Oh so DIFFICULT! I think I would give up talking all together. I did that a little with my recent loss but yours is much more. I just quit. No one really wanted to hear and it brought down every conversation. I had a few people I could unload to and of course OS!! You have a long journey ahead of you in this life so pace yourself. It doesn't get easier.

You need to be patient with yourself. And you are allowed to excuse yourself from conversations that you don't want to be in, such as about other people's children. The day will come when you'll find joy in those tales, but until it does you are allowed to take care of yourself. Your life has changed and you need time to adjust, so go take care of yourself.

Be easy on yourself....and no, no, no...you did nothing to create this pain, you did nothing to warrant punishment. I understand the need to find reasoning in unreasonable circumstances but you didn't do it, you just live through it. I can't even imagine how much pain you must feel, but you really aren't responsible for making other people feel bad or uncomfortable, you can only be what you are right now, today. Best to you and your family as you live through this -- and you will live through it.

I think you are expecting too much from yourself. It has been such a short time since your loss. Stay away from difficult situations if you can. Be kind to yourself. Cry when you want to and get some rest.

There is no timetable for grief. There will come a day when you'll feel like life has begun again. But for now... it has slowed to a painful crawl and there's nothing to do except to keep walking through it. I believe losing a child(ren) must be the worst pain in the world. I've known grief, but I would never presume to compare any grief I've experienced to the grief of losing a child. Know that you are in my prayers. Be good to yourself and don't put yourself on anyone's timetable.

Ah u reveal yer grieving holy soul, here, to our immense benefit.

Talk away. Why not? Your children are safe.

Theirs, not…ha..

“That's hard to wrap my mind around to cause people pain just by sharing my life.”

What the hell else do others do unto us, anyway?
Pain is hard to bear, not impossible.


Pain is not the ultimate. Others think it is …we in the know know better……..

U say:

“ I need to talk about my children, all of them and will,
knowing some may back up,
some may have no words to say
and will not come around me anymore
but some will sit quietly and remember with me.
Those are the people I will hunt out,
those are true friends, family and those are who I need in my life.”



Death aint any kinda end to me, so watch out. I will talk with u plenty.
Pain is like mother’s milk to me.
Alas.

xo

You always have us to talk to, Terri. I can imagine the isolation of not being able to talk to people about what you've been through. A others have said, it hasn't been very long and there is no time table for grief.

I'm going to say something that may sound strange...don't worry if you make people feel sad by your answer. This time is for your healing. No one is immune to loss and heartbreak. It is inevitable on this plane of existence, so not talking about it doesn't protect them. Their ability to feel sad with you is part of the human experience. Keep talking, writing, crying, whatever you need to do. I can tell from this post and others, that you will survive. I have no doubts...only admiration.

Oh, I'm so sad you're having a terribly difficult time. This post reminds me of when my aunt died and my grandmother wept, saying, "You should never lose a child...God should have taken me instead." She never got over it...but after a while, I do recall her smiling and laughing again.

Take care, I'm sending you loving thoughts right now.

Terri I agree with all who have said that you are being too hard on yourself, you are expecting too much of yourself. You lost a child - the pain of which is so terribly unimaginable to me that it is either the #1 or #2 reason I chose not to have any children (me dying and leaving them young is the other of the top 2). Yes, eventually, someday it will get a little bit easier to get through a day, or a conversation. You will genuinely smile again someday. I only know this because I have seen other parents do it. But you lost your child! Give yourself some time. Be as patient and kind to yourself as you would to a good friend who lost her son. And if conversing about any children is too difficult, just excuse yourself. "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to talk about our kids, mine or yours. I hope yours are happy and healthy though, and someday I'll be better about this."

You're strong, Terri. This will pass.

I am so, so sorry for the grief, lunchlady. I have no children of my own so I cannot imagine your grief, but I do feel for you and I am wishing you strength and sending you love.

Thank you one and all for keeping me sane for giving me reality checks and love. I know I am expecting to much but I think it is so the pain will lessen quicker. I write and some find there way here and some are sent off to nowhere land as they are too much to even be read by others. I wonder sometimes if I will ever go back to the person I was before and realize she is gone, she may come back better or not but she will never be who she was again...
I go back to work on Monday and we will see how it goes, how I handle it all. My hope is being busy, being forced to focus will ease my mind. If you don't see me for a bit ( who knows when I need to write) it will be because I am back to work.
Thank you everyone of you for without you I would only have my sister to talk to and she is grieving too so we find we can't talk sometimes, no voice. Thank you all...

