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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


JUNE 6, 2012 7:09PM

Mortally Wounded

Rate: 36 Flag

This is the feeling that sometimes overtakes my mind. The feeling that I will not be escaping this death, this time it may take me with it. Not in bodily form, but in spirit.

I see a mom hug her son on TV and I burst into tears, wishing I could once more hug my son, hear his laugh, our bond was strong and I miss him every minute of every day.

I find I think to myself how unfair life can be that he finally found love, found peace and then felt he had to hide just how sick he was from me, from us, showing how he learned from his mother, who learned from hers to always keep that face on in public. Never let them see you flinch and you can do anything...only he couldn't and my mind wanders wishing he had come to me and somehow we would have found the money to get him medicine and then we might have had longer to say goodbye.

But then I think once he had the stroke he never really ever realized how sick he was, he only gained full consciousness maybe twice, neither time I was there. The days I was there where he almost died and they re-ventilated him and the other when he could not speak but with his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes (how I miss those eyes) we "talked" but without words, using that special magic mothers and sons have from birth.

His love gave me a picture and shared with my sister and I about the day it was taken, the day he came home to their new place after his living in a fifth wheel by my house and he told her he could not remember ever being so happy that he shed his clothes, put music on and danced around the house naked, when he was little and life was fun.

The picture taken later that same day at the Mexican restaurant he had taken me to and his love and where I met her family, where my sister and I met that day to receive the picture.

  I look deep in my son's eyes in this picture and I see his soul, his hurt, knowing he found love too late, his beaten and rejected soul. I can see every bad word ever said to him, I can see every heartbreak, every bad day, every wrong choice, but I also see love, in a tiny corner, of his blue, blue eyes I see love and every time I look at this picture I must touch it, like I am touching him and trying still to soothe his brow, to calm his mind, to show him how much I loved , how much I love him still.

I wanted to copy this picture and place it here to share it but when I started to it stopped me, don't take me from this frame, leave me where I am, for now, share me when your stronger, when your heart can stand to see me staring back at you.

For now I still write it out, I still share my soul here, my battered and bruised soul and with luck this won't stay a wound like no other, with time it may become an ache, unlike any other but in time maybe my heart will ache less, my throat with loosen when I talk of him and maybe, just maybe I will be able to walk by the picture and not need to touch it, to stroke my son's face one last time...

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I have lost so many but I now they are still around me- I can feel it.
Sharing your soul is a good thing as it helps with the pain,
"he told her he could not remember ever being so happy." Nothing I can say will ease a bit of your hurt but I'm happy for you that he felt so happy. He always knew you loved him, he got to experience being truly loved by a woman and loving her back. He left surrounded by love, maybe that's something you can hang onto. Love and comfort to you.
Oh, sweetie. Your words will help. They always will. Spill it here. We'll gather and hold the silences or you, and offer our condolences like bread and handholding with prayer.
Holding you in the light now
I don't think you can ever find love too late. That he found it before he died is a wonderful thing. He died in love and how better to go out.
I agree with Linda. He is still with you and he knows how much you love him.
It is too hard to comment individually without repeating myself so please just know your words help, like throwing a drowning woman a life preserver, your comments keep me afloat and I thank you.
Share!!! We are here!!

Rated, of course!! ~hug~
I am so sorry. You are a beautiful soul, and you shall rise again.
It's good to know he found love, and was happy. Hold on to that.
"but I also see love, in a tiny corner, of his blue, blue eyes"

