PEACE

to all who enter here

Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...

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MARCH 30, 2012 8:48AM

Peace

Rate: 30 Flag

 flying-birds-669-28 

 At last, in a way, peace, my shoulders relaxed and my breathing slowed and I accepted that I have no say over death, I have no knowledge what happens, where we go, if we go, why we go, and that is okay. 

I will quit worrying if when my son died and we walked away leaving his shell there to be tended by the nurses if he watched or went with or was gone. 

I will quit thinking about him lying alone in the morgue until I could get him to the cremation society. 

I will quit wondering if when my truck died (it never just dies) as we were leaving the cemetery if it was him saying don’t go mom, don’t leave me here alone, or if he was just saying Hi I love you mom be safe… 

My son you always needed me to help you, one fix after another you knew I would always be there for you and I would stand beside you help get you through it safely and then I couldn’t this time I couldn’t fix it and I had to let you go, for you, I had to let you go and even though it was the right thing to do and I stood tall to do so it killed me my boy to say goodbye like that. 

I won’t bury these feelings anymore I will write them out and set them free to fly away and in doing so set us free for you to go or stay and for me to live. 

This morning coming to work in the dark my crystal prism I have hanging from my mirror caught the light in the darkness just right, like never before, and it sparkled just for me. At that moment I knew you were sitting beside me in the truck, just like you always did and I smiled.

Thank you son for all your love, laughter, smiles and support over our years together I will never forget you not for a day, a minute, or a second, you shall always be in my heart. 

Stay or go either way your mom is going to be okay until we meet again I love you son go in peace.

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death, life, living, freedom, hope, children, love, peace

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Comments

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I'm struggling with this. I'd like to reach that place of peace.
~R~
Gawd this brings tears dripping LL. Right off my chin.
TY TY for this post of peace.
May the restless thoughts leave and the healing begin....
I've often felt the presence of my sister after her passing. Peace to your son & you, sweet Lunchlady.
Peace. Yes it is always right there for you to choose. He would want you to be at peace. I do too. I am looking. I know peace is so close. Thank you Thank you for writing!!
Sending my hugs to you, Lunchlady 2, and some tears, too. I'm glad you're finding peace. Thank you for sharing this beautiful letter to your dear son.
Ya have to find peace, if you dont its hard to move on..
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
Well crud! Grown men don't cry....right?

Peace is knowing that you are starting to find a little peace yourself!
Keep looking for it and you'll never find it... give up on it and in that surrender peace will find you.
What a way to pay tribute to him, and yourself. You will be okay
I think your feeling of peace means that he isn't really gone.
Simply wonderful in so many ways, the way it is written and expressed, the evolution of your emotions, the absolute beauty of the perspective. Thank you for sharing this, it helps so many.
It is a journey for all who love.
I hope peace surrounds you.
I hear your heart, and I cry
I see your heart, and I smile
I see love ... so much love...

Time
Time is too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But, for those who love –
Time is eternity.

Time is too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But, for those who love –
Time is eternity.
tears again LL. I have a son, I read this and know that anything can happen, but I understand a mother's heart.
sitting with you Ll. holding a hand out in the darkness.
"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it” Wishing you peace, always.
As they say ours is not to reason why...acceptance is difficult but something we must strive for.

I'd suggest you put all these beautiful entries into a book of remembrance dedicated to your son.
May that peace fill you, calm you and make a home in your life.
They do have a presence and I hope they are at peace.
This was stunning. R and hugggggs.
finally! you have reached Sanity!
"this morning coming to work in the dark my crystal prism I caught the light in the darkness just right, it sparkled just for me.
At that moment I knew you were sitting beside me "


you may know more about this than u know:
"have no say over death, I have no knowledge what happens, where we go, if we go, why we go, and that is okay."


mystery is just fine with me too.
science is impotent in proving anything except physical stuff.
May you find the peace you seek, in words and sharing!
I have been running all day but have now stopped to read your comments and wanted to say thank you all for hanging with me while I find my way back...
Sending you caring and peace and knowing how hard this is on you. Letting go of what is now, will help you remember all the help you gave him and love he gave to you , and you to him. Above all, he alwys knew how much you loved him.
I'm so glad you're finding some peace. Hold on to it.
I'm glad you wrote this.
A wonderful start in the healing LL. This is great to read. All my best.
To this day, when I drive past the funeral home where Gwen's remains were taken the night she died, I get this incredibly sad feeling as I think about how alone she was there that night. It was a foreshadowing of the loneliness I still feel.
"Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Wishing you continued strength and love, LL. -Erica