I'm glad you can express yourself here in safety and I hope at some point you might consider grief counseling. I know there are free groups in many communities and I hope there is one near you. It might be helpful. (hug)

I know I am expecting to much but I think it is so the pain will lessen quicker.

I think that says it all. You want the pain to stop. Of course you do. No one wants to have that kind of pain every day.

I think Sharon is right that one thing you don't need to worry about is making others sad by your grief. Those who can't handle it simply don't need to be on your radar. They'll be in your shoes in some day in one form or another, and then they'll understand.

Losing hope.
You probably SHOULD feel like that. You'd not be human if you did not.

Terri, you hurt so bad because you've had it so rough, and you have an amazing heart sweetie!
The same amazing heart you have always had.
You have not changed where it counts Terri.

Hope has this way of sticking its head up when you least expect it, and I wager you will find it again someday, but for now, don't suppress what you feel.
Let it flow from you. Let everyone feel what you feel. If they handle it, then those are the friends you need in your life right now,..and if they don't...well..they are not bad people, but they are also not what you need in your life at this moment.

God puts certain people in our lives at certain times for a reason Terri.
Find the friends he put there now for you.
It seems like many may be right here.

Oh, Terri! I know you're really trying. Nobody "deserves" tragedies. (If you have not yet done so, please read Rabbi Harold Kushner's "When Bad Things Happen To Good People"). So...you don't have to talk about your children any place (or any time) you don't want to. You are not responsible for the feelings of strangers or casual acquaintances. You've got enough to do getting yourself through the days, while loving your living children and grandchild. There's no reason for you to add guilt to grief.
You are so, so; SO good.
I pray for you every day. I read everything you post, as soon as I see that it's there. And I hope that, somehow, this person you've never seen in person, caring and sympathizing from afar, can send a tiny ray of light into your world.
I won't tell you not to lose hope. Because you will. It's normal. But it's also normal to find hope again (or let it find you). May you find strength and faith and consolation until that day...

No matter how hard it is LL, keep writing it out here, for we all will listen to all of it. I am so glad you are here and you have all of us to listen.
With your writing here, all of us can learn.
Nothing good in life comes fast or easy.
You are loved and accepted here.
Loved LL.
I love you for who you are.
May peace come to your heart.
Sending it with all my being....

You are not alone, Teri. My aunt and uncle, who are both 85, lost their youngest son, my cousin, almost two years ago to cancer. He was the child most like my uncle and the one (there were three) who never gave him any problems. He is still grieving; some days he is almost inconsolable. But each day gets a little better, he tells me. Some people do become impatient with him, but most simply give him a hug and sit with him.

I know how seriously you take your job, and I do think it will help you to get back into that routine. Give it your best shot. That's all anyone can ask you to do.

Lezlie

'Right now'.. key words.

I go with Mime here, we westerners are too good at avoiding death in all of it's facets, others need reminders. If it makes them uncomfortable, then more of it might help them learn to deal better. Talking about happy births is acceptable - talking about the loss of loved ones needs to become more acceptable.

You do as you need to Terri, if it doesn't bother you to tell your son's story, don't worry if it bothers others. His life is something to be proud of for him, he had turned it around, he was facing happiness after a rocky start - that's a tale of hope worth telling.

He had achieved some balance in his life before he left.. not all of us will manage that.

Do what you need to and let others settle as they may. **Your right to your place in this world is just as valid as the place of any other.**

Rated for we are all in this together no matter what we like to think.

(((Terri)))

Somewhat, to hope for,
Be it ne'er so far
Is Capital against Despair --

Somewhat, to suffer,
Be it ne'er so keen --
If terminable, may be borne.

~Emily Dickinson~

With love, LL2♥

Terri, my own thoughts and feelings echo so many here.

I just want you to know that I am here for you too ... while you talk about Joey and Toddy and all of your children; while you are sad; while you grieve; while you cry; while you ask questions; while you doubt; while you try to hope again; while you just do what you need to get through this.

