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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 27, 2012 8:30PM

Dear Husband

Rate: 30 Flag

Damn I miss you, not the you who was now, but the you who could have been if he had trusted and taken my hand. The you that could play beautiful music and sing, the you who could fix anything that was broken, who came in to my home and cleaned it and built me a wash room.

That man, the one who loved his children was worth saving...

Why you continued to drink after being told to stop now or die boggles my mind, why didn't you listen? I know your life was hard as a child, I know the horrible things that happened to you and how you could trust no one anymore, how you drank to keep your pain locked away, your emotions neutral, unable or maybe unwilling to trust in love again.

I knew all this yet still I loved you...

 I forgive you, I forgive you the name calling, I forgive you the mental abuse, I even forgive you how you sometimes treated your children. As you were taught so did you teach...?

You showed how much you loved your children in the end; you acknowledged to your sister how mean you had been to me and how you wished you had known how to fix it. You reached for your daughter’s hand one last time before falling into a deep sleep and you stroked her hand to offer her comfort.

That you waited for me, to leave this place, says a lot, your sister swears it was to hear my laugh one last time.

All this is why I cried for you when you died, why I stood by your side as your heart stopped, why I kissed your cold restful face before I left.

I forgive you for everything, go now and rest in peace...

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Forgiveness can be one of the most difficult acts. You have my admiration and my deepest sympathy, Terri.
LL2 - this is so wonderful, so positive, you are like a ship that has finally righted itself after a storm.
My computer is giving me fits ( or is it OS) and I did not know this had posted.
I thought to set him free, for me, for him and for our children; I hope I have succeeded...
What a sweet and tender blessing you've written. May your husband rest in peace , and may you find renewal.
Oh, my friend, you have one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen.
What a truly loving presence you must be for your family at this time.
Peace to you, dearie
Excellent! Forgiveness and love go hand in hand. Hopefully he is at peace now.
Every person deserves this one last wish Terri. Beautiful last wish.
You saw the best and the worst in him and it's to your great credit that you're able to elevate the goodness without glossing over the bad parts. So very poignant.
Beautiful: the words, and YOU!
"I miss you, not the you who was now, but the you who could have been if he had trusted and taken my hand. .."

Drink destroyed two of the best people i have known:
my dear parents.
In the end I forgave them.
The book of their Life is written.
We gotta read between the lines, alas, to see
how these books coulda been masterpieces...
Beautifully said. I also thought your new biography here is great--it shows promise. And nilesite's comment is perfect.
Great post, great sentiments... here's hoping now you can find some peace in your life.
By this act of forgiveness, Terri, it is you who has been set free. I hope your husband's passing was peaceful for him and may he now, finally, rest in peace.

Thank you all for reading, for helping me to believe this is the right thing to do, the right way to let my husband go. I felt to set him free, set us free and I believe today I feel better for having done so. I think I may read this out loud at his remembering day...
It's good to know that you have reached this place. May you find ever-more peace and healing!
Oh my. It's hard, even when it's been hard. You know why. Anytime you wonder or question it, re-read the wisdom of your posts. And when you need comfort (and we all do) read the love that shines in the comments.

peace and warm thoughts...
... and peace be with you, also.
Dear, dear Terri....
Forgiveness frees you too.
He is finally at peace . . . may you now be so as well.
You are loved and you are deeply respected. Lovely last words to a man who, for better and worst, was very important to you. I feel you letting go, and I feel the free-ness about to descend upon you too, in these beautifully written words.
[r] alcoholism is a disease -- a "dis-ease" that can destroy not only one human life but ripples suffering to all those around the alcoholic. They say alcoholism and drug abuse are forms of self-medication. Tragic methods of self-medication.

I regret that alcoholism and co-addiction both came at me from others in my life and pushed me to be unhealthily codependent.

There was wisdom from the serenity prayer and fighting to stay conscious of reality, in terms of when to apply courage and when to let go when a struggle was beyond my poor powers and was altering my capacity for serenity dangerously and self-defeatingly as much as someone struggling directly with alcoholism and drug addiction.

take care of your precious self.

sharing with you gave me a serious revelation. Thanks.

best, libby
Terri, you have the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever known. This is beautiful, and makes me cry for a man I've never met. Go in peace, my friend, and may you find some.
I can't top James M. Emmerling's comments and the sentiment behind them. Forgiveness (someone/thing I need to reacquaint myself with) is a salve, when applied, can heal over the deepest wounds. Reading between the lines is an art, regularly needed.

I am sorry to be so long in being patient enough to let OS open to you. I do hope you read this or will read this at the memorial!
So tender and healing. You are a big person with a big heart.
You found forgiveness early on and the peace it can give you. I hope you may move on without the weight of this on your soul.
I have just now gotten back in to OS and find I have a cover piece...well I'll be damned! Thanks much all for your comments.
This gave me chills- what an astonishing act of compassion from you to him, and felt by all of us. Wonderful.
This is so touching. Thank you for sharing those wonderful words.
Lovely, so sorry for your loss. You are a strong, capable woman. Peace.
This is so raw and moving. You are beautiful. Peace.
I love your words, it's so touching.
He was lucky to have you, Terri. Hope this does not embitter you against helping others.
This is beautiful. Thank you so much.
I am glad that you are both free now. My best wishes to you.