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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


JANUARY 24, 2013 9:03AM

Now I See

Rate: 12 Flag

After yesterdays post, which I had to actually force myself to send, as I read the comments and the pm’s I started to think clearer than I had in a long while.


 I cried but talked to myself, to my son, and as I cried all these thoughts bombarded me, thoughts that must have been swirling around unheeded, by me, out of fear. 

My first thoughts were how every man in my life has left me, has not cared; my father, two husbands, old boyfriends, but then I saw Joey didn’t leave me, he died, he didn’t desert me, leave me behind, not love me enough to stay, he simply and tragically died. 

My thoughts then took me to Toddy, who also died, at a year old and even though I was all he knew the last 3 months of his life I did not have the memories I have with Joey and Toddy’s death took me 4 years to see the sunshine, 4 years of counseling, 4 years to where family said I looked alive, 4 years to find my smile again.  

Why do I think I should be past this already? 

Well I thought about that too and I feel it was the husband, I knew if the husband wasn’t around my world would be calmer, not necessarily through death but just not around anymore I knew life would change for the better. 

I went from burying my son to watching the husband die and had myself, my emotions still tied up in how much better life will be now, how I can reclaim MY life, MY home and it is, will be, I am working on it. 

But Joey is not here to enjoy it with me, to help me reclaim what once was all ours.  

I think that is where I lost my footing…. 

I have decided to go back to The Compassionate Friends meetings the second Thursday of every month, so I’ll take a nap since they don’t end until 10pm and I get up at 4am, so what, I can do that! 

I have not been walking because of the rib and I can’t take the dog with me BUT I am almost healed and we can start exploring our surroundings together. 

Lastly but most importantly I am going to grieve, for how ever long it takes, as many tears as may flow, until my heart says it will be okay ….I will not worry about what others may think. 

I am sure I will still hit bumps in the road, big bumps, small bumps, and I will come to you all and with your love and support I will find my way through once again, until finally I reach a place of peace and understanding and can let my son go until we meet again...and oh what a day that will be.

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children, losses, men, hate, love, death, life

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That's better. No rush, no timetable, and most importantly, no self-flagellation over where you think you SHOULD be. You are most likely right where you need to be and I am very glad you can still write it out here. That seems to help a lot too :-) XO
"What a difference a day makes,
Twenty-four little hours.
I see sun, I see flowers,
Where there used to be rain."

Lyrics to the Dinah Washington song by Renee Olstead
I am only to this place because of the help I recieved, the wonderful words of support from you all. I plan on trying my best to just be, just sit back and feel and cry and miss my boy until some morning I wake up and I smile when I remember him. Maybe then I can write again....
I love the photo here.
And how wonderful that you are meeting yourself where you are - grief and all. The walks will help, most definitely. Walk and cry and look back and look ahead...
LL, I'm not here much but it sounds as tho yo have given yourself permission to do what you need, on your timetable, and that's all good.
You will hit bumps and some will be bigger than others. But, you know to ask for help and let others help you hold it. There's lot to be said for that!
Peace. It is all around you and I love to read how you are swimming in the soup and coming up for air again and again. Floating. You will be fine. Much love around you.
From all I can see, grief & depression just form this endless self-defeating circle -- you NEED to eat healthy & go for walks & sit outside meditating on the sky or the clouds. You NEED a Spring garden, instead of all this gray. But when you're sad, it's hard to even drag yourself out of the bed, & ice cream seems like your best friend. I miss Joe so much, some mornings I fall into tears at the seemingly unfairness of it all. And I'm just his aunt, not the mother who stood by him during his hard times & rejoiced in his good times. Whenever my girls have struggled, it has been the hardest time. And you still have a son struggling at the point in your life where you should be kicking back a little & not still battling everything.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it's bizarrely good to remember Great-Grandma (whose birthday you were born on) & all the grief in her life -- the lost babies, a beloved daughter dying too young, the kidnapped grandchildren -- ALL that sadness, but she kept going all the way to age 96, & I wish she was here to give us her magic tricks, except maybe there weren't any tricks at all. She must have grieved terribly, but she made cobbler for the eventual great-grandchildren & sent home scraps for the hungry dog & she always planted the most amazing garden! You got her green thumb, certainly, & maybe you also got her strength. She had her church, & maybe THIS is your church -- same with Compassionate Friends -- it's a good place to go, full of shared heartbreak & inspired survival & others who "understand."

And I'm always here. Granted, I may be feeding grandkids or scrambling around in the kitchen, but I AM here & I love you, so...(Oh...& we were out "visiting" Joe on Saturday, & yes, the deer completely devoured all of the flowers save -- naturally -- a few of Mom's. Geo planted the flower that Laura left, meaning it might survive even! The daffodils & irises will be blooming in a couple of months. It WILL get better!)
Suzie, I think about Great Grandma a lot and sometimes think she looks so sad in some of our pictures and actually imagine her pain she must have been in having lost children too. I firmly believe she is who came to get Toddy the night he died. Toddy looked up right into someone's eyes and he was gone. I would love to be like Great Grandma....Thanks to all I am here I am reading, I am trying to find my way.
it's hard to comfort from such a distance, but I'm so lifted by your spirit and determination. I saw a cartoon that said, 'When comforting someone in my writing group I always say 'There, Their, They're'. smile?
Good, thoughtful plans. May they help you and heal you in every way that you need - at your own pace!
i have to start over and reread all your posts. sending you tons of love.
I guess I missed this one awhile ago -- interesting to find it now, after reading your newer posts...
Frodo and his 'reward' became the main dinner discussion this evening ~ I nearly forgot to eat my tamale : )