- March 05
- I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye.
I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way.
I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...
MY RECENT POSTS
- One Last Time: First Love
August 02, 2014 10:02PM
- In My Head
July 21, 2014 09:16PM
- Where Have I Been?
July 16, 2014 09:19PM
- Man Made
June 02, 2014 09:35PM
- Coming Out of the Dark
May 01, 2014 08:48AM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “Yep to
August 19, 2014 01:42PM
- “Everyone has said what I
feel, thank you for setting my
straight from the
August 19, 2014 08:43AM
- “I remember when mom
wasn't allowed to drive
age but still a
August 17, 2014 08:12PM
- “They all remind me so
much of my first marriage, the
young hopeful people
August 17, 2014 07:40PM
- “I couldn't do it because
I just could not live with
mess for my
August 17, 2014 02:35PM
Lunchlady 2's Links
- MY LINKS
Yesterday I met with my son's fiancé to spend the day together. I picked her up at the bus stop and we headed over to a spiritual fair, we had planned to do this two years ago on the very day my son entered the hospital, so two years later we… Read full post »
Awhile back I wrote about troubles I was having with my youngest son, he was not on a path I considered good.
I kept pushing and yelling and finally surrendered, what would be, would be....
He found a school he wanted to attend, a trade school in Sacramento that has a… Read full post »
I find this morning I feel like my feral cat at work, she runs to my truck when I first get here every morning and lets (insists) I pet her but her guard is always up, she is always ready to run away like someone has been mean to her. She… Read full post »
Today is my youngest son's 21st birthday, almost 18 years ago I moved him, his siblings and their dad into my home. It was a decision that scared the hell out of me but here we are still a family, still growing, still moving forward.
He is enrolled in a trade… Read full post »
Yesterday I had a repair man come to the school to fix my outside freezer which had turned into a skating rink. I was in and out while he fixed it, watching him when I could and making small talk.
Once he found the… Read full post »
This morning right before the alarm went off I was in a deep dream, it was one that parts stick to you like super glue and you can't shake them free.
It involved three families, a chest, and I believe a higher being (God?).
They were all brought together to see… Read full post »
The other night I had the most vivid dream, while I can't recall it all, it was about choosing to give up or move forward.
I remember talking to people, one, an old girlfriend, who turned out to only be about her, so I set her free, but I seem… Read full post »
Once she had told the new pyschologist her story, her whole story, birth, daddy, pity poor, party girl, death, divorce, janitor to lunchlady, the alcoholic, mother bear, more death and more death he sat back crossed his arms and stared at her for a full minute and then he sa… Read full post »
She felt his strong hands in hers
his fingers gentle on her cheek
his hands brushing against hers
sending electric shocks
throughout her long lonely body.
They laid together looking skyward
guessing planets, Venus, Mercury
the owls glidin… Read full post »
After my shingles shot yesterday and before my dentist appointment I went to Target. As I drove by to find a place to park I saw a young man with his small dog and a cart parked at the corner of the building.
I smiled at him as… Read full post »
That's what I have been doing, holding tight to my son even to my husband long after they are gone.
I touch something of theirs, my son's Raiders hat, the husbands knives they each give me small jolts, little electric jolts of remembrances, how much my son loved the Raiders, how… Read full post »
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
I seem to be caught in a web, one of my own making, one that is sticky and hard to escape from.
It seems like it has been the longest time since I relaxed and just had fun, I always feel like I have to be on guard, what if… Read full post »
I find I am still questioning prayer, it seems prayers are just people trying to make sense of things we can't control and throwing wishes to God to help us cope. Prayers aren't really ever answered, there are no "miracles," people live or people die, this doesn't mea… Read full post »
I knew I was having problems with concentration and just not feeling "right". I signed up for Luminosity and my points were starting to go backwards, I wasn't sleeping, I ached yet everything added up to depression. I finally went back to the Dr who ran blood tests and discovered I was… Read full post »
She thought it would keep her safe, she thought if she could but keep out those thoughts, those memories she would be her old self, the self she was, she knew, from before those horrible times.
She woke, she worked, she slept, and she wore the face of… Read full post »
I don't know where to start so I am going to write, to set my thoughts to paper and in doing so try to find my way back from my self imposed isolation.
When your children die, through my eyes, you can't ever go back to what was,… Read full post »
Yesterday was our field day for the K-5 and the graduates were practicing in the gym for there walk down the aisle.
It is one fast day, sack lunches for all and craziness everywhere...
In between making the sack lunches and waiting on students for snack I peeked out… Read full post »
That's me right now this week, last week, feels like forever.
I picked my first cherry tomatoes yesterday and that usually brings a smile to my face but they tasted plain and small and sad instead...
I tried, last night, to lie down and remember my son in the… Read full post »
I was sleeping soundly Sunday morning until I heard the sound of one of my cats playing with what I thought a mouse beside my bed, upon further investigation I realized it was a small bird! I chased the cat who dropped the bird, which then laid motionless. I picked the… Read full post »
This morning driving my one mile too work, nothing of real importance playing on my Ipod I felt a presence next to me, my son, my Joey and I reached over and touched where his leg would be and just let it rest there and started to cry, really, really cry...… Read full post »
I was joking with my girls at work last week and I was telling them about the psychic, what he had said and then laughingly shared with them the idea that for me to meet a man like Jesus would mean the rapture was coming in October and… Read full post »
Yes we are here yet again, seems these birthday's are picking up speed, just a few short years ago we were young and full of life and looking forward to what life had to offer us.
We actually waited awhile longer before planning our futures which never really included college… Read full post »
I went to a psychic fair Saturday, I bought a wonderful medicine bag and some bangles for my granddaughter and then I thought what the hell and sat down with a psychic medium, world famous la de da kind of guy who charged too much and taped our conversation.… Read full post »
I realized today why I did not like how Lord Of The Rings ends, a comment by Doug Socks on my last post opened my eyes and helped me see and it made me sad but it also taught me acceptance.
Frodo throughout the story fights to do right,… Read full post »
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