PEACE

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Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...

MY RECENT POSTS

FEBRUARY 13, 2013 7:14PM

Coming Out of the Dark

Rate: 16 Flag

dark 

Hand over hand climbing up, falling back, getting back up every day, every step, a bit easier a bit smoother a little less painful, that, at this place and time is my life.

I still have days where tears roll freely down my face, I can't control them they come unbidden to loose themselves from my soul to cleanse and free my heart from its pain.

My mind lays stagnant and sterile as I search for a way to write about it, to free my thoughts, my heart, my soul, from the unanswered questions, the dark thoughts, the what if’s that plague me when I least expect them.

I find myself deep in thought every bad thought needing to be countered with a good thought, it’s not my fault, I didn’t know, I couldn’t have saved him if I had…

I find I constantly must talk to myself, to calm myself to assure myself it was not, it was never, my fault.

I can’t save the world….

And I hate that.

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Comments

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Don't we all... glad to see you working your way through in such a creative way. Love the tags.
You can (and do) make the world a better place. Welcome back.
Gabby, I guess really we all do it is just so hard to realize we can't.
Eva T, thank you and I'm trying, words just don't come to me like they used to, but yet I still have hope, I still try...
You said a mouthful those last couple of lines. From my experience in working with hundreds of families of alcoholics, this seems to well sum up much of the turmoil of loving one who drinks in excess - that we cannot save them from themselves. THAT is the heart of their disorder - that they will not save themselves. Easy? Not at all. Possible? ALWAYS. The alternative is what lies in their wake. You've been told before, I imagine, and here it comes again - you have nothing to be ashamed of, you gave much more than his behavior probably deserved. In the end - he did what he was going to do and there was nothing you could do to stop him....

I shall now step down off my podium....
kitd, I know you are right and I believe this is all a combination of my son's death and then the husband and I am just overwhelmed with sadness...I am doing my best to work my way back. It sure is good to see you back!
Lunchlady 2,

I'm so glad that things are less painful for you with every passing day.
Lunchlady, your resilience will never cease to amaze me.

I think I told you about a metaphor I read once, that grieving is like moving a pile of rice, one grain at a time. You don't get a shovel or even a spoon. One grain at a time, you have to pick each one up and think about it, and when you're ready, you put it aside, and you pick up the next one. Over and over and over, and some day, you'll notice the pile is smaller. Some day, it will be moved. You're moving through the pile. It takes a long time, it takes what it takes. All those things you're facing, it's those grains of rice.

Don't let anyone say "should" to you... you should feel this, you should feel that, you should be better by now. You're doing what you need to do.

Hang in there, lunchlady, and the spring will come.
No one can save the world, or another person. But you were there for him.
[r] serenity prayer time, at least that is what i often resort to, ll. best, libby
I know that the questions will always be there, but the light will shine through someday. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is a good start.
Thank you all for hanging with me while I work through this cloud that hangs so darkly over my head. I believe sometimes I can actually see the light peeking through..