- March 05
- I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye.
I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way.
I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...
MY RECENT POSTS
- Big Sigh
December 02, 2014 08:34AM
- "The Holidays"
November 24, 2014 02:13PM
- I Wish
November 16, 2014 03:49PM
November 03, 2014 08:42AM
- The Hits Keep Coming
October 12, 2014 02:22PM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “Sorry to be so wistful
December 02, 2014 08:57AM
- “I love you all so much
and wish every one of you
but such is
November 26, 2014 05:17PM
- “jmac, they sure can,
sometimes I think I think if I
a shoulder to cry
November 24, 2014 06:43PM
- “But Gabby, what if I
failed him on all these
things,I know he
loved me as a
November 24, 2014 05:44PM
- “Linda, maybe your right,
maybe I just can't deal with
yet, maybe I still
November 24, 2014 05:13PM
Lunchlady 2's Links
- MY LINKS
Today would have been your 42nd birthday, you would have graduated from turbine school and you and your love would have been married, even possibly would have adopted me another grandchild by now, but life did not work out like it was supposed to, life threw us a curve… Read full post »
Deeply or seriously thoughtful, often with a tinge of sadness
I received a call last week-end from my first love, I am still friends with his brother and he had given him my number, which I was fine with.
We made small talk, I knew his wife, the… Read full post »
I can't help myself, every time Lord of the Rings comes on I must watch it, even though I own the complete set without the commercials and all the good stuff cut from it.
It has always bothered me that, in the end, Frodo loses, no great prize, no love of… Read full post »
Yesterday I had another meeting with my counselor and found out he is moving his practice to Stockton, he will still be available to me if I need him I only need to phone and make an appointment or I could start to drive the hour there, the hour visit and… Read full post »
I have recently discovered that, when I am not working, I hide in my home like a mole, hiding from the sun, mindlessly watching TV and ignoring the need to write, to dig myself out of this hole I am in.
But when I go outside to feed the dog, I… Read full post »
Two years ago today Joey died, I really believe he had died the day before once I thought about it and remembered how things seemed different but in the end it doesn't matter, either the hospital was nice enough to give this worn out family one more quiet night of… Read full post »
When Susie and I were small, it seemed, looking back through pictures, we had nice clothes and mom looked healthy and the world was a happy place. Three more children come along and the marriage started to go south along with dad's wandering eyes and the pictures get darker, the shoes… Read full post »
I have been receiving little brain glitches lately, the kind that make you want to duck and run and I could not understand why.
At first I though maybe our Harvest dinner all those turkeys but then that has been much easier with more help, without someone dying….
This Friday 60+ dead nasty turkeys ( I have been doing this for about 15 years and I now HATE turkey) will be delivered to my school walk-in, to make room for all these birds I need to move a bunch of heavy food items around to clear three major… Read full post »
Yesterday I met with my son's fiancé to spend the day together. I picked her up at the bus stop and we headed over to a spiritual fair, we had planned to do this two years ago on the very day my son entered the hospital, so two years later we… Read full post »
Awhile back I wrote about troubles I was having with my youngest son, he was not on a path I considered good.
I kept pushing and yelling and finally surrendered, what would be, would be....
He found a school he wanted to attend, a trade school in Sacramento that has a… Read full post »
I find this morning I feel like my feral cat at work, she runs to my truck when I first get here every morning and lets (insists) I pet her but her guard is always up, she is always ready to run away like someone has been mean to her. She… Read full post »
Today is my youngest son's 21st birthday, almost 18 years ago I moved him, his siblings and their dad into my home. It was a decision that scared the hell out of me but here we are still a family, still growing, still moving forward.
He is enrolled in a trade… Read full post »
Yesterday I had a repair man come to the school to fix my outside freezer which had turned into a skating rink. I was in and out while he fixed it, watching him when I could and making small talk.
Once he found the… Read full post »
This morning right before the alarm went off I was in a deep dream, it was one that parts stick to you like super glue and you can't shake them free.
It involved three families, a chest, and I believe a higher being (God?).
They were all brought together to see… Read full post »
The other night I had the most vivid dream, while I can't recall it all, it was about choosing to give up or move forward.
I remember talking to people, one, an old girlfriend, who turned out to only be about her, so I set her free, but I seem… Read full post »
Once she had told the new pyschologist her story, her whole story, birth, daddy, pity poor, party girl, death, divorce, janitor to lunchlady, the alcoholic, mother bear, more death and more death he sat back crossed his arms and stared at her for a full minute and then he sa… Read full post »
She felt his strong hands in hers
his fingers gentle on her cheek
his hands brushing against hers
sending electric shocks
throughout her long lonely body.
They laid together looking skyward
guessing planets, Venus, Mercury
the owls glidin… Read full post »
After my shingles shot yesterday and before my dentist appointment I went to Target. As I drove by to find a place to park I saw a young man with his small dog and a cart parked at the corner of the building.
I smiled at him as… Read full post »
That's what I have been doing, holding tight to my son even to my husband long after they are gone.
I touch something of theirs, my son's Raiders hat, the husbands knives they each give me small jolts, little electric jolts of remembrances, how much my son loved the Raiders, how… Read full post »
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
I seem to be caught in a web, one of my own making, one that is sticky and hard to escape from.
It seems like it has been the longest time since I relaxed and just had fun, I always feel like I have to be on guard, what if… Read full post »
I find I am still questioning prayer, it seems prayers are just people trying to make sense of things we can't control and throwing wishes to God to help us cope. Prayers aren't really ever answered, there are no "miracles," people live or people die, this doesn't mea… Read full post »
I knew I was having problems with concentration and just not feeling "right". I signed up for Luminosity and my points were starting to go backwards, I wasn't sleeping, I ached yet everything added up to depression. I finally went back to the Dr who ran blood tests and discovered I was… Read full post »
She thought it would keep her safe, she thought if she could but keep out those thoughts, those memories she would be her old self, the self she was, she knew, from before those horrible times.
She woke, she worked, she slept, and she wore the face of… Read full post »