PEACE

to all who enter here

Lunchlady 2

Lunchlady 2
Birthday
March 05
Bio
I am now a widow, having laid my last kiss on my husbands brow after he died to say goodbye. Since then I have found an old note he wrote me apologizing for his meanness laying on my floor and two gold coins under my blankets, his way of saying he was sorry and goodbye. I have buried my ex husband, my baby son, my grown son, my mom and now my husband and I wish to bury no more, but life does not work that way. I have birthed 3 children and have 3 more wonderful children from my last marriage. I have 4 living children and a granddaughter I adore and I am in the process of finding me. I have no idea who I am but I have discovered I am loved and I never knew that before and it makes me smile...

MY RECENT POSTS

JANUARY 1, 2014 7:04PM

I Believe I Get it Now

I can't help myself, every time Lord of the Rings comes on I must watch it, even though I own the complete set without the commercials and all the good stuff cut from it.

It has always bothered me that, in the end, Frodo loses, no great prize, no love of… Read full post »

DECEMBER 6, 2013 8:49AM

Just Another Dead Beat Dad?

Yesterday I had another meeting with my counselor and found out he is moving his practice to Stockton, he will still be available to me if I need him I only need to phone and make an appointment or I could start to drive the hour there, the hour visit andRead full post »

NOVEMBER 30, 2013 8:26PM

Alone

I have recently discovered that, when I am not working, I hide in my  home like a mole, hiding from the sun, mindlessly watching TV and ignoring the need to write, to dig myself out of this hole I am in.

But when I go outside to feed the dog, I… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 13, 2013 9:12AM

Life

 Joe and me

Two years ago today Joey died, I really believe he had died the day before once I thought about it and remembered how things seemed different but in the end it doesn't matter, either the hospital was nice enough to give this worn out family one more quiet night ofRead full post »

NOVEMBER 7, 2013 9:03AM

Poor Proud

When Susie and I were small, it seemed, looking back through pictures, we had nice clothes and mom looked healthy and the world was a happy place. Three more children come along and the marriage started to go south along with dad's wandering eyes and the pictures get darker, the shoesRead full post »

OCTOBER 28, 2013 8:59AM

Anxiety

I have been receiving little brain glitches lately, the kind that make you want to duck and run and I could not understand why.

At first I though maybe our Harvest dinner all those turkeys but then that has been much easier with more help, without someone dying….

 Read full post »

OCTOBER 15, 2013 8:52AM

A Question

 

Turkey 1This Friday 60+ dead nasty turkeys ( I have been doing this for about 15 years and I now HATE turkey) will be delivered to my school walk-in, to make room for all these birds I need to move a bunch of heavy food items around to clear three major… Read full post »

OCTOBER 6, 2013 4:08PM

An Unexpected Gift

Yesterday I met with my son's fiancé to spend the day together. I picked her up at the bus stop and we headed over to a spiritual fair, we had planned to do this two years ago on the very day my son entered the hospital, so two years later we… Read full post »

OCTOBER 2, 2013 8:58AM

Sometimes

Awhile back I wrote about troubles I was having with my youngest son, he was not on a path I considered good.

I kept pushing and yelling and finally surrendered, what would be, would be....

 He found a school he wanted to attend, a trade school in Sacramento that has a… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 26, 2013 8:59AM

Outside Looking In

I find this morning I feel like my feral cat at work, she runs to my truck when I first get here every morning and lets (insists) I pet her but her guard is always up, she is always ready to run away like someone has been mean to her. She… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 22, 2013 7:01PM

An Ending of Sorts

Today is my youngest son's 21st birthday, almost 18 years ago I moved him, his siblings and their dad into my home. It was a decision that scared the hell out of me but here we are still a family, still growing, still moving forward.

He is enrolled in a trade… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 6, 2013 8:50AM

The Randomness of Life

 Mother Teresa

 

Yesterday I had a repair man come to the school to fix my outside freezer which had turned into a skating rink. I was in and out while he fixed it, watching him when I could and making small talk.