I am here. I am not flinching.

I am here with so many other friends here.

Lean on us as much as you like, dear Terri. We love you.

Dear LL, I don't know if this will help you but it helped me climb out of debilitating grief. It sound weird and flippant, but it worked and I mean it sincerely. I would drive to and from work listening to the radio or CDs, and the music would get me to crying every day. You know how music can really crush your heart? Just two notes together is enough to make me cry. Driving down the streets sobbing just wasn't helping at all. Then. Somehow. I discovered there is a comedy radio station in my area--it's comedy almost 24/7. They go from Bob Newhart to Rodney Dangerfield to George Carlin to Louis CK to Dave Chappell. So that's where my radio is now all the time. I no longer sit at stop lights and wipe tears off my neck; I'm chuckling to myself, or even laughing out loud instead.

I'm not saying I am "over" anything. I still am sad, and I cry, and I gnash my teeth over regrets (though this less and less). But the comedy forces me to leave that behind for a while, to give my spirit some moments of relief. And I am much, much the better for it, both happier and healthier. I'm more able now to think of good times, joyful memories, to keep my lost loved one alive in my head and my heart. Maybe this would be good medicine for you. Hugs and love....

Keep talking and give yourself time. Love yourself and it will be okay.

I've wanted to write this for awhile and have been struggling with the 'right' way to say it, so I'm going to give up on 'right' and just write it. You are being much too demanding of yourself right now. When you find yourself thinking, "I should...." or "I shouldn't...." etc., stop. Tell yourself that you have just suffered the greatest loss a parent can suffer, and you get a break from 'shoulds" and "shouldn'ts"... You are entitled to feel and think just about anything you want to right now. Find ways to be good to yourself, and give yourself permission to think and feel anything you want to, for as long as you want to... let yourself do this. Just be in grief.... just be, and let the rest of the world work itself out around that for awhile...

Lunchlady 2 Open Salon is a sorta weird place for all things. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. I'm pretty busy; but I like this site a lot, so I try to come by here as often as time permits. I'm not gonna pretend I know everything you're going though. But if you ever need a sounding board or a friend's shoulder please send me an inbox message. I'll give you my personal email and I'd be happy to listen. However dark it seems. You have friends who care.

Okie doke. not the best grammar. But from my heart anyways.

I crawled into a shell for 3 years when my husband died. I could not have written a word to heal my heart. But, you are here and we all care and you are strong enough to write. Fill your heart with words of love and we will return the favor. You are home here and we all care.
rated with love

I agree with RomanticPoetess.
Fill he heart up with Positives.
Eat lots of M & M's in bed too.
Blue M & M's taste the best.
No argue with home guest.
If guest clog commode call:
`
Ask a 9-11 operator for help.
She can send a NYC plumber.
Dye Easter eggs. Use ducks.
Ducks have double yokes.
Make deviled egg for lunch.
Fill heart up with love notions.
Never wear the flowered blouse.
They may appear about to burst.
You struggle like we all struggle.
Your heart is in the right place.
Nature placed a heart on left.
My left calf is acute. Moo`gin.
I sure no like these warmongers.
Who (boo) knows why I ranted?
I Hope you are not gonna argue.
No fight `bout M & M candies.
Blue taste the best. No argue.
Put Pizza pie in back pocket.
Place toothbrush in blouse.
No put tubes in back pocket.

My hope's gone too. Why do anything? It's all just an act for the villians.

I will tell you I have had a difficult life. And I never know when things are going to go insane again because that is how my life seems to work. I try to enjoy the small things in life and the big things. At the moment, I am so over extended with my Autistic son that it is insane but he is still here so you really did make me realize how much I fail to realize I have been given in this life. And I can promise you after reading about the loss of your son I will not ever do that again. I am not sure I understand karma as I use to. I am not sure someone can do one thing today that is good and expect to get good things back in the future. Or Mayhap not like I imagined them to be at one time. Kind of like karmic points?? I don't think my life works like that or ever did. But when I read about the whole philosophy behind witches and that you could still keep God and be a witch, Hell, I hopped on the bandwagon. But I did not change. I was still a child of God. Therefore, I came to realize that I was not a witch but an Angel God had sent to earth for specific reasons. The first time I was told this, I thought man I went to psychic and blew $40 bucks on this! WTF??? And believe me some of the things she began telling me about myself and my daughter were out there. But the truth is my family has a history of healing and I can heal certain things with my hands. And I have healed myself with my hands when it came to pain when I was a child. She said, "You still can, you just have forgot that you can." SO I asked Raphael to show me how again. And I know I can do this now. I can heal with my hands.

I know this is long and drawn out and not about you. And most people are thinking most likely why is that nut writing this stuff on LL2's blog when she is in so much misery. This is it; I think you are an incarnate Angel too! I have always felt this immense pull to you like I have known you but I know I have not. I believe we knew each other in the celestial realms. And God sent you here for a reason. He sent you here for many reasons.

God has been having me do many things that I have not so much enjoyed lately but he has been giving me answers lately. And he has given me purpose that I feel will give me personal pleasure. Oh, I love teaching my son. But my true love is and always be to be alone with paper and pen. I have not been able to write in a long time. But tonight I feel like putting these words here will help you immensely. And it gives me this floaty feeling when I am doing something that makes me feel like I am helping others.

And I have learned so much that has helped me from getting to the point where I am deeply depressed lately. God has said, "I am to write spiritual books." He has given me this message many different times and in many different ways. Honest, I thought God had lost his gourd. I know it was a little, no a lot BIG HEADED of me. But I am going to write a blog that I think will help you tomorrow. I hope you read it. And I hope you give it a try. I know many will throw their liberal paper balls at it. But I hope you will just take the time to read it because before I read this I thought how am I to help and what do I say. But when I read you tonight, you are so like me, and I felt right away that I could help you.

And since I have been learning about how incarnate angels work, I feel like I have more control. And the Grandchild LL2, I feel will be your reward in many ways. This Grandchild, a new hope, a new spark, this Grandchild will be special. All of those you came in contact with were special, but now I feel things will calm down and your life will get into order like it has not been before. But remember, every where in the universe, even in something so easy as breathing there is a give and take. There is a intake of breath and an excel of breath.

And just as with me, I always felt you were so busy giving but the take for you never came around. I am like that as well. You have to make sure that it does. Angel incarnates often feel guilty about asking for something in turn for anything they do. Even when they pray the will sometimes apologize for asking for help.

If you will the first step I would have you do. And even if you feel I am crazy. Just try this. And remember Angels and God can do nothing unless it is asked for. We have free will and they cannot interfere unless we ask because once God sent us into human bodies we no longer were in the Angelic realms but instead we became Incarnate Angels. And by the way, your earlier family life as mine fits you into this category too. :-)

Oh, so for the advice. First call on Arch Angel Michael and asked him to cut any harmful or draining strings that have been left on you unnecessarily. These ties are not what you think. People will not disappear from your life. What this is, is the ties that people have left that you have met throughout the day or mayhap even life that were tied to you as you were healing them with your words and kindness. It does belittle any of what you offered them or gave them it just stops them from draining your energy. I just did this for the first time tonight and I felt an immediate relief from what I call non-stop fatigue.

Next visualize yourself inside a white bubble. White is for general protection. Then layer it with yellow. Yellow helps to keep out toxic harmful energies. And this next one is really important for you. I really feel you need to meet Raphael. Visualize yourself surrounded by the white, yellow and then emerald green bubble. The Emerald Green is the healing. Often Angels incarnate feel fatigue often. And don't feel bad or say sorry for asking for the Angels help. They will help you and you will begin to feel so much better. After I found my relationship with the Angels, my relationship with my higher being (God) came a lot easier. But your divine one can be whoever. The Angels will work with anyone. No religion, no divine power or entity own them. The Angels are open for all to call on. I so hope I have helped you. Although I do realize that it will take time to heal. And I have so much more to say.. I want to help you as I have been helped. You can also take that energy and surround your family. I have many psychic gifts and I had this huge pull to come on here tonight. My heart is with you and I am with you. I wish you many blessings to come. And I am sorry about the loss of your son. I can't imagine, although my son had a close call when he jumped out of the window.

It seems that OS folks are speaking for me this am. You, too...

