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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


OCTOBER 20, 2012 4:07PM

How do I Feel Now that he is gone?

Rate: 40 Flag

 Me and Turtle 001

The husbands breathing is getting shallow and the hospital have upped his pain meds, I know this because I called our daughter at the hospital and she told me.

I have not been in since Monday, I think it was Monday, and the husband was in fear that his bones, others body parts were being stolen, like mom fearful at the end until "help" comes to sit with them, comfort them as happened with mom, with Joey, with Toddy.

I hope he see's someone soon, someone from his past, maybe his grandma, who helped raise him, he hiding behind her skirts for safety. I don't want him to be alone when he dies, I don't want him to be afraid. He has done the best he could with how he was raised and he does love his children. He is incapable of loving a wife but I won't hold that against him, I have gotten so much more from his children than I would have living alone and that in itself is a gift.

family 4 

A lady I work with keeps telling me to be prepared that I will feel bad when he dies and I keep reassuring her I am okay, I will be okay, yet sometimes I wonder if I really will...

It has been 17 years, not all bad, for a while he did try, I know he did, but to drink, to have a reason to drink he had to hate life and every happy thing in it and he needed those around him to know how he suffered and that is why he had to drink. Will I miss that, no I guess not, I like that my home is silent, that the negative energy seemed to turn into blow flies and when I opened my bathroom window they would fly out one, by one, by one, with each fly the house lightening up. With each fly I could breathe deeper...

How will I feel when the phone rings or when I go to sit with him I guess only time will tell, I really don't know. I have not leaned on him in years, haven't expected him to save us from any given situation in as long. I just keep finding my way somehow around, though, whatever it takes to get there, somehow it happens.

When I think of him dying my throat clutches, but I wonder if that is because of all the death of late. I do not want to remember everything I have gone through yet I will have to be the one in charge, the one who makes the arrangements, the one who tries to get the Navy son home again, the one who has to set up some sort of remembering day. I don’t look forward to that, with my son I was surrounded by friends, people I had known for over 30 years, but this, if we do it, will be different, it will be a mix of drunks and family and I don’t think we need that right now.

I don’t know I guess one day, one foot, and what shall be shall be…

I just called the hospital and it is his time, his sister is with him and he was coherent enough last night to comfort our daughter, to tell her he loved her, I am too late to hear those words, maybe on purpose as it would make the pain worse.

I sit here crying, needing to shower and drive to town but finding I need to write first, to know when I get home tonight I will find comfort here from people who understand, people who see even though he was a drunk I have been with him 17 years, we slept together for 10 of those years and sometimes we laughed.

I guess I will miss what could have been, I guess I really will be alone now, even though I really already was, I guess I will miss the man anyway….damn-it to hell why didn’t he quit!

I am so very, very, very tired of death and burial plans, and it brings back images I had just worked through, even hearing me singing along with my iPod once in a while.

On the 13th of November it has been one year since Joey died I thought I could handle this, and I will, but it sure does hurt more than I thought it would…

I got to the hospital at 3 and he passed at 3:30, he waited for me to say good bye....

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Part of life, the whole of it, another path taken. Your path still goes forward in wonder and discovery. Thank you for stopping to write.
Ach, LL2. It's a huge slice of your life that's slipping away, with all that entails. Be aware that people are thinking of you....
Hang in there, Lady. You're doing fine.
Terri. you're been at this journey a long time...not just him dying....but also a journey of a very personal nature. I know you just well enough to know that will hurt. You are just too kind hearted.
Please be sure that you are doing what you need to in order to be able to feel ike you did what you could, and have no regrets......not so much for him....but for you.
I think you will miss him. Not all of it. But there is something about having another person in the house that gives a person some comfort. I wish you the best in your life as you shed layers. Your writing is wonderful. Thank you.
You know I know. You will be fine alone. You will blossom. There is a sadness to any life passing and we all must go. I wonder now when and how I will go. I hope it will all be ok. Much love to you and thank you soooooooo much for writing. Write it out. Write the pain out.
The finality of death, no matter who it is, is upsetting to most people. Feel what you feel. Let yourself be. His suffering will soon be over, as will yours.