Yes, that love is what matters, from you to him and back to you. I wish you healing and peace, LL.
I so feel for you. You know, my husband lost a son, and I know for a long time he couldn't look at a photo or talk about it. But yes the ache lessened. I so hope it lessens soon for you. You are among caring friends here.
We are here, we are listening. We support you.
LL2, I didn't have kids because I was terrified of losing them. You were/are a very brave woman. You have grandchildren. Much to live for. I doubt the pain will lessen, but the reasons to get up and go on still exist. Keep getting up Terri.
When my baby died I did take all his pictures down, I had to so I could breathe, but this son he has been with me for almost 40 years, now 40 years and to take down his pictures seems somehow wrong, like I am trying to forget him, so I leave them up and I try hard everyday to remember a good thought but for now every good thought ends the day with a sad one. I thank you all for staying with me, for offering me/us your love and support. I know I say this a lot but I really don't know where I would be right now if I had not been brought here.
Don't comment, just read as many words of comfort as you can. Your pain will not leave until it's ready, until you're able to allow some of it to go, in pieces, slivers, one bit at a time. It's there to replace the hole he left in your heart. A hole it's too soon to fill with less painful memories. A hole that can't, shouldn't be filled with guilt.

He was loved and he knew it. He felt that special mother and son magic. You feel it still. You'll feel it always. I believe he will too.
Thank you again for writing. You know it helps me so. What is this death stuff? I don't know. It stays with us inside and alters us. It is important. You are important. Please keep writing and telling me the deep things. I want to know.
My heart reaches out and wants to comfort you. Your lovely writing is an homage to your son.
{{{{ Lunchlady2}}}}}
Prayers for your peace. It is a total destruction is it not? Mourning is pain complete. I have no healing words for your pain as I believe there are none. I do hope for you and pray. Not much but it's all I have, sorry.
You are in my heart.
Although I haven't lost a child (came very close a few months ago), I can sincerely feel your pain. This post brought more tears to my eyes because I can truly imagine your sorrow. I know how much I love my children and how it makes me shudder to think of losing any of them. I truly feel for you and wish I could wave a magic wand over you so your suffering will end.
WE are all here for you LL.
You are doing what you can deal with.
That is all anyone can ask honey.
You got here because you needed this forum.
And so please continue to write this very important blog.
It means so much to all of us dear.
I agree with Linda and Scanner, two of the wisest birds on OS.
I'm here to hear you. Share what you want and need to share. As always, my good thoughts and prayers for your healing...
The hurt never really goes away and yet you show a reluctant acceptance and grace.
I am so sorry for your loss, LunchLady2. I didn't write this specifically for you, but I hope that the hope it signifies may help just a little for you, too:

Nothing else I can say could say it better.
I remember trying to comfort a coworker whose daughter had just died of cancer. She said, "There is nothing you can say that will help. A mother is just not supposed to outlive her child." The pain will lessen but never go away. Telling your story is good for all of us, though. R

Something got me to listening to this today. You know why. That something got me to post it here. You know why. We love you. You know why that is too.
Thanks for the privilege of reading this, of going through this with you...
You are profound in your ability to share such immense pain and spiritual suffering. I am in awe of you, and I respect both your ability and your poise.
No comfort devised could possibly be extended in such a crude medium as this, but know that a screen is touched by a heart touched also.
Thank you all for everything, for being my rock when I need to clear my mind, for being my friends, for listening and understanding.
Yes Amy I have the song on my Ipod but need my truck back before I can take off and finally sing this song...
sending you hugs and big love, dear heart. Grief finds its own way - just keep walking, keep feeling it.
no words, except that i do know it will get easier for you, as it will for my sister. its the strength you both need to get there, that i dont know where it will come from. but i know she has it, somehow, in her. and i am certain you do, too.

love and a big hug.
You bare your soul with every word. Your strength is unfathomable to me. He and Laura had something so amazing that made him happy! He was surrounded by the ones he loved who made the best decision for him and I PROMISE you he knows EXACTLY how much you loved him and if he could I bet he would tell you hes OK! He will see you again he knows it and you need to know it. He can only give you signs and he knows you've seen them. I believe that the ache will begin to dull after time just know that he wants you to be ok he will always be with us mom. always.
well that says what i wanted to:
from yr daughter:
" I PROMISE you he knows EXACTLY how much you loved him and if he could I bet he would tell you hes OK! He will see you again he knows it "

accept it. find faith. this universe is not built to torment us.
we torment ourselves.
Lunchlady, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Cannot imagine your pain. Please keep writing and reaching with us. Silence for your pain, love for your strength, time for your healing, I wish you all.