As a self-employed, sole provider and single mother of two children, I have been hit pretty hard by this economic downturn. My income was down about 40% last year and so far this year I have made 3% of my 2007 income. That really sucks. My line of work is integrally connected on the front lines of the economy. With a 4o% drop in my income last year, the IRS was not a priority. Sometimes I think that 3 meals and a cot sound pretty appealing but my accountant tells me federal prison is not that great (does she really know this to be true?). But I do have kids and a dog, so I left for 2 days to lock myself in a hotel room to do my taxes.
No kids (21 year old brother and girlfriend took care of 13 year old brother with my mother checking in), no dog, no distractions. Just 48 hours with my laptop, my papers, Quicken, a TV (lots of episodes of House and some good basketball) and then, of course, the beach. The beach is my refuge, my salvation, my peace, my fortress of solitude.
Taxes are hell to me. I had not categorized ANY of my expenses in Quicken all year. I had not kept up with downloading my bank statements and had several months to do by hand. I had to file, sort, organize, re-organize. I had to REMEMBER things. Who was that bill to? Why the hell did I agree to pay for that? How many miles did I drive on that trip? Was that meal a client meal? Ugh!!!
Then I would walk...
But my mind was dark. My last trip in January, I walked and meditated and prayed for grace and peace to the world.
I have two sides to me. On my bad days, I think that there are just too many people, too many negative factors set into motion. At this point, it is really a Malthusian equation of population, combined with the confluence of extreme economic, environmental and political factors. The result, over time, will strip humans of their basic needs and the resulting fear will cause many to resort to sub-human methods of survival.
On my good days, which at this point usually outnumber the bad about 6-1, I am comforted by the fact that the pendulum swings toward the good in people; the hopefulness; the love. Rousseau's belief that man is naturally good, has always resonated with me. It is society that causes man's degradation.
I have a personal belief that most people only change when faced with death. My hope is that the difficulties we face (impending annihilation of our species), will force people to change by actually altering our society and setting man on a trajectory towards a higher level of consciousness. Unfortunately, this is where the denial factor that is pervasive in much of the global culture comes into play. At this point the economic, environmental and political threats do not seem imminent. Not scary or threatening enough for MOST people to attempt fundamental change.
Maybe what we need is a good old fashioned alien invasion (Independence Day) or an asteroid threat (Armageddon). Then everyone would feel so intensely threatened that they would come together and we would move more rapidly to that level of consciousness. Ignoring, denying, hoping and wishing aren't going to change these things.
If the situation is as bad as some believe it is, nothing less than revolutionary action will stop it. The end of capitalism, the end of religion, the end of social contracts that have ceased to be effective - all must be transformed into something that works. What we are doing now is not working.
So, I walk some more. The sun is setting and I snap this photo:
It is overexposed when I review it, but I am fascinated by the color. I picture a nuclear winter. People struggling to survive.
I walk further and my imagination remembers the horrifying scene at the end of The Planet of the Apes when Taylor realizes where he is. (I was 8 years old so that had a profound impact on me!)
I am a student of history and I read the papers, and the macro outlook ain't looking that great.
BUT.
Years ago, I realized that living in that mindset was counterproductive to me. I know I can only change my little micro world. I am kind to people, I work hard, I love my kids intensely and try to help them to be compassionate young men, I help others- alot. Most of my little world looks pretty good.
It is all going to be OK.
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Comments
Larry, I think what what MB is saying is that most people are self-centered, and are basically "sleep walking" through their lives. They are not connected to the sheer awe and beauty of life, nor are they very invested in caring for human life. In other words, man is destroying his habitat and himself. MB is suggesting that only when faced with death do people sometimes change their perspectives and behavior toward their fellow man and our planet. Also, there is a spiritual world out there, but accessing it takes some risk.
Great post MB!
Rated
Larry, Larry, Larry: First of all, thank you for reading and for your comments. Secondly, I am not into "Hippie Jargon" and "New Agey" stuff. Promise. There are some good concepts there, but often the messengers have overshadowed the ideas.
Higher consciousness, to me, means living in reality. No escape, no denial, no rationalization. Seeing life as it really is, facing it, dealing with it, not running from it, being IN it. Being aware and awake. I spent my youth and teenage years escaping from my reality through excessively reading, working, participating in sports, school activities, etc. I then discovered alcohol and drugs and discovered what really escaping was like. I have been sober for 23 years and my goal in life is to develop myself to my potential: emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. I do this by CONNECTING to people, to God, to my mental and physical self. I also consider myself a Marxist and was profoundly influenced by Marx's early writings in which he discusses man's alienation from himself and his fellows. I think much of society alienates us from ourselves and each other and that this erodes our consciousness. The problem with an eroded consciousness, is that if people are not present in their lives, how can they effect real change? Do you approve of me more now that you know I am a Marxist not a Hippie:-) Point well taken, however, and I should have more clearly defined in my post what I meant.
Grif: Thank you! You are pretty on target my spiritual friend.
god, i wish we were closer. i could have helped you. i'm a recovering accountant. i did some tax work. but it sounds like you had and have this handled.
i'm choosing to believe you that it's all going to be okay. i've already slipped through the cracks so my big worries are getting kicked out of low income apt. for screaming at the painbody upstairs or my disability getting taken away. which are very small concerns compared to everyone who has kids and families to think about.
thank you so much for this. it was a virtual walk on the beach for me. i needed it. and, girl, 6 to 1 is excellent!!! love and gratitude
Dynomyte: "This is the essence of changing our micro world, one day at a time; and touching everyone we can with love, and grace, and kindness. Shanti." This is a beautiful line. Thank you.
and wonderful photos!
Michael: Thank you!
Trig: It is positive, in a weird kind of way, isn't it?
JK: I am embarrassed to say, I was only gathering and sorting- still have to pay the accountant:-(
Jimmy: I appreciate you stopping by.
I've fantasized about that Armageddon, Ind. Day, The Day the Earth Stood Still stuff too. But the fact is, I don't think it would bring people together.
[sigh]
But your pics are awesome! I love several of them: The overexposed sunset; the castle in the sky in the pic before that one; the second pic of such a moving sky - aren't ocean atmospheres the best?