 

Once he found theRead full post »

AUGUST 30, 2013 9:03AM

Another Dream

This morning right before the alarm went off  I was in a deep dream,  it was one that parts stick to you like super glue and you can't shake them free.

It involved three families, a chest, and I believe a higher being (God?).

They were all brought together to see… Read full post »

AUGUST 23, 2013 8:40AM

A Dream and a Sound

 

media6The other night I had the most vivid dream, while I can't recall it all, it was about choosing to give up or move forward.

I remember talking to people, one, an old girlfriend, who turned out to only be about her, so I set her free, but I seem… Read full post »

AUGUST 21, 2013 8:48AM

Remarkable

 praying-mantis-bike

 Once she had told the new pyschologist her story, her whole story, birth, daddy, pity poor, party girl,  death, divorce, janitor to lunchlady, the alcoholic, mother bear, more death and more death he sat back crossed his arms and stared at her for a full minute and then he sa… Read full post »

AUGUST 14, 2013 4:12PM

My Brave New Life (Iron Poet #17)

 Summer night

 

 She felt his strong hands in hers

his fingers gentle on her cheek

his hands brushing against hers

sending electric shocks

throughout her long lonely body.

 

 They laid together looking skyward

 guessing planets, Venus, Mercury

 the owls glidin… Read full post »

AUGUST 9, 2013 11:44PM

Panhandler's Blues

 

After my shingles shot yesterday and before my dentist appointment I went to Target. As I drove by to find a place to park I saw a young man with his small dog and a cart parked at the corner of the building.

 I smiled at him as… Read full post »

JULY 31, 2013 4:11PM

Holding Tight

That's what I have been doing, holding tight to my son even to my husband long after they are gone.

I touch something of theirs, my son's Raiders hat, the husbands knives they each give me small jolts, little electric jolts of remembrances, how much my son loved the Raiders, how… Read full post »

JULY 24, 2013 5:01PM

Sirenita

Late Fragment

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

 

 

JULY 21, 2013 2:27PM

Broken

 angels-falling-broken-feathers

I seem to be caught in a web, one of my own making, one that is sticky and hard to escape from.

It seems like it has been the longest time since I relaxed and just had fun, I always feel like I have to be on guard, what if… Read full post »

JULY 11, 2013 4:02PM

Prayers

 prayer-warrior

 

 I find I am still questioning  prayer, it seems prayers are just people trying to make sense of things we can't control and throwing wishes to God to help us cope. Prayers aren't really ever answered, there are no "miracles," people live or people die, this doesn't mea… Read full post »

JULY 2, 2013 7:39PM

Why I Haven't Been Here Much

I knew I was having problems  with concentration and just not feeling "right". I signed up for Luminosity and my points were starting to go backwards, I wasn't sleeping, I ached yet everything added up to depression. I finally went back to the Dr who ran blood tests and discovered I was… Read full post »

JUNE 14, 2013 3:39PM

The Shell

Animals_Under_water_Starfishes_018656_29 

She thought it would keep her safe, she thought if she could but keep out those thoughts, those memories she would be her old self, the self she was, she knew, from before those horrible times.

She woke, she worked, she slept, and she wore the face ofRead full post »

JUNE 5, 2013 8:07PM

So Lost

 Me and my boys

I don't know where to start so I am going to write, to set my thoughts to paper and in doing so try to find my way back from my self imposed isolation.

Me and Joe 

 

When your children die, through my eyes, you can't ever go back to what was,Read full post »

MAY 23, 2013 8:55AM

Yesterday

Yesterday was our field day for the K-5 and the graduates were practicing in the gym for there walk down the aisle.

It is one fast day, sack lunches for all and craziness everywhere...

In between making the sack lunches and waiting on students for snack I peeked out… Read full post »