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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...

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JANUARY 9, 2013 5:51PM

How do I Really Feel?

Rate: 19 Flag

 Just me 001

It is no secret the last few years of my marriage have been trying, I wrote enough about it and in writing about how hard it was I somehow made it through to the other side.

Now that the husband is gone I want to try to put in words how I feel, how I really feel about it.

The husband, after the broken hip, became much worse, more hateful and nothing anyone could do was ever going to be enough, he was in pain, he couldn't ever work again and he found peace, inner peace, in a bottle and the blame he placed on his family for how his life turned out, never accepting the blame was his own.

My sister sent me here where I found friendship and support and a way to deal, as best I could, with this sour, sullen drunk I called the husband. I found Al-Anon and detachment all helping me to get through those tough days and nights of life.

Now that he is gone how DO I feel?

I feel relief for one, no more morning fights, hate spewing, or burying my feelings for others. No more needing to come home from work to pick the husband up off the floor, or worrying he will bleed out in the night. No more watching his belly grow as the liver died, no more checking his bottles were always full, and a quart of beer in the fridge. It was too late to change him and I decided if this was how he chose to go out well then I may as well make him comfortable.

I don't miss, while he was in the hospital, his demeaning me in front of the nurses and Dr's watching the looks on their faces change as they realized how I was treated, no longer embarrassed by it, but sad they had to watch it.

He was in the hospital over a month before he passed so I was used to him being gone, yet even though I knew he probably was not coming home I still touched nothing in fear, if he did, he would get too mad for me too bother with it.

The last week in the hospital I quit going in, I just upset him and he had his baby sister and daughter beside him, they had the patience too sit and talk and listen, which helped him come to terms with dying. I came in at the end, mostly for our daughter but also for the man, I stood beside him, hand on his arm as he passed, sad for what could have been, kissing his forehead before leaving to make all the arrangements.

I still for the first month or so dreamed of him every night, waking with the thought it was only a dream, he has no power over me anymore, he can't yell, demean or criticize me anymore...yet he tried in those dreams to still reach me, to still hurt me. I imagine it was me working through the pain and loss in the only way I could.

He passed away Oct 20 and I still think to go ask him something or I hear a song and want to share it with him and as we cleaned the house I had memory flashes with so many things of his, of ours, together that it hurt some to continue, so sometimes I would just stop.

I still have some of his clothes in drawers, I took my wedding ring off one day when this overwhelming feeling came to me that I needed to take it off NOW, it was so strong I took it off right then and placed it in my jewelry box to stay. I have no clue what to do with it, it wasn't worth all that much, I picked it out as he didn't really have a thought, didn't care, but I wouldn't marry him without a ring so what does it really mean to me, not too much really, but I wish it did sometimes.

Do I miss him...I miss who he was when he was good, I miss someone in my life to talk to, I miss what could have been and now never will be, I don't miss the pain that went along with it.

I have a new couch and recliner in my front room instead of a day bed and it looks like a real room now. I am working on getting all new windows and fixing my bathroom and the kitchen even though since I broke the rib I have not cooked very much, but it will look lived in, at least, when I am done.

I keep thinking now Joey can come over, or Joey can help me fix this or that and then remember he is gone...I went straight from his dying to the husband starting to die and have had no time for myself to grieve, but now my house is on its way to being a home again and I have a place in my living room to sit, window shades to open and let the sun in and it is time to let the husband go and grieve for my son.

That is how I feel now, but I have found in life nothing stays the same and we need to continue too reach, too grow, too learn and I hope my next steps take me to a happiness I haven't seen in a very long time.

The first morning back to work after winter break I walked through my front room and realized just how peaceful it feels to get up and go to work without any nonsense and just how nice it is to have a room that "feels" like an actual home should feel.

I almost ( for me) feel "normal".....

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life, death, love, hate, marriage, alone, peace

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Comments

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Normal will come and your new life will blossom.
David, I am actually looking forward to where life takes me now...I just really pray it is towards happiness.
I'm so glad you're able to see promise in your future.
Writing about your feelings toward your husband and your son is a smart and healthy step in the direction you want to be going. It's not just good for you either - reading about your spiritual and emotional journey is a satisfying experience for your readers too.
So beautiful. Your writing continues to move me and challenge me to love better. Thank you.
Oh Terri, I am so glad to read this. You know I've been following your story all along. You've been through so much, you've given so much - it is so time for you right now. Sending peace, love and hugs.
You are right, nothing stays the same. I appreciate your honest sharing here. The title, How Do I Really Feel, is a good way to start an honest sharing like this, with the emphasis on "really." You have been through trauma. You are healing. But in my experience, there are always scars. But you are healing. Keep writing.
You are right, nothing stays the same. I appreciate your honest sharing here. The title, How Do I Really Feel, is a good way to start an honest sharing like this, with the emphasis on "really." You have been through trauma. You are healing. But in my experience, there are always scars. But you are healing. Keep writing.
Wishing you so much peace and happiness, Lunchlady 2. I hope you enjoy your peaceful home, and all the sunshine streaming in.
love this...love the person you are becoming...xox
There is hope, here--happy to see it.
I am delighted to read that you are actually "looking forward." Your new normal can be whatever you choose it to be now. Happy New Year, LL2!

Lezlie
You are on your way...it is a rebirth. Just let it happen. Obviously, it already is...
Keep writing, Lunchlady, keep writing and telling us (and yourself) what you find. Grieving two losses like this, as different as they are, at the same time, must be unimaginably hard. Good for you, reclaiming your home, and making it a refuge for you. When you least expect it, the spring will come again for you.
Very glad to read this. A lovely front room is nice to have, it makes for a warm and loving home.

R
Thank you all so much for your love and support! I wanted to speak to each of you but time escaped me so all I can do now is offer a giant thanks for reading...
Asking yourself how you feel sure beats telling yourself how you should feel. That's the first thing, but in reading about you I get the impression you are familiar enough with death to understand that.

The second step, which you also seem to have followed, is to realize that what you miss isn't something you had the option of having. You had it once but when it left, it left, and what replaced it is not something you miss. That is justifiable.

Smart. Your head is awfully together under the circumstances. I really respect that.
Trilogy, how you managed to turn bad news into a rhapody of life, i do not know but that is wha t I felt reading you. love!!!
I understand so much of what you say. Luckily I have moved on with life because I realize just how short it is. I know you know, and I'm so glad you have some peace...both to move past and to carry on. Hugs.
I'm sorry for your loss. Even though he was blatantly rude and disrespectful so much of the time he was still part of your world and this must be honored. It pleases me so much watching you blossom forth, returning to a life of light and freedom. It's no telling how far you'll fly!
You have loads to look forward to you. May your year be filled with light and peace and comfort.
Thank you all so much I do hope to find my footing, to blossom, but mostly I wish for peace for now...
You came to right conclusion. Nothing stays the same.
........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
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............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥ (ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★(ˆ◡ˆ) ♥⋯ ❤ ⋯ ★R