Is there where it started to go wrong, my baby with cancer his twin sister and big brother posing for one of our last pictures as this family. My sister says my first husband loved me and I want to believe that, somewhere someone has done some big project on how many divorces happen to parents who have a child die and I believe it without looking for it.

I watch how my daughter only remembers the bad and find that it is all I remember too without the pictures to jog my memory from when we were happy, we did love each other, our children, we had plans for a life that ended up so wrong from where it started I forget we once laughed, planned our future, thought we would grow old and watch our children grow old beside us with grandchildren abounding. We thought we could beat the odds, his abusive dad, drunk mom, my poorness worn as a shield on my heart never thinking I would be any more than who I was.

This husband turned to drugs, his love for his still living son turning to jealousy, me finding letters to our son in his stuff after he passed away. Letters talking about how I controlled him, how he was looking for answers, how he had a solution to his problem. How long after this he didn't take his insulin and died alone in his trailer I refuse to look at the date, I don't want to know if it was purposeful or not. I don't want to know...

Now to bury yet another son, gone before me leaving behind a woman who loves him dearly and a family that were just getting him back from the abyss he had fallen in. To think I won't see him again, either of my boys, is to much to even contemplate, I will see them again, I will quit crying myself to sleep and I will quit this plastic smile, taking care of the world, look at me world I am superwoman life I am trying to prove I am living.

I'm lonely damn-it, I watch my sisters and brothers with their loves, three of them together for so very long, one brother in love now and it makes him smile, then there is me always the fuck up, the one that can't get anything right, the one that needs a mate, a friend to tell her soul, her troubles, share her life with more than she needs to breathe. The one who can't even save her children....

I made it through Christmas for my family, for all my friends here, yes and thank you all for reaching out to me I do appreciate it but didn't want to burden anyone not at Christmas, not when we are taught to smile, to laugh, hell it's Christmas.

I am being whiny I know that, I am appreciative for all my children, all the love they give me and my family who try hard to help, not knowing how and I can't help them as I think this is all a matter of time and space to heal. My granddaughter is the light of my life, making me smile without trying and I love her and them with all my heart.

I will be okay even if the "big" plan for my life is suffering and hardship, if love never will find me I will keep on doing what I think is right but God if your listening I could sure use some help here.