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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


JANUARY 23, 2013 8:32AM

I May be in Trouble

Rate: 18 Flag

Or maybe I am "just" depressed; we all know I could deserve to be...
I can't get motivated at work,
I just want to sleep or sit in silence,
I don't want music on or even bother to sing along if I do,
I want to crawl into bed with my cats and just stay there,
All I have really done lately is eat and eat and eat some more,
Which I did not need to happen.

I can't read on either sight, not for long, not and feel anything for what I read,

I find I think about Joey a lot, all the time, every day, morning, and noon and night,

I have one of my girls upset with me at work and I just shake my head and think why would anyone get mad over such a small thing?

My youngest son wrecked my second smaller truck the other day and I still don't know if I have heard the real story, I don't know if it can be fixed and I don't know if there will be any out of pocket cost to fix the truck he ran into since I only carry basic coverage on it and now his premiums will go up and he still has no job AND it leaves me with only one vehicle and it is a 2000.

I thought that as I fixed my home I would find my way back but I haven't, I can't seem to, it feels like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am shrinking ( growing?) daily from it.

It seems like no one cares, I KNOW my children care, I KNOW my family cares, I KNOW folks here care but I am just so damn alone…
Maybe it’s just everything working against me, the broken rib and the pain that came with it, my job wanting me back able to lift again and not need the extra morning help.

I just don’t know…

I can’t seem to find my way back to the living and want to just sit with the dead and remember, but I know I can’t, I know it’s bad for me, but I don’t want to let Joey go, I don’t want to embrace the pain I will feel when I do, I don’t want to say goodbye.

Where do I go from here?

I guess that is what I must figure out to move forward, to unstick myself from this glue trap I am stuck in.

I sure am tired…

and missing my joy...or should that be missing my Joey?

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life, death, whine, cry, sad, work, tired, lonely, children

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nothing really can be said.... just know that we do care
I agree with Herr Rudolphus.....sorry that things are not going well.
Try to just love yourself today, it's so cliche, but just today don't think you should be anywhere but where you are. You haven't ever had time to yourself from what I have read here anyway, you have been through huge dramatic things, horrible things. Maybe just let yourself grieve. I know this is what helped me at times although losing your sons is a burden I cannot compare to. Peace and love T.
Thanks all, maybe I am trying to hard, maybe I just need to wake up each morning and take each day as it comes...I just feel so lost right now.
I'm so sorry, Ll. I wish you peace and healing, and eventual joy. xox
I try to read something from the Dalai Lama nearly every day. He says that all humans want is to be happy and to be free from pain. And he urges his reader to find the means to get everyone else to that place. I like that. It takes all the focus off me and puts it where it should be, on everyone else. Maybe one of the ways out for you would be to attend to your neighbors. It's better to spend time caring for the living and you might find tremendous satisfaction there.
So Sorry! Talk to Joey. He is there guiding you and doesnt want you to go down. But it may be years before you can feel joy again. Take that time and grieve. Your job seems to be important tho and funding is vital to keeping life going so make sure you go there and feed from it. A job is no fun but it is survival. My love to you always and always.
Heh. Welcome to my world, hon.

'Specially this time of year (end of Jan.) which is the when my Suzy passed on.

I been feeling what you are for a few years now. Sometimes it gets a bit better but others, like now, it does nothing but really, really, really suck.

So, though you sure got my empathy, I got nothing else for you (neither do any of the numerous shrinks I've seen about it).

I guess all we can do is just keep doing, ya know?

::hugs you cuz I know you need it::
I would suggest listening to the commenter above me. Her words seem to be spot-on.

Hope things get better or seem better soon.
Grief is such a strange thing, such a strange time to endure. So sorry for all you have lost. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Tough to read this LL. Hope things get better. Thinking of you.
You are in trouble, deep.
The only thing I know works for me is walking. Simple as that.
After a while you notice things. Things outside, outside of yourself, and you become interested, drawn away from negative thoughts. Keep walking. One foot in front of the other.
I know you work on your feet, but you move in circles there, like most of us.
Walking takes you places, and the things you see, if you pay attention, help to remind you really, it's still wonderful. Wonderful like you.

