After yesterdays post, which I had to actually force myself to send, as I read the comments and the pm’s I started to think clearer than I had in a long while.
I cried but talked to myself, to my son, and as I cried all these thoughts bombarded me, thoughts that must have been swirling around unheeded, by me, out of fear.
My first thoughts were how every man in my life has left me, has not cared; my father, two husbands, old boyfriends, but then I saw Joey didn’t leave me, he died, he didn’t desert me, leave me behind, not love me enough to stay, he simply and tragically died.
My thoughts then took me to Toddy, who also died, at a year old and even though I was all he knew the last 3 months of his life I did not have the memories I have with Joey and Toddy’s death took me 4 years to see the sunshine, 4 years of counseling, 4 years to where family said I looked alive, 4 years to find my smile again.
Why do I think I should be past this already?
Well I thought about that too and I feel it was the husband, I knew if the husband wasn’t around my world would be calmer, not necessarily through death but just not around anymore I knew life would change for the better.
I went from burying my son to watching the husband die and had myself, my emotions still tied up in how much better life will be now, how I can reclaim MY life, MY home and it is, will be, I am working on it.
But Joey is not here to enjoy it with me, to help me reclaim what once was all ours.
I think that is where I lost my footing….
I have decided to go back to The Compassionate Friends meetings the second Thursday of every month, so I’ll take a nap since they don’t end until 10pm and I get up at 4am, so what, I can do that!
I have not been walking because of the rib and I can’t take the dog with me BUT I am almost healed and we can start exploring our surroundings together.
Lastly but most importantly I am going to grieve, for how ever long it takes, as many tears as may flow, until my heart says it will be okay ….I will not worry about what others may think.
I am sure I will still hit bumps in the road, big bumps, small bumps, and I will come to you all and with your love and support I will find my way through once again, until finally I reach a place of peace and understanding and can let my son go until we meet again...and oh what a day that will be.