At last, in a way, peace, my shoulders relaxed and my breathing slowed and I accepted that I have no say over death, I have no knowledge what happens, where we go, if we go, why we go, and that is okay.
I will quit worrying if when my son died and we walked away leaving his shell there to be tended by the nurses if he watched or went with or was gone.
I will quit thinking about him lying alone in the morgue until I could get him to the cremation society.
I will quit wondering if when my truck died (it never just dies) as we were leaving the cemetery if it was him saying don’t go mom, don’t leave me here alone, or if he was just saying Hi I love you mom be safe…
My son you always needed me to help you, one fix after another you knew I would always be there for you and I would stand beside you help get you through it safely and then I couldn’t this time I couldn’t fix it and I had to let you go, for you, I had to let you go and even though it was the right thing to do and I stood tall to do so it killed me my boy to say goodbye like that.
I won’t bury these feelings anymore I will write them out and set them free to fly away and in doing so set us free for you to go or stay and for me to live.
This morning coming to work in the dark my crystal prism I have hanging from my mirror caught the light in the darkness just right, like never before, and it sparkled just for me. At that moment I knew you were sitting beside me in the truck, just like you always did and I smiled.
Thank you son for all your love, laughter, smiles and support over our years together I will never forget you not for a day, a minute, or a second, you shall always be in my heart.
Stay or go either way your mom is going to be okay until we meet again I love you son go in peace.