Yesterday I realized how many names I call myself, how I have continued to denigrate myself after all the years of husbands and boyfriends doing it for me it seemed I had learned my lesson well.
I also realized I was running, if I kept my mind busy thinking of all the things I should, in my mind, be doing then I would not think about my son.
Today Aug 4th I did nothing I did not want to do, I told myself when I felt like doing something I would, so I did water my garden and fixed my fountain but I also laid out on my yard swing and took a nap. I have no memory of ever doing something like this outside, just lying down and sleeping. The breeze was blowing, it was only in the 90's today and it felt so right, so good, not even trying to talk myself into anything else, feeling no guilt.
I also just sat on my swing, watching the neighborhood go by and remembered my towheaded boy and his bicycles and friends and all his beloved cars and trucks over the years and I cried. I kept wishing his truck would turn the corner and this long nightmare would end...
I sat swinging remembering our good times, our bad times, our happy and sad times always together, always mother and son.
How he trusted me to find him a rehab place that he could live with, going together to sign him up, going together to drop him off after a quick banana split and burger at Sonic to get his psyche ready to let go of the past and start a new path.
All the nights of bringing him gas, food, giving him rides to and from work when needed. He would never miss work. No matter what kind of night he had, he still went to work.
I know he loved me, I miss his arm around me telling me it will be okay, I miss his smile, his eyebrow all tweaked when I say something silly, I miss him...
How can my boy be gone, how can I not cuss God, how am I supposed to go on, when will I stop crying, when will it stop hurting?
No more hiding, when it comes to work no more worrying if the other persons feelings will be hurt, , no more putting myself last, no more martyrdom, no more guilt for who I am.
The sun is setting, I am still on my swing, writing, listening to music until my battery dies, watching the clouds and hearing the far off sound of thunder and lightning reminding me that summer ends and then comes fall
From the Bible, Ecclesiastes III (King James Version):
3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.