Fake Tits Make Me Feel Confident!
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It's now been confirmed that the Miss California pageant funded breast implants for this year's winner. Here's the gist:
Maybe I'm in no position to judge, as I have had fairly normal sized boobs my whole life, but I can't imagine what it must feel like to hate your body so much that you would willingly increase the size of those inconvienient lumps on the front of your body.
However, thanks to the power of imagination, I have been able to come up with a list of ways that I could envision breast implants would improve my life and my self-confidence:
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It's now been confirmed that the Miss California pageant funded breast implants for this year's winner. Here's the gist:
Friday morning a Miss California Pageant official confirmed previous reports that controversial contestant Carrie Prejean received free breast implants, organized and paid for by the pageant, weeks before the Miss USA competition.So, not only is Carrie Prejean an unrepentant homophobe, she also has fake fun bags. Nice. The article goes on to post a full transcript of the exchange between "Early Show" host Maggie Rodriguez, and the Miss California official, Keith Lewis. Allow me to share my favorite quote from Mr. Lewis:
"Well, you know, first off, it's not something that we endorse, nor is it something that we suggest. But when we meet with the titleholder when she's crowned Miss California, we put to her a litany of questions about how she feels about herself, what she feels she needs to work on, what she may need to change, what is good, what is not good. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage."Not to point out the obvious, but wouldn't confidence in yourself and the natural tits God gave you be a fucking prerequisite to winning Miss California in the first place? Of course, I'd also assume that the ability to speak extemporaneously without pissing off half of America would also be a prerequisite for the job, so it just goes to show how little I know.
However, thanks to the power of imagination, I have been able to come up with a list of ways that I could envision breast implants would improve my life and my self-confidence:
- In the event of a water landing, perhaps my giant tits would serve as a flotation device.
- I would be well protected if a football player in full pads came up and wanted to do a celebratory chest bump with me. Bump away, Troy Polamalu, because Jessie's tatas are ready to take you on!
- With a massive set of DD boobs, I'd eliminate the need for a TV tray when watching Grey's Anatomy. I could just balance my popcorn bowl on top of Lucy and Ethel (for that is what I'd call my left and right teats if they were that large).
- I don't enjoy having a healthy back. I want to see what the world of chronic lower back pain is all about.
- I dislike eye contact when conversing with men. Having my co-workers and superiors able to focus on my chest makes it easier for me to feel more confident at work when in meetings.
- I also dislike eye contact when conversing with lesbians. So, enjoy the view, gals.
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Erin Judge
Catherine Forsythe
Emily Holleman
Rebecca Sarwate
Martha Nichols
~R@~
Salon.com
Comments
You know what? We live in a country where you can choose, but I believe the size of your tits should be between a woman and her creator, and everything else is just WRONG.
Hey, that's just the way I was raised.
The comedian wondered aloud if these women were really going to be thrilled to have their young grandsons coming up to them with dollar bills going, "Dance! Dance for me Grandma!"
Gwool, I assume that those fake tits on grandma will still be perfectly round, like little baseballs. They'll just happen to be perfectly shaped baseballs that hang at waist level.
There was not a next date.
Thing one and thing two
Eastern and Western hemispheres
Half Dome and El Capitan
Actually, I had this mental image of adjustable fake tits that you could buy for yourself. I picture them having a little pump on the side where you could inflate or deflate them as needed. You know - like those old Reebok pump basketball shoes from the 90s.
I laughed at your list, but alas, must puncture no. 2 on your list. If I saw a football player coming in for a landing on ME, I'd run like hell because it would STILL hurt.
Alas, no. 3 is also questionable. I've never been able to balance anything on mine. But they are natural, where as implants might provide a steadier platform.
Rated!
If only there was some way that we could alert the pageant officials to this discussion. They need to hear this!
Why am I reminded of the giant mutant boob in Woody Allen's "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex . . ."? Hmmm.
@douglas - A lot of people assume I'm a guy. In real life, I'm a very ambiguously gendered person. I just love guy-related things, so if you follow my musing on football, boobies, and video games, I can see how you'd make that mistake :)
"Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex*..." is one of my favorite comedies of all time. And yeah, the killer runaway boob sketch is classic stuff.
However, breast augmentation, breast reductions and breast "lifts" are sometimes a necessary choice for a discomfort shared by many women for a variety of reasons, including the after affects of nursing their children. It is not all about vanity, except in this media hyped event which sadly influences many young girls into unnecessary surgery very young in life. That is a shame. The flip side is when you have to talk a daughter off the ledge because her breasts are too large and she wants to have serious surgery to reduce their size. That was very painful for her to decide and in the end, she did not go through with it. Her man loves her the way she is and she has learned to do the same. So self esteem issues run both ways on this topic.
One of the best lines I have ever heard on the subject of breast augumentation was from the husband of someone very close to me and had me doubled over in laughter when he said it.
"Men love breasts. They don't care how they get there!"
However please note that it's the idea of making them larger that bothers me. I completely understand the reasons (some of which are health related) behind getting breast reduction surgery.
Anyway, it's on the long list of "Stuff the confused Doug."
Hilarious.
And it makes me wonder, as I'm sure so many others do, what the hell is the point of these pageants anyways? Do they have even an ounce of authenticity? Are people so deprived of any other entertainment that they go to or watch pageants on TV?
@ Skeptic Turtle - I like looking bisexual women in the eyes. It's a kindred spirit thing. However, once they make eye contact, they are also welcome to indulge in the glorious spectacle of my massive mammaries.
Today, in Amerika, it's all fake. BTW, Betty and Veronica.
I admit however, that your reasoning is valid and I totally agree with you re:"water landings" and "tv tray". I love love love not having to wear a bra and think undershirts are comfy. I'm always pulling at my bra, ugh! Those fake bags don't sound like fun to me. Bless you darlin' for writing a clever and SHORT piece! I actually read every word.
I've found that there are two types of women who get the surgery. Either they're getting them for professional reasons -- fake boobies ring the register for those who are involved in adult entertainment. Or they're just plain insecure.
Seriously, if you have to get surgery done in order to make yourself feel good about yourself, you've got some serious self esteem problems.
I love saying that to women when I want to piss them off. They will often bