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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I have been here, oh my, 2 or 3 years and in that time I have seen my youngest daughter wed and have my first beautiful granddaughter. I have seen a son join the Navy and fly away and I have buried my oldest son. This makes two sons I have lost and right now the world seems unfair and harsh but someday I will smile again and remember the good times more than the bad. Did I mention the alcoholic husband who has been in the hospital three times near death...it makes me wonder much about why some live, yet don't, and some die who are just starting to live. Out of 6 children I still have 4 and they are the light of my life....

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FEBRUARY 10, 2012 7:59PM

Never the Same

Rate: 29 Flag

That is how I know life will now be and I am trying with all my being to accept this. I am trying when my thoughts automatically go to calling my son to tell him something, happy, sad, funny, silly, knowing he would understand and laugh back with me and then I realize he is gone and my heart breaks.

My son was the one I had to pour all my heart in to, bailing him out of one mess after another but we still always understood each other, him meaning to someday pay me back, me knowing he never could but we were always mother and son. Always mother and son and our bond was strong...

I can't yet get his last day out of my head, the last look, even though I didn't look I saw and it stuck and it rides me like a night train through the tunnels of hell, sneaking up on me when I least expect it causing river of tears to cascade down my face...

Life will never be the same again and we all have to live with that, while I know that I remember the years, all our hopes as a young family, our dreams were so innocent, we were all so young, we thought we held the world in our hands.

Now almost 59, two children and one husband dead with the last husband standing with one foot on a banana peel the other on a roller skate which I am more than willing to push down the road, I am nowhere near where I imagined I would ever be.

I have so much I want to write three posts going all at the same time none finished, I can't seem to finish anything.

Life will never ever be the same but I will continue to search for my laugh, my smile, my heart will heal, my mind will forget, but I will never ever be the same...

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searching, depression, sickness, sadness, children, loss, death, life

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Each day you will come closer to finding your laugh, but realize you've endured so much so give yourself time...we're all here for you. xoxo!
MichelleD
February 10, 2012 08:31 PM
My Grandma died 10 1/2 years ago. I still have her phone number in my head and wish every day I could call her. She was the one that loved me unconditionally. I've got new people in my life, but I'll never have another one like her. Some people you just don't get over losing, and that's okay.
just phyllis for now
February 10, 2012 08:51 PM
Write 'em all, but write.
You're putting your thoughts in order.
Loving : I will continue to search for my laugh, my smile, my heart will heal, my mind will forget, but I will never ever be the same...
Whatever else has happened, you've turned yourself into a writer before some amazed, grateful, humbled & very handy readers here Ll. That you write through this, & that you write for us ( I know for you too ) is probably the greatest gift OS has to offer I think.
Thank you.
Kim Gamble
February 10, 2012 09:01 PM
When you're ready to write, I am ready to read. I was hoping there would be something from you soon, even though I knew it would be pain-filled. You are always part of this community, LL2, and we welcome your pain as well as your (too rare) songs and joys. Because we welcome YOU. And we miss YOU when you don't show up for a while. Take your time with the planned posts. Be here anyway (at least if you want to). I'm in your cheering and praying section...
Eva T. Made Vaudeville
February 10, 2012 09:07 PM
Life won't be the same but it can be a wonder. Keep writing and sharing your journey.
rated with love
RomanticPoetess
February 10, 2012 09:15 PM
Thanks all for walking with me. I forced myself to sit, to write today and feel better for having done so. I may get through all this yet...
Lunchlady 2
February 10, 2012 09:27 PM
Oh honey. I know exactly where you are . . . You are right, life will never be the same, but that doesn't mean you will never be happy again. You will. Big hugs and love to you sweetheart.
LadyMiko
February 10, 2012 09:27 PM
Those times when the tears come cascading--I know what that's like, L. L. It's a good thing, those tears, they keep moist what might otherwise be a dry, barren, purposeless existence. And slowly, ever so slowly they heal us. Yes, they do.
John A Bayerl
February 10, 2012 10:55 PM
I agree, you will never be the same, nor will you ever forget. Only time will soften your pain and suffering. Some day, you will smile again.
I Love Life
February 10, 2012 11:34 PM
I thank you all, I can't even begin to show how much the comments mean to me, how much your words touch me, help the healing begin.
Please know I'm reading, absorbing, learning from you all.
Lunchlady 2
February 10, 2012 11:41 PM
It will never be the same. But you must persevere because your son needs that. He needs to know you are dealing and looking for happiness. ❤
mypsyche
February 10, 2012 11:50 PM
My heart breaks for you but I in awe of your courage. From one who knows: you never get over it, you just get on with it. Thoughts and prayers with you.
Sally Swift
February 11, 2012 12:00 AM
LL2: I am sometimes at a loss for words on these posts because they tear my heart out. I would like to offer words of wisdom but they seem pale in light of what you are going through. I can only say that I hope someday you remember your son's face with a smile on it. Peace be with you and may your struggles be rewarded in this lifetime.
Scarlett Sumac
February 11, 2012 12:04 AM
I know what you mean about seeing him the last days. My strongest memory is his surprised & happy expression when he saw Geo, & how he automatically put his hand out to shake Geo's. I see that again & again. But at some point, the last days will fade, & you'll see him as he was before he got sick. It helped me a lot putting together those books with the photos. The same as typing up Mom's diaries & scanning her photos made me see her again as she was before she got sick.

I wish we could just google "happy memories" & all the horrific ones would disappear, overwhelmed by smiling faces & laughter. I ALSO find myself dwelling on death & our mortality & cancer & loss. Today I sat playing with the grandkids thinking, Shit, we all die. NOT the most positive thought to have during a Crazy Eights marathon.

Ironically, & maybe it's always this way, we're sad because we loved him so much. Love is this wonderful amazing deal, but the eternal trade-off appears to be Yeah, you get love & it's eventually going to break your heart & make you unbearably sad. Sigh.

I love you, let's go to a movie or something. An early dinner. Or you can come up & sit on the deck & watch for eagles. Nothing is going to make it all better, but on the other hand, you need to do something pleasurable. Something to remind you that while life on this earth is short, it can also be sweet. Did I mention that I love you?
suzie
February 11, 2012 01:06 AM
Your laugh, smile, heart and mind are there. I can see them!! Lots of Love to you!
zanelle
February 11, 2012 02:04 AM
Boy I feel this way about my mother and I guess all we mostly. Having a child is yet another matter and finding the place in your heart to accept and move on is something very difficult. We are share your grief and in itself a form of relief.
.........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
☼•*¨`*•.¸.(ˆ◡ˆ).¸.•*
............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Peace and ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥Have a Lovely Day ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥ (ツ)
Algis Kemezys
February 11, 2012 02:10 AM
What they say is true. You can't go around grief, you have to go through it. I don't think it ever ends, but it does soften. After losing so many, I know this is true. It also takes so damn much time. Love to you as always.
Christine Geery
February 11, 2012 04:45 AM
Life is constantly changing and often for the worse and nothing remains constant.

I remember the last days of both my parents with heartache and longing, but time will soften the hurt, corny as it sounds.

Writing from the heart is great therapy, so keep doing it and remember all the things you've achieved as well as the sad times.
Linda Cooper
February 11, 2012 05:59 AM
I am at a lose for words... but not feelings.
R
Out on a limb
February 11, 2012 06:01 AM
I'll be seventy this year. Two children and the love of my life dead.

But I still have two daughters who call me everyday. You will find the way home.

r
toritto
February 11, 2012 06:48 AM
"It rides me like a night train through the tunnels of hell, sneaking up on me when I least expect it causing river of tears to cascade down my face." Oh the different journeys grief takes us on when we know what we have loved and loved well. Hugs to you today.
marytkelly
February 11, 2012 09:00 AM
I've just being thinking abou the same thing, LL. I guess most things make us not the same. I guess we can't hope to stay the same. It's that nostalgia for some percieved sense of the sameness that causes such despair. Yes, to get back smile and the laugh. Not much to ask, if you ask me.
fernsy
February 11, 2012 09:08 AM
So sorry for your pain. It will become easier in time. Sent with lots of love. Rated.
smalltownwriter
February 11, 2012 09:23 AM
I think you doing great considering what you have to get through LL2. I know it feels like hell but from this standpoint, you are an amazing woman. Keep going and keep writing OK?
Kellylark
February 11, 2012 10:06 AM
As a fellow traveler on that train through hell I know that things are never the same again after a great loss.
I also know that at one point one’s wounds heal over and that we are left with scars these marks upon our souls tells us we are survivors therefore we are able to laugh, smile and cry less.
Thinking of you
~R~
M. C. S.
February 11, 2012 11:06 AM
As not quite right as it sounds to say I'm glad you've continued to write through all your travails, I am. It's a major learning experience for me, the reader, and I expect for many other readers as well. Your writing has grown up phenomenally here in a way I can only compare to tr ig's, and I hope it helps with all the pain. As always, my best wishes to you.
Mumbletypeg
February 11, 2012 11:20 AM
I got up this morning finally getting here and find these wonderful comments. I can see how so many know the pain, the loss, the tears of losing one they love and I/ we are not alone in all this. I will be gone most of today ( thank goodness) first to visit my almost daughter in law in the hospital, then a craft enlightenment fair thingy, picking up a new swamp cooler since the husband broke mine and then...finally to a show tonight TAO: THE ART OF THE DRUM at the Gallo Center for the Arts that I bought tickets for my youngest son and I to go see.
I will be back but writing this yesterday and reading all the comments is like turning a switch back on, a life switch, if you will, and I am trying hard to move back towards it. Thank you all so much for your love..
Lunchlady 2
February 11, 2012 11:58 AM
The finishing will come. There is solace here. I'm glad you're searching for your smile and laugh.
Firechick
February 11, 2012 12:20 PM
"I can't yet get his last day out of my head, the last look, even though I didn't look I saw and it stuck and it rides me like a night train through the tunnels of hell, sneaking up on me when I least expect it causing river of tears to cascade down my face..."

Wow, that is some powerful imagery and wordsmithing, LL. Keep on pushing, dear.

Lezlie
L in the Southeast
February 11, 2012 01:49 PM
So much love ... is in ... your words ...
so much love ... is here ... for you ...
heart to heart to heart ... beating ...
here ...
anna1liese
February 11, 2012 02:04 PM
Gosh!
You seem like you are on a quest of sorts...to find where and whom you are?
J D Smith
February 11, 2012 05:02 PM
I can't seem to finish anything, you say.
I like to keep the things that matter in my life,
event the ghosts of loved ones, in the same predicament,
ha! You have to stick around to tend me.
They do.


Life will never ever be the same
but I will continue to search for my laugh,
my smile, my heart will heal,
my mind will forget,
but I will never ever be the same...

well healing is done over an horrific wound often.
that is what the body does.

imagine what the Spirit does..

to , let us say, yr son...

the healing..

the mystery.....
James M. Emmerling
February 11, 2012 05:10 PM