Feel and write what you need to, those who know you will understand. Your children will be the diamonds to shine for you and their children. There is much joy to be had in what you and he made. Sorrow is here for many reasons now, but just know it will pass when it should and only you will control that. Best to you.
Much love to you ... now ...
I'm glad he had that loving moment with his daughter. I'm sorry for all the grief you have had, but I am happy for you now, too, as the waiting is over. Take comfort in your family and friends and know that so many people will be holding you in their hearts.
Peace to you.
Maybe this will be like shedding a layer of skin. Painful in the moment, but allowing for growth and change that was not possible yesterday. Try to get some sleep. It will make a difference.
Such a person requires grieving over, even if he mistreated you and your kids. HE was alive, now gone, and it may take a while for the adjustment to all these changes to occur.
You are a lovely, lovely lady, LL2. You deserve to enjoy life while it is still here to be savored.
Peace with Blessings, brave lady
Dear Terri, he has been liberated from the sadness he could not shake and so have you. All that has happened no longer matters. Whatever you feel, honor your heart and look up. Big hug to you.
I hope that being able to say good-bye helps you.You guys had a lot of history and it's time to look forward. Take care, and take some time to sit and smell nature while you're taking care of everyone else.
Oh, Terri! It's not surprising that your feelings are such a jumble of intensity. Know that you did the right things to the best of your ability in every moment. I will continue praying for you and your family and wish you so much peace...
Oh my goodness.
So sorry you've had so much on your plate this past year ~ so sorry to read of your husband's passing. I'm glad he waited for you to say goodbye.
Best to you, life is hard, so very hard at times. All we can do is take the next step in a long line of steps.....I wish you well, I wish you happiness soon.
Thank you all for offering comfort, I am alone and spacy as hell but home. Your words offer me comfort when I can't quite see the light and I thank you each and every one for your kindness.....
You are not alone. You have lots of good spirit around you and you have us here at OS. I am so proud of you for the dignity you give life and death. You are amazing!
I want to join in this community, yes, community of love and strength for you LL2, Terri, you are amongst friends always here. Do what you need, write what you want and as Cindy P saya and other, your children are the diamonds you and he created that can never be dulled or sullied by any deed. Holding my hand out tonight, hoping you feel the love here.
I want to join in this community, yes, community of love and strength for you LL2, Terri, you are amongst friends always here. Do what you need, write what you want and as Cindy P saya and other, your children are the diamonds you and he created that can never be dulled or sullied by any deed. Holding my hand out tonight, hoping you feel the love here.
Sorry for the repeat, as usual Os on the weekend keeps booting me off.
Please delete.
My amazing 12-year-old, Grace, told me a quote just this afternoon:

"People don't cry because they are weak, they cry because they've been strong for too long."

Isn't that you. (Statement, not question.)
I have followed your story for sometime now and hope that you can find some well-deserved peace as you begin a new chapter in your life.
So many of us have followed your journey here for a long while. I wish you peace, LL, and hope your family begins the path to healing and wholeness very soon. It is time for you now. (hugs)
Many will call me silly, but I still believe God has a plan for everyone on earth. I hope the best for you and your family.
just wanted you to know I am here, reading, caring, and sending loving thoughts...may the healing begin.
It's not surprising that you find this emotionally complex. Because it has always been more than just two people -- it's the children, family, &c. I have confidence that you will know what to do and say as needed. No one can really know in advance.
Not alone, Terri. Not alone. You haveyou children, you have yoir sister, you have your other friends, and you know that you'll always have this motley assortment of people who love you, admire you, and cherish you--one of the truly lovely people it has ever been our good fortune to know. Explore your feelings , hash through your thoughts, do the tasks that need to be done (for that is what you always do), but remember that if you need help keeping those damn blowflies from gettinh back into the house, we're here to keep the windows closed. Bloess you.
That was a lovely tribute, and even though (as you know) I have been waiting for this for you, I teared up at your last line and I am a little sad for him right now too. Certainly sad for you and your loss which is not just about losing the man. Sorry that you have to go through all of this again and the painful memories it will bring, but even you know you can do it this time.

When it is all done and life returns to normal, you will be a free woman Terri. I am very pleased about that XO
Interesting photo up top.
Best regards.
I'm sorry for all you've been through. My thoughts are with you and your family in the coming days.
i'm glad that your husband's long illness has ended. i hope you find a path to happiness now that he's no longer in your life, terri.
"I guess I will miss what could have been... he passed at 3:30, he waited for me to say good bye... " That pretty much says it all, and now you have your own life to live... be well and find joy.
You gave him so much, far more than most would have. And now his suffering is over - because, as much as he made you suffer, he probably was, too, on some level.

I think it's harder to be alone with someone else there and that it will be easier now. I wish you less need for all your strength.
I came here as soon as I could force myself out of bed, cat snuggled up with me under the covers. I woke and and slept and woke, cried and thought and remembered all night.
The picture on top was our first year together when we took the kids to the county fair, it is one of our only real pictures together. I thought for a while we might make it but life and the bottle would not let that happen.
I'm glad he did not die at home and he was with family, he earned that in life and I hope he is safe in his Grandma's arm now after I am sure a good throttling by my mom and sons.
Thank you all for your kindness, friendship and love I would not be who I am, at this point,without you. Love to you all...
the good news is all this death is over with for awhile.
you should start a f-ing 'how to deal with death ' site, lady.
calming fears of those left behind, it seems he did,as a last

the boatman takin him over the river now.
it is finally outta yer hands.

too much death.

"the husband was in fear that his bones, others body parts were being stolen"

aint it kinda...comical?

sorry to be inappropriate, but i too been a lingerer
at the door of death
and damn,
it is so...uncanny..
Thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Wow, LL. there is so much for you to think and feel and sort. Best thoughts with you, and I hope you have the support you need around you.
The feelings will come. Please write about them here. You're in our thoughts, Terri. xox
Terri, we are here, and we are thinking of you.
**huge hug** In my prayers as always!!