Or maybe I am "just" depressed; we all know I could deserve to be...
I can't get motivated at work,
I just want to sleep or sit in silence,
I don't want music on or even bother to sing along if I do,
I want to crawl into bed with my cats and just stay there,
All I have really done lately is eat and eat and eat some more,
Which I did not need to happen.
I can't read on either sight, not for long, not and feel anything for what I read,
I find I think about Joey a lot, all the time, every day, morning, and noon and night,
I have one of my girls upset with me at work and I just shake my head and think why would anyone get mad over such a small thing?
My youngest son wrecked my second smaller truck the other day and I still don't know if I have heard the real story, I don't know if it can be fixed and I don't know if there will be any out of pocket cost to fix the truck he ran into since I only carry basic coverage on it and now his premiums will go up and he still has no job AND it leaves me with only one vehicle and it is a 2000.
I thought that as I fixed my home I would find my way back but I haven't, I can't seem to, it feels like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am shrinking ( growing?) daily from it.
It seems like no one cares, I KNOW my children care, I KNOW my family cares, I KNOW folks here care but I am just so damn alone…
Maybe it’s just everything working against me, the broken rib and the pain that came with it, my job wanting me back able to lift again and not need the extra morning help.
I just don’t know…
I can’t seem to find my way back to the living and want to just sit with the dead and remember, but I know I can’t, I know it’s bad for me, but I don’t want to let Joey go, I don’t want to embrace the pain I will feel when I do, I don’t want to say goodbye.
Where do I go from here?
I guess that is what I must figure out to move forward, to unstick myself from this glue trap I am stuck in.
I sure am tired…
and missing my joy...or should that be missing my Joey?