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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
March 05
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...


JANUARY 27, 2013 5:35PM

Old Habits

Rate: 13 Flag

Sitting here in my nightgown, feet wrapped in a Christmas throw, door open to the cold, sunshiny world outside, and the smooth sounds of my very loud wind chimes I find I am contemplating my life.

Old habits keeps repeating in my head, it was the husbands favorite song to sing, how I wish I had caught it on tape for his granddaughter, but by the time I had the ability to do so he didn't anymore.

I never wanted anymore from life than to be a wife and mother, as a child maybe I had dreams of working with horses or being a vet but being a teen in the late 60's left me with dreams of Father knows Best and the thought that I could do better than my mom had, not actually blaming her for our fathers leaving us, for the dirt poorness of our life, but I was "that" child, the one who always got the switch, the one the other siblings could blame and since it usually was me, well, who could blame them, and I swore I would never treat my children that way.

I married at 18, had my first child 2 months before I turned 19 and I thought I really had the perfect life, my husband loved me I was going to have children galore and then surround myself with grandchildren, great-grandchildren and be as I saw my Great grandparents/grandparents, loving, kind, nurturing and always there for them.

But life has a way of throwing bumps in the road that sometimes I see as good and evil laying bets down throwing life at you like a hardball seeing if you duck or throw back. It would be easiest to duck to lay low, give in to always hiding, always running instead of fighting back to the top after being beat down over and over.

As I contemplate all of this I have come to the realization that I am indeed a child of habit; I have always been poor so I shall always worry about being poor, I have struggled with my weight all my life and when I didn’t my grandmother did, so I shall always struggle with my weight, my truck broke down once so my truck will always break down, men treat me badly so men will always treat me badly, friends use me, so friends will always use me…

Then we add in the habits I have learned from marriage, the husbands hated my cooking, singing, the way I raise children, how I drive, when I speak, how I dress, I guess truly both husbands, by the end, blamed me for everything in their life that was bad, so I learned I must be a bad person and in accepting that blame made new habits.

I realized the other day I was letting these habits possess me when my youngest son started getting in trouble, I would get up and give him the living room, going back to my room, I would hide food so he wouldn’t eat it all and I fell face first right back into those stupid habits.

Well I am here to tell you it is time for me to break the chain, the cycle, the habits that are holding me back. It is time to slowly move forward, do what I want to do, when I want to do it and let the 20 year old sink or swim, not that I won’t still be here for him but he is not his father and I need to show him that.

I will always fight these habits, they have been engrained in me since a young child but it is time I take the reins of my own life and slowly ride this pony forward.

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Absolutely. It's possible to embark on a new course in your life now. You don't have to do what you've always done and get what you've always had. You deserve better. May it be so and may it be soon!
Good luck to you LL. We all have those habits, those parts of ourselves we're not proud of. Recognizing them is the first step.
Damn bumpy road!! Smooth roads up ahead! I SEES IT!!! :) ~hug~
Riding the pony of life sometimes means taking firm hold of the reins, but sometimes letting the pony lead.

Good luck and giddyup!
Thank you all for hanging with me as I try to find my way back, try to accept me as I am and move forward from there. It is like little mind strokes for lack of a better word, a shiny moment when you realize you are no different from everyone else, we all struggle with demons, we all try hard to fight back, we all need people in our life to remind us we are never really all are my people, my friends and I would be lost without you!
love and hugs, LL. you will get there.
Good luck! Find the good things.
Not to miss the entirely valid point of this post, but your writing seems to be getting better and better every day. I felt as if I was sitting in your living room hearing your heart speak. Yes! Break that habit, force that 20-year-old to face his mirror and set a new example for your girls. It is never too late.

[r] good luck and good for you.

George Eliot: "It's never too late to be who you might have been." best, libby
Hard lessons but good. Making the kid stand on his own will be the best thing you ever do for him. Painful for you, though. As always, I wish you great strength.
You're at the crossroads in life now. Don't turn back. Do something DIFFERENT. Do something for yourself. Don't let anybody get in your way. Don't stop yourself from growing forward by repeating old habits that've hindered your growth. Habits precede addictions. Stopping them now while you're receiving signals [biofeedback] will help you overcome personal obstacles you've set yourself. The first step is a big one. Especially when you're on your way up!
Habits mean you can change them. It isn't easy, but recognizing them is a great first step. I'm still breaking some :0)
Sometimes it's all you can do just to breathe, isn't it?
congratulations, lunchlady. I'm also fighting back, freeing myself. hardest thing i have ever tried to do. it is harder to recover the independence of physical movement from paralysis then it is to recover the independence of mind and spirit from the chains of habit and the most worthwhile fight ever. knowing you are doing this encourages me too. thank you.
So proud of you, Terri. You are a strong, caring, wonderful person and this is your time. I'm glad you have decided to take the reins!
A very quick thank you all for the comments, my youngest daughter and granddaughter are moving to Nevada and I have been spending every minute I could with them, they are leaving this morning :(
I really do appreciate you all I hope you know that...
It is never too late to change, especially if you take it one little step at a time. I know someone who made big changes at 75 and another at 90, in attitude, perspective and even behavior. It's a beautiful thing.