Just thought I'd trump Rita's cliche ;-)
We care. I have been sad lately too, missing all those who went before me. I look out my window and see the grey skies and that doesn't help one bit. I need the sun to shine inside and out.
All we can do is take one step at a time.. it's all we can handle
I like Kim's comment a lot. I have found since I have been walking as much as I do because of my need to take great care of my dog, I can clear my head of whatever few problems that come along. I also recommend the outward focus nilesite describes. Hang in there, Lady. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You've been through a lot. Don't be afraid to get outside help.
Quoting one of our own here, "Survival can feel like failure if you start naming those you'd literally die for." She was talking about her father who, as he looked around him, was seeing "ghosts in the empty chairs around the table, our shrinking family and his complicity" ~ Bellwether Vance

Today Ann Nichols spoke of her sense of being lost after the passing of her mother and other things, "I am lost. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, really; I think it happens to people all the time. I think that there are times when people find themselves in the middle of their daily routine and wonder whose hands are pouring the coffee and folding the pillow cases.

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

I hope you will read these two writers who speak so well of exactly what you are saying today. There are so many here who have openly grieved, and still grieve, losses of children, lovers, partners, pets, friends, livelihoods, health, and there are so many griefs we bear, they can't even be listed.

We aren't with you in body, but always are lifting you in spirit LL. I once had a friend who was a psychiatric social worker who has now passed on, but her help when I needed it got me through a terrible time in my life. Reach out to those you know who may have some training -- grief counselors at a church in your area, perhaps. You do need help, and as Ann said so well and true, it happens to all of us. Meanwhile, read with us here, write when you can, and know what you are experiencing is so, so, so normal when we are mourning the kinds of losses you have had over these past few years. A huge hug, because as SB Amy said, I know you need it. (((((HHHUUUUUGGGG))))))
I almost deleted this seems I always think I sound whiny and people will think well hell she isn't over that yet...but then I read the comments and every single time, every single time, you help me see where my head is, or a way to head that will help, or that I'm not whiny or stupid or any of those things I have been called over the last few years, I can see that I am going through a very rough time and I kept thinking I could go around it, somehow cut off parts of it, but life isn't like that and I must change to choose to live, and I do choose to live, but honestly sometimes in the dark of night it would be so, so easy to surrender to the sadness and go. But I won't, I can't I want to watch my children grow and my grandchildren grow and I must stay to make that happen.
I just miss my son so much...walks it will be and most likely counseling again to help get my feet back under me. Thank you all for still standing with me.
Hi LL2,

Your posts about your son, Joey, caught my eye when I first joined OS back a while ago. Now, I hardly ever stop by OS but when I do, I always check in on you. So, here I am today, checking in on you and finding this post, I want to say something...

...and I know I should say some sensitive thing about loss and grieving and taking all the time you need to feel all the feelings you feel. I will say it: Process your grief in any manner you see fit. It's yours and nobody can tell you how or for how long.

Still, I feel an overwhelming urge to point to the anger that lies in the grief toolbox. There! It's right there!!

Please, forgive me for projecting my feelings into the mix but I have just been soooo damned angry FOR you and your dear Joey...heartbroken and ANGRY! I want the CDCr and the state of California to be held accountable for your son's death. I'm sorry, I don't know how to word this delicately but I am of the strong opinion that you should sue all liable parties.

I realize that would not bring your Joey back. I do, realize that.

I will not rant on and on about the BUT of it all. I will point you in this direction:

Link to Class Action Lawsuit under way right now. I strongly urge you to check it out asap.
(800) 965-1461 Call for free consultation.

I'm sorry I don't know how to post link correctly. Google Valley Fever Class Action Lawsuit. You'll find it.
Just another 2 cents, I am mad too but there were other complications too BUT know that I will check out the website you sent and have thought about taking the first hospital staff to task but it won't bring my boy back...Truthfully I thank you for your anger and I think you understand I mean that in the right way...
I think the fact that you can see, feel, and articulate your depression is a good sign. No, you are not going to give up. Yes, somehow you will eventually emerge from the fog. I think you never had the time to fully grieve for Joey given what you still had to deal with at home. I don't know what will make it easier for you to go to work (the only thing you really HAVE to manage to do). If only we could gift you the time to stay home and heal physically, and just drift emotionally, or sleep, or watch soap operas all day. Have you looked into a short term disability for your rib? Get the time off, stay home, heal thyself? I have always found it easiest just to go with the flow, not fight the depression, cry until I am exhausted from it. Then go for that walk, look at nature, feel the sun. I just wish you could get away from work for a few weeks. I think that would help so much. I do hope you can start feeling better soon dear lady.
Think of a forest in winter. It isn't dead. It's dormant. It's under layers of snow, waiting for spring. There are seeds there, and the potential for life. It looks lifeless on the top. It isn't.

Give yourself time to go through the seasons you need to. Being impatient with the winter never made the spring come faster. Spring will come when it is ready. Hang on. We love you.