I realized the other day quite by accident that until I came here I was utterly invisible. I was embarrassed by my life, by my alcoholic husband, by the woman I perceived myself to be. I kept everything inside for fear someone might guess the hell my life was my inadequacies vivid in my minds eye.
Then my sister told me about this place she writes, this place called Open Salon and told me I should come, see. She finally sent me an invitation and I wrote some silly something finger poised over the publish button for an untold amount of time until with a deep breath I began my journey.
It took some time to gather readers but I found with each post I grew a little, I wrote my soul hidden behind lunchlady I could finally just be myself no one judging me, even if it was only in my mind I was being judged.
I found out, by reading, how to write better, yes I still need work but by reading others I found how to leave out those pesky "ands" working with the words to get my point across.
I found here a community of people needing to find, to use their voice in the written form.
I found support for what I thought only my cross to bear, I found people who had lived and or were living with alcoholics, people who had lost children, spouses and were surviving.
I finally told my young son's story his diagnosis and loss from cancer only to lose yet another son. Finding love here and support from people I had never met, one even offering to come sit with me at my son's bedside not getting to meet as that was the day my son died. Still I hope we do meet this summer.
I have discovered here that we are all more alike than we are different, we all want to be loved, liked, we all want to be "known" and this place gives a voice many of us would never know we had.
I have discovered myself here, I have become more "me" than I knew I could be even as far as including my job in my sons sickness and death. The me before coming here would have been stoic and kept it all hidden but the me now wrote long emails asking for prayers and surprisingly finding out along the way just how much those at work respected her, loved her and I was moved beyond words by this show of love from those I thought I was invisible too.
Open Salon has made me a part of a community and in accepting me into the fold made me the woman I had forgotten I could be and for that I thank you all.
I am no longer ashamed of who I am, of the life I have led, I don't need to speak out in whispers for fear someone will find out. I don't need to hide behind lunchlady anymore BUT here I will always stay and be her because she is how I found myself hidden in among the layers of life I wore.
I used to wonder ( I don't know why) how the death of my first son would have been different if I had been working, if I had known more people, sadly I was chosen to find out. Without discovering who I was and OS before the loss of my second son I don't believe I would have survived.
I guess what I am trying to say is thank you all for your love, your support and for your acceptance of me just as I am.