It is no secret the last few years of my marriage have been trying, I wrote enough about it and in writing about how hard it was I somehow made it through to the other side.
Now that the husband is gone I want to try to put in words how I feel, how I really feel about it.
The husband, after the broken hip, became much worse, more hateful and nothing anyone could do was ever going to be enough, he was in pain, he couldn't ever work again and he found peace, inner peace, in a bottle and the blame he placed on his family for how his life turned out, never accepting the blame was his own.
My sister sent me here where I found friendship and support and a way to deal, as best I could, with this sour, sullen drunk I called the husband. I found Al-Anon and detachment all helping me to get through those tough days and nights of life.
Now that he is gone how DO I feel?
I feel relief for one, no more morning fights, hate spewing, or burying my feelings for others. No more needing to come home from work to pick the husband up off the floor, or worrying he will bleed out in the night. No more watching his belly grow as the liver died, no more checking his bottles were always full, and a quart of beer in the fridge. It was too late to change him and I decided if this was how he chose to go out well then I may as well make him comfortable.
I don't miss, while he was in the hospital, his demeaning me in front of the nurses and Dr's watching the looks on their faces change as they realized how I was treated, no longer embarrassed by it, but sad they had to watch it.
He was in the hospital over a month before he passed so I was used to him being gone, yet even though I knew he probably was not coming home I still touched nothing in fear, if he did, he would get too mad for me too bother with it.
The last week in the hospital I quit going in, I just upset him and he had his baby sister and daughter beside him, they had the patience too sit and talk and listen, which helped him come to terms with dying. I came in at the end, mostly for our daughter but also for the man, I stood beside him, hand on his arm as he passed, sad for what could have been, kissing his forehead before leaving to make all the arrangements.
I still for the first month or so dreamed of him every night, waking with the thought it was only a dream, he has no power over me anymore, he can't yell, demean or criticize me anymore...yet he tried in those dreams to still reach me, to still hurt me. I imagine it was me working through the pain and loss in the only way I could.
He passed away Oct 20 and I still think to go ask him something or I hear a song and want to share it with him and as we cleaned the house I had memory flashes with so many things of his, of ours, together that it hurt some to continue, so sometimes I would just stop.
I still have some of his clothes in drawers, I took my wedding ring off one day when this overwhelming feeling came to me that I needed to take it off NOW, it was so strong I took it off right then and placed it in my jewelry box to stay. I have no clue what to do with it, it wasn't worth all that much, I picked it out as he didn't really have a thought, didn't care, but I wouldn't marry him without a ring so what does it really mean to me, not too much really, but I wish it did sometimes.
Do I miss him...I miss who he was when he was good, I miss someone in my life to talk to, I miss what could have been and now never will be, I don't miss the pain that went along with it.
I have a new couch and recliner in my front room instead of a day bed and it looks like a real room now. I am working on getting all new windows and fixing my bathroom and the kitchen even though since I broke the rib I have not cooked very much, but it will look lived in, at least, when I am done.
I keep thinking now Joey can come over, or Joey can help me fix this or that and then remember he is gone...I went straight from his dying to the husband starting to die and have had no time for myself to grieve, but now my house is on its way to being a home again and I have a place in my living room to sit, window shades to open and let the sun in and it is time to let the husband go and grieve for my son.
That is how I feel now, but I have found in life nothing stays the same and we need to continue too reach, too grow, too learn and I hope my next steps take me to a happiness I haven't seen in a very long time.
The first morning back to work after winter break I walked through my front room and realized just how peaceful it feels to get up and go to work without any nonsense and just how nice it is to have a room that "feels" like an actual home should feel.
I almost ( for me) feel "normal".....