PEACE

to all who enter here

Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...

MY RECENT POSTS

DECEMBER 28, 2012 10:14PM

Lost in Thought

Rate: 6 Flag

I have been trying to write for weeks now but can't seem to settle on anything long enough to write about it. My world has turned right side up and I am dangling by my feet...

I am an enabler, have been most of my life, growing into the realization with age, with the second failed marriage, with life and death surrounding me. I hate confrontation, I will do damn near anything not to fight, probably why I gave up drinking, even though I had no problem, as it made me fight back and that never ended well, for me or my children.

The husband is dead now, gone on to whatever comes next, although strangely (or maybe not) he enters my dreams to fight with me, each and every dream ending with me waking with the thought that I don't have to argue or fight any more for he is dead. I am not sure how to stop them...

I have purchased a couch and have a chair on the way, I am slowly reclaiming my home, which is much harder than I thought it would be, but ever so slowly I clean a corner out and reclaim it with my stuff, stuff I have had stored everywhere as neither husband shared space so as I collected, they collected more and bigger things which left mine put away. It feels rather strange to be in my home, doing my own thing, and making my own way with no one telling me what I can or cannot do.

My thoughts are all jumbled up, my daughter and only granddaughter will be moving away again, my 20 year old possibly going with them and then I will be all alone.

I don’t know where to start to rebuild my life; I don’t really know how to start to rebuild my life….

I do know this time is different, my first marriages end I went crazy sleeping with anyone who would have me, love me, even if only for a night. This time I am not so scared, not like a frightened child, more a grown woman, with a small child inside who only wants to finally find some happiness, knowing she must find it for herself first, learn to just let life happen, trust that her choices this time around will be for her own growth and happiness.

I hope, with time, to right myself, find my way and remember how to interact with people, with friends and most especially to finally, once more, find my smile…

 

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Comments

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I don't like my birthday, but for some reason I always do like the New Year, when we all, collectively, get to claim a new little chance to live our lives in the best way that we can. From your blogs here it seems like you're a person who gives the best part of herself to others...I hope that 2013 is a year when you see some of that love come back to yourself and flow through your bloodstream. Maybe it's a year for gardens or for volunteering in preemie wards...or whatever connects you to the world and your own heart.

I'm packing up my things and sorting and getting rid of things too today. You know it's serious because I'm even giving away stacks of books....to an organization that raises money to help troubled, runaway teens, so I don't have to feel bad about no longer having the storage space for them. I'm also trying to claim the best part of myself, which isn't always easy. To 2013....to self love and to community warmth.
You are going to figure this out. You know exactly where you want to go. This journey will be amazing and we'll cheer every step you take.
Maybe think of every day that goes by as distance covered: 24 hours = 24 miles. You're on a one-way journey, away from the negative things in your past. You're moving into exciting new territory; when you sit on that new couch pretend it's a seat on a speeding train.
Hi Terri - I just love the way you write.

I think everything is going to be OK, and even better. In fact, I am sure of it. It will be extra sad if your family moves away, but you do not have to be "all alone". You have friends and other family and us. And you are going to have new friends eventually, when you are all rested up and a bit further up the road on this newest (and most exciting!) journey. In the meantime, take it all at its own pace and never judge yourself for ANY feelings and emotions you have. I do think you should start looking for a gentle support group you can attend - a domestic violence aftermath type of group would probably be good for you. Or, I hear great things about Al-Anon, even after the alcoholic is out of your life.

For now, try to rest and relax and the "strangeness will slowly morph into delight at the sheer freedom of it, I promise!
Thank you each and everyone for your comments...I am so surprised to finally get in here!
I appreciate every word, every thought, every shared moment...
We're both in the same boat, which way do we go! ~huge hug~