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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


JANUARY 4, 2013 7:44PM

Going on Without Joey

Rate: 11 Flag

 Joey 1

It hits me every once in a while, truthfully a lot, that my son, my first born is dead, even writing the word makes me cry still. His birthday will have been this coming 15th and he would have been turning 41, but he is and will always be in my mind 39 the age he was when he passed away.

Sometimes it swirls around me like ocean waves and I feel like I'm drowning and other times it's like a gentle brook washing gently around me as I remember our life together.

Parents are not supposed to outlive their children and now I have outlived two of my son's loosing Toddy at the age of 1 year to cancer and then my Joey...sometimes I feel it is too much to bear, that I just don't want to keep going. Why bother, we all die, time is going so fast nothing really matters anyway, but then I look in my granddaughters eyes and I see love and hope and even though I turn 60 this year I see a chance to have great grandchildren, I know I have 4 living children that need me and I want to see how their lives play out too.

I know my son wasn't perfect, I don't have illusions of him always doing what was right, but I know he tried his hardest every day and I know he loved me and I know I miss him so much sometimes it hurts to breathe.

Joey loved me and I loved him and now that the alcoholic husband has passed and I finally have time, peace to grieve maybe I can work through the feelings and accept that I will always miss Joey, I will always remember Joey, I will always love Joey...

Sometimes I worry I use Joey’s death as an excuse not to move forward, but then I feel the pain that only loss brings and I do my best to be accepting that death takes time to heal from, to find yourself again after and that with your child’s death you just may never ever be the same.

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life, death, loss, sorrow, children, love

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Yeah,we keep living for those left who love us!! ~hug~
Grief is the memory of happiness they. Of course you will always miss Joey, and love him and wish he were still by your side. But some day you'll be able to think of him and a smile will run over your lips. And I know Joey will be proud of how far you will have come. Ne gentle with yourself. ((((Hugs))))
You can't rush this. The death of your child no matter how old is the hardest loss to bear and you've had more than your share of sorrow. Give yourself as much time as you need. And don't feel bad about it.
Terri's mother died yesterday and a truck just brought some flowers and I then realized how final death is. (LL,I haven't been around for awhile, I didn't know the husband died. How is life without that chain around you neck?)
Just wanted you to know I was here, reading. I can't add anything to the wisdom others have shared and what you already know. Love and hugs for you.
I have read this and thought how true your feelings are. The loss of a child is so difficult and it is good to mourn, take as long as you need. Some need almost a lifetime. Since I have been reading your writing, I have always been impressed with you ability to bare your feelings to the reader. Like so many others I felt like I was on a journey with you in your experiences with your late husband. Now that you have some peace on that, I hope you will be able to fully mourn the loss of your son. If I could send you a bouquet of light, imagine it right there with you as you read this. Peace.
Hugs to you. I am so sorry for your losses.
It still doesn't seem real to me. Now whenever I go out to "visit" Joe (& Mom) I take a cup of coffee & sit for awhile & talk to them both. I was bizarrely happy when I discovered a local musician buried nearby, & now I imagine a band of spirits playing music, Mom wandering the trail, Joey asking the musicians to kick it up a little bit. I don't know, I guess we each have to find what works for us as "grief therapy." For me, poetry heals. I know for others it's music or gardening or work or flying kites or sitting next to a river. I agree, there's also that hard acceptance that life will never be the same. Listen to the cats purr, go outside, be good to yourself. I love you!
I don't know what to say, other than your strength and your articulation of impossible loss are touchstones for all. This week especially, your painfully honest wisdom has helped me support my devastated friends and cope with my own grief.

It's never enough, but you know you have the love and support of others, including me.
You've been through much. Use it to continue to write and reach. People need this. Chin up. Keep the faith. Best to you.
You've been through much. Use it to continue to write and reach. People need this. Chin up. Keep the faith. Best to you.
You've been through much. Use it to continue to write and reach. People need this. Chin up. Keep the faith. Best to you.
Thank you all I appreciate finding my way back here to my "family" a safe place to write and scream and weep when needed. Also a great place to find my way once again...
Ever since Joey died, I have associated his death with that of my nephew, who died at the age of 37. It's one of the most unbelievable things that's ever happened in my family--unbelievable as in unfathomable. It was six years ago this month, and there are days when it doesn't seem real, and other days when it seems too real. His death doesn't make sense to me, and I doubt it ever will. He was a nephew, not a son; I can't imagine how much more painful your loss is for you than mine is for me. Sending you hugs through the ether, LL2.
Just to let you know I'm reading. So sorry for your loss. Sounds like there were a lot of great things about him and you were really connected to him. What a good mother you must be.
Wonderful tribute. I don't think you need to worry about moving forward. You were in the right place all along.
the written word can provide a catharsis
You write so beautifully of what I would find unthinkable. Take the time you need. There is no schedule, no time limit, grief takes what it takes. You are in my heart.