I sit here in my front room and as I look around I realize none of it is mine anymore, I realize I am afraid to touch anything, to move the memories in my head around. I keep fighting back panic attacks, small squirrely feelings of panic that start in my chest and I grab them and push them back down. Remembering another time I fought these demons off.
I am alone, I have never been alone in my life, is it better to live a hard life than to be alone, right now in this state I would say yes, I want Randy back, I want to hear his laugh again, even though I haven't heard it in years, for years he has been ugly and angry and more bitter with each passing day...
Why then do I miss him so much right now? I didn't miss him while at the hospital, but now all of a sudden I wish he would walk through the door and give me a hug and tell me everything will work out.
Is it I have no one to blame now if my house is dirty, if I don't want to go somewhere, has he been my crutch for way to long and now I have no idea, no idea at all who I am.
We had good times, I remember them when I look at pictures my sister posts on Facebook, I remember thinking oh look how good he is, we are going to be fine. Maybe I need to go back and read some of my other posts, maybe I need to up my meds, maybe I just need to catch a break.
Why am I feeling like this?
Who am I?