Sitting here in my nightgown, feet wrapped in a Christmas throw, door open to the cold, sunshiny world outside, and the smooth sounds of my very loud wind chimes I find I am contemplating my life.
Old habits keeps repeating in my head, it was the husbands favorite song to sing, how I wish I had caught it on tape for his granddaughter, but by the time I had the ability to do so he didn't anymore.
I never wanted anymore from life than to be a wife and mother, as a child maybe I had dreams of working with horses or being a vet but being a teen in the late 60's left me with dreams of Father knows Best and the thought that I could do better than my mom had, not actually blaming her for our fathers leaving us, for the dirt poorness of our life, but I was "that" child, the one who always got the switch, the one the other siblings could blame and since it usually was me, well, who could blame them, and I swore I would never treat my children that way.
I married at 18, had my first child 2 months before I turned 19 and I thought I really had the perfect life, my husband loved me I was going to have children galore and then surround myself with grandchildren, great-grandchildren and be as I saw my Great grandparents/grandparents, loving, kind, nurturing and always there for them.
But life has a way of throwing bumps in the road that sometimes I see as good and evil laying bets down throwing life at you like a hardball seeing if you duck or throw back. It would be easiest to duck to lay low, give in to always hiding, always running instead of fighting back to the top after being beat down over and over.
As I contemplate all of this I have come to the realization that I am indeed a child of habit; I have always been poor so I shall always worry about being poor, I have struggled with my weight all my life and when I didn’t my grandmother did, so I shall always struggle with my weight, my truck broke down once so my truck will always break down, men treat me badly so men will always treat me badly, friends use me, so friends will always use me…
Then we add in the habits I have learned from marriage, the husbands hated my cooking, singing, the way I raise children, how I drive, when I speak, how I dress, I guess truly both husbands, by the end, blamed me for everything in their life that was bad, so I learned I must be a bad person and in accepting that blame made new habits.
I realized the other day I was letting these habits possess me when my youngest son started getting in trouble, I would get up and give him the living room, going back to my room, I would hide food so he wouldn’t eat it all and I fell face first right back into those stupid habits.
Well I am here to tell you it is time for me to break the chain, the cycle, the habits that are holding me back. It is time to slowly move forward, do what I want to do, when I want to do it and let the 20 year old sink or swim, not that I won’t still be here for him but he is not his father and I need to show him that.
I will always fight these habits, they have been engrained in me since a young child but it is time I take the reins of my own life and slowly ride this pony forward.