I have been climbing out of this hole I am in, seems like forever, finding every time I take a step forward I take two back. I keep clawing at the sides of myself searching for acceptance, searching to find who I am and then to become comfortable with her.
I have recently added a certified social worker into the picture, thinking I did not want to stay on Lexapro forever but finding I was angry, maybe not all the time and maybe stressed is a better word, but I wanted out, I wanted to find happiness instead of just being the person who knew so well how to care for others but had no idea how to take care of herself and this not knowing somehow left me at the bottom of the hole, loved but alone.
My last session he told me to search for buzz words, words to help me see who I really am, the words he came up were, uninhibited, mischievous, naughty, fun loving, comedian, apologist, loving, very different and dark, saying I needed to take my power back too.
He was talking about how everyone had a dark side and he was trying to come up with how we deal with it and I mentioned if we didn't have a dark side we would be fake, because I don't care who you are, we all have a dark side that scares us sometimes. I guess it is just human nature. He thought that was one of the "deepest" statements he had ever heard.
Ever since that session I have been depressed and I am trying to understand why, not knowing if it even comes from the meeting or if it is outward related, my babysitting over, one week until works starts back and I have to deal with self-absorbed staff again, or that my youngest son may not be able to get in the army, even though we have jumped through all the hoops. Then if we add in my youngest daughter, her husband and my only grandchild may be moving out of California to Nevada to find work that actually pays a living wage well I guess I have every right to be depressed.
Through this I have also come to realize just how hard I am on myself, yes I was supposed to clean out the washroom, rearrange my bedroom, cut back more plants and walk the dog more and for everyone I haven't done I realize my inner self is putting me down, saying things like "if you weren't such a fat cow you would have more energy, if you weren't so lazy you could have a clean home, you sleep too much, watch too much TV, eat too much", always doing what I need to do for others but never enough energy left to take care of myself. I realized I thought like this all the time…
But then I started to think yesterday why do I keep comparing myself to what I believe others are..."I bet she has a clean home, he doesn't sit around watching TV, she must have a great life I hear them laughing all the time", but what if they sit around and wonder the same about me, "look at her garden, she has beautiful flowers, look how she gets to sit around on her swing and do nothing". Is it just human nature?
My summer is almost over and I have just now realized how very hard I am on myself, I expect so much more from myself than I would ever expect from someone else. If I was my friend I would say you have just lost your son, the one person in the world who really understood you, who you could tell anything, you miss him, you think about him daily, of course you’re depressed, of course you don't want to do anything. You are also dealing with a dying alcoholic who is needy and demanding and finding him dead some morning weighs heavy on your soul even though you won't admit it out loud.
Sit, rest, read a book, do something for you and go easy on yourself. Just for a while let the world take care of itself, it won’t crumble, it won’t fall apart. Maybe even let someone help take care of you, it is okay I promise they will not stab you in the back, you can let your guard down, how life has been does not have to be how life will be.
That is what I would tell me if I was my friend....
I really hope, I really believe this time I would listen.