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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


DECEMBER 18, 2012 5:30PM

No I guess I am not Okay

Rate: 6 Flag

I wear a facade, a face that never changes, always smiling, always painted on, and forever wearing the mask of yes I’m okay…

I try hard to convince myself and others that everything is fine, I am fine, life is fine, the world is fine, but it isn't and I know deep down I am faking it, but it's safe I thought to wear this mask, this veil that prevents others from seeing my pain, from seeing how much I really hurt, how hard it is to keep going every morning.

I fell at work the other day, on automatic pilot, moving boxes I tripped and hit the inside edge of the metal door to the kitchen I had propped open breaking a rib, realizing that I could not bend or lift anymore I had to call the company nurse, go to the worker comps Dr and was put on light duty, 5 lbs. or less on lifting, no reaching all a joke really but I have tried, working last Tuesday and Wednesday and this Monday - Wednesday until I could work no more and took time off.

I am not one to ask for help, I am one who just does and gets it done alone when needed which is quite often. My staff, my girls, have been wonderful and I am learning to ask while also learning they care and want to be led, want to learn more, want me to have a voice, to teach and I feel I will continue doing so, I hope, at least, I do continue to do so.

But I have also discovered just how alone I have been for a long time, the husband who was broken never much help, the son still at home helping when asked but really at 20 years old do I still need to ask? Shouldn't he before leaving to go hang with friends ask what I need for him to do? I had to stay on top of him yesterday to get my new bed put together he kept trying to take shortcuts but with my help we got it done and it is wonderful and I thought I would be more excited to have my first ever new bed but it is just a bed, an object and it does not replace love.

I miss my son, I miss Joey who would have come to help and we would have laughed and teased each other and it would have been fun, not a chore that needed done but a fun thing for mother and son to accomplish together. I miss his laugh, his teasing, his voice, his love....

I miss him and all though I hide it well I will never ever again be that same woman I was while he was alive.

I make stupid mistakes and I talk to myself like all the bad things that happen to me must be because I deserve them to happen, that I have somewhere in time done a deed that calls for me to continue to be punished…but then I talk to myself and think maybe it isn’t about me at all but about those around me and I have no control, nothing to do with all this except for the fact that in life shit happens to everyone, not only me but everyone.

I am trying to sort through things, trying to write again, trying to deal with the unending pain of a broken rib and being alone in the world, trying hard to not let fear or apathy take over and change who I was, who I am, who I hope I still can be.

It is almost like I need to reinvent me, the woman who has married to two men who mentally abused her, who let her know how worthless she was, even when she knew better. I need to be gentle with her and lead her back to the world, in all its beauty and the ugliness too, telling her all the while she will be okay again, she will laugh again, she will always cry for her boys, but she will really laugh again someday even if she spends the rest of her life alone.

I don’t know that I will leave this up, I feel naked now when I write, maybe because I haven’t written in so long, maybe because I just don’t know who I am anymore, maybe because I think people will find me whiney and stupid.

I have a long road ahead of me I think ….

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Never whiney, never stupid, LL2.
You'll make it down that road, though. I am sure of it. I'm so sorry about your losing your son.
I was looking out for you and I'm glad to see you are here now. You're safe with us, LL2.
I'm with Boanerges, Terri. Never whiney, never stupid. I'd say incredibly strong and resilient, and a very wounded woman. You deserve a good life. It's way past time you got it and that's what I'm praying for you.
I have breast cancer. It was a total surprise, no history. I have had surgery, taken chemo and radiation all in about 10 months. My husband convinced me to go to counseling and filling out forms there I realized that for the rest of my life, I will be listing cancer in my medical history. I have cancer. You have lost a son. In my 34 years as a nurse, I have never seen more overwhelming grief than that from the loss of a child. I will keep you in mind as you go through this tough season, and so will many others.
Your not whiney, nor stupid, I applaud you for at least trying to write when you feel so lost. Hugs my friend, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
Dear lunchlady2,
Thank you for your strong and true words of courage. You are not alone in all those feelings. I can currently relate to what you are saying and I know that some days all I can say is it's's just hard. You have gratitude and clarity and love on your side. You'll get to that better place, little by little. It's plain to see that you're already on your way. Hang in there and thanks for your writing.
I bruised or cracked two ribs 10 days ago and had bronchitis at the time, and it was killing me to cough. You are neither whiny nor stupid, but a lonely woman trying to find a new place in this world. Keep looking, it will find you or you will find it, I promise.
I'm sorry it took me so long to see this. I haven't been able to access OS for weeks and finally, due to frustration, I started a blog on Our Salon. For some reason I decided to try "one more time" this evening and finally managed to get back on OS. Anyway...You are strong, smart and brave but...that doesn't mean you're obligated to act strong, smart and brave all the time! You've got some really deep wounds and this time of year can be hell even for people with much more superficial ones. Try to be kind and patient with yourself. And, even when you think you shouldn't have to ask for help, keep asking for it. That's better than not getting any!
Oh my goodness a Christmas miracle! I wanted so badly to thank everyone for such love and support but could not get back in to do so. As I sit here alone on the rainy dreary afternoon, last presents wrapped I thought to try one last time. I will never give up on this place or all of you as I consider you my friends and this place where my family lives but if I need to I will at least get to see you all over at our salon!
Your words are what keep me going, keep the light lit over my tired poor brain and I thank you...
LL, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. You are finding your way in the dark, and you've had twists and turns in your road that most of us could never dream of. You're doing the best you can, grieving and figuring out who you are and where you're going. All my best to you. Hang in there. You are valuable, kind, and strong. Be kind to that woman who is finding her way.
Glad you left this up. You do have a long road ahead of you; I've walked a similar path and it can be slow going but sometimes the scenery is worth the trek. And yes you do need to reinvent yourself; I'm trying to do the same thing myself. Nothing worthwhile is easy.