I sit here in my front room and as I look around I realize none of it is mine anymore, I realize I am afraid to touch anything, to move the memories in my head around. I keep fighting back panic attacks, small squirrely feelings of panic that start in my chest and I grab them and push them back down. Remembering another time I fought these demons off.
I am alone, I have never been alone in my life, is it better to live a hard life than to be alone, right now in this state I would say yes, I want Randy back, I want to hear his laugh again, even though I haven't heard it in years, for years he has been ugly and angry and more bitter with each passing day...
Why then do I miss him so much right now? I didn't miss him while at the hospital, but now all of a sudden I wish he would walk through the door and give me a hug and tell me everything will work out.
Is it I have no one to blame now if my house is dirty, if I don't want to go somewhere, has he been my crutch for way to long and now I have no idea, no idea at all who I am.
We had good times, I remember them when I look at pictures my sister posts on Facebook, I remember thinking oh look how good he is, we are going to be fine. Maybe I need to go back and read some of my other posts, maybe I need to up my meds, maybe I just need to catch a break.
Why am I feeling like this?
Who am I?
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Grannypower
Kerry Lauerman
Steven Rockford
six foot skinny
Spencer Thripworth III
Natsuki Kimura
Salon.com
Comments
Of Autonomy…
“ I realize none of it is mine anymore, I realize I am afraid to touch anything, to move the memories in my head around. “
Oh how Sister L. faced this when her husband died. It was HIS HOUSE. Slowly she made slight (and slight of hand,h a!) changes..and now, two years later she is perhaps the happiest 60 something in the world, off IN THE WORLD
Where her husband never dared let her venture..
With a new man!
A nd a new doggy. Georgie Doggie. A thief and beggar, but a good kid.
~
I am alone, I have never been alone in my life
~
The starkest nightmare any human can face.
~
And ay it It just sleep and rest and dreams and a lot of sleep and
Instructive dreamwork to come…
This will heal ya up.
And then oops oh ho you will be FREE for the first time in yr life?
~
I dare anyone to tell me what is more horrifying than complete freedom.
~
An awesome resource.
Time to rest, now.
But know your essence, or soul, or whaaaatever, will rise again.
We shall be reading!
Do it partly for us………………….?.........................
You're still their mom, able to share the confusion with them, about what the hell happens when an alien agent takes the love from the one we love.
Wasn't it you on the beach that time, with the kids ~ the time you were afraid to drive but somehow got you all there ?
There was a video, and you sang ... wasn't that you ?
A grandchild ran up the sand and into your arms ... I could have sworn that was you :-)
"such a nice lady. why is she so sad?"
"oh just death, georgie"
"Hmpf. i ate a dead weasel the other day."
I got mad. "you did NOT!"
g SAYS, 'yessir twas when yr back turned. lighting a cig."
"ay. how did it taste?"
"i dunno . i ate it quicky wicky. "
"hm. bad dog!"
"yeah whatever, uncle. ha. lets go for a walk?"
"i..dunno..maybe."
Kim, it was me, yes I know you know that, but that lady having so much fun seems to have lived a thousand years ago. I hope to meet her again very soon and listen to her laugh freely once again...
Just don't stop singing. They tell me singing is some kind of cure ... what do I know ?
I just love the sound of your voice.
Gospel or the Blues, now might be a good time to belt it out there ...
You are a good person conflicted by your feelings. You are too good to simply dwell on the bad you have had for so long, and it is natural for you...ESPECIALLY you,...to remember to good.
You've faced death all to often as of late.
But you have always found the strength you need in live. You have always managed to pull yourself up. Often you don't want to do it...to face it, but ALWAYS you find a way.
You will find a way yet again, and when this is over, and you look around you, you'll have a life again.
It could be scary now as you think about it, but it could also be some of the best years of your life.
You deserve to live and find joy Terri.
I pray that as you move through this, there is hope like you've never felt in your future, my friend.
love here. take care.
if not now, then in a while, song will come to you again ... for when one herself is love ... the sound of her voice ... will find its way ... and how the world ... will smile ...
Eventually you will let it go. You have such a journey ahead, and please don't be afraid. You have so many friends here, and I'll bet anything your sister would come stay with you if you asked, for a few days. Eventually you will carry the physical stuff out the door, too, and redecorate your house for the new you. Now, give yourself a hug and try to get some rest. Take care.
Your Friend,
Kim
P.S. Pm me anytime you want. I'm here.
Of course, the real answer lies in asking the question, not answering it.
Sing your lovely Soul for all to hear--or only for God and the Angels who walk with you.
You, lovely you......your strength, warmth and loving ways have graced us all here on Open Salon.
Peace, dearie.
R
Try not to worry about being alone. If you have truly never lived alone, this is a great time to try it out ;-)
I remember the first time I realized that I was about to travel somewhere and there was not a single person in the world that I needed to tell. Mom was gone, and I'd left the bad man. Other than work, I could just go without a single phone call or permission or discussion. It was very strange and it took some getting used to, but after a while it was just exhilarating!
I am glad you are taking next week off. What will you plan to do?
Hold onto what everyone here can plainly see: you are having understandable reactions to tragedy, you are an amazing and powerful woman, and you will get through this.
He didn't die - or leave - alone, and now he's alright.
You'll be alright too Terri. You will.
Rated for out of the tunnel now, the sun is blinding bright.
Sometimes conflicted grief is the hardest, where we're unsure what we should think or feel, where others knew your life was hell sometimes, where you complained about him. That doesn't change who he once was, or your memories of him, or your hopes that he might have been different.
Feel what you need to feel, Terri. Take the time you need. We've got your back.
You are a Woman, someone capable of giving an endless store of love but who needs some in return every once in a while and who grieves because the hope that the nightmare could end and loving words, loving touch could return into her life from the man she loved is no longer possible.
You are a Human, who cannot forget the laughter and the songs but who also cannot ignore the meanspiritedness and bitterness, a tower of strength for others but vulnerable too.
You are also right now in the whirlpool of grief and loss and some relief and uncertainty, which is not a measure of who you are or what you are but simply where you are. And it's going to take a long time for that whirlpool to settle, but it will, because where is always temporary. And You are eternal.
Don't deny your pain. Drown in it, dig into it, let it take you over. Then start climbing out.
Learn to be alone, if only for awhile. Get to know yourself, take care of yourself, make anyone who comes around you take care of you, too. Learn to love and enjoy your self. Not yourself. Your self.
You will survive and you will thrive. Because whoever you are, she is strong and good and has a deep core of happiness.