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through...even knowing that it's normal. Unfortunately, it's going to be a long process, as you already know. Of course you feel bad and cry all the time. I would wonder about you if you didn't. Seek help if you need it and pray as much as you can. God will hear you....

It isn't magic, it doesn't just go away. The pain stays with you but it also will bring back the joy as well. Right now you are wounded and raw. No one should ever try and tell you that you "should be better", because you aren't. After such a struggle to get him on the right path, after finally seeing some success to have him taken so quickly and in such a tragic fashion should leave you feeling just about everything you have described here. It is okay for little things to trigger a strong emotional response. It is okay for you to feel bereaved. You are a mother who has lost a child. Your life was hard to begin with and this will only make it seem harder. There is no time limit on grief, there is no schedule for your life to go back to "normal". Stop fighting that pain and take it for what it really is, a sign of how strong your love for your son is. The more we love the greater the pain and nothing changes that. The rest of your family doesn't expect you to just jump up and be your old self again, no one does. When people talk to you about their kids try to remember that they feel the same about theirs as you do your's. They are not trying to hurt you or force you to be happy and all that, I think that many of them are just trying to help you get past the sorrow and find the things that made you happy, love them, and proud of them.
When that sadness overwhelms you try to think of the person as being what you saw them to be, I know that they are gone, nothing can change that. You did all a person can do, nothing can change that either. There should be no guilt that hounds you. Second guessing is a losing proposition. We all do what we think is best and when it is done we have to accept the choices that we have made for what they are. The best we can do in a given circumstance.

Thank you all for you comfort as we all know I get none at home and you all are what is keeping me going...
I really truly just want to wake up from this incredibly horrible dream and wrap my arms around my son holding tight and never letting go...but we all know that can't happen in this life and whether I want to or not I have to work towards accepting he is gone. BUT I so don't want to....

I am crying all the time too because my husband has cancer and I can't stop but that's all we can do right now. Crying is part of healing; that's the whole point of having tears.

Take comfort in the number of supportive comments you receive here and the understanding shown.

The path of life is rarely easy, but there is little we can do but attempt to accept the knocks we receive along the way. Karma isn't always to do with bad things and there are many who believe our paths are chosen for us.

Keep writing and seeking out those who can truly listen and understand your feelings. Patience and time will help and none of us know what lies ahead, good or bad, so keep battling.

Sending you love and a belief that you will have hope again, one day.
xoxo

I think grief can be relished, and that is not a bad thing, to embrace and even treasure it for the connection it makes between all human beings. Do you know the exquisite Rumi poem?

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi

Impossible to give advice. There is no worse state of mind than losing hope and fearing that any hope of regaining hope is impossible. I am stuck in that place for now.
Hope and faith are everything at certain terrible times. I can only hope that time does heal wounds and that you manage to hold on long enough for that healing to take place. You do have much to live for, Lunchlady.

Lunchlady 2...you expressed very well how sharing your pain doesn't result in the warm fuzzy treatment you'd expect, but how people seem to literally feel your pain, and not want to be near it. I lost my mom when I was 15, and the response then was overwhelming love and support....but in 2007, i got skin cancer (at 30!) in January, in march of the same year my 48 year old sister died unexpectedly, then in august of the same darn year, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. No warm fuzzy response from caring friends...more like they ran so as not to be exposed to my unlucky streak. Recognizing their response was about them took a long time for me to wrap my head around. You might be crying at commercials still, but you are handling your grief with grace...and teaching many a lesson to those around you. Good luck to you, and keep writing:-) rated

I would say that they may not like to hear it but they NEED to hear it. They need to know - or learn - that it's okay to talk about sad things, even if it's sad, or uncomfortable or whatever. They may not know what to say back, because they won't want to cause you pain, either. So even if they are silent it won't mean that they don't care. One of these days one of them might be in a similar situation and you will have taught them that we should not keep all sad things hidden away.

You can also help them by thanking them for listening. Telling them how much it means to you to be able to share with them. It's difficult for everyone but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all! I have copied the beautiful poem and I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You are all amazing...

We're with ya LL. They'll say it all for me. All my best.

Oh my life is a bundle of things and sometimes you cannot solve things by conversation. I heard silence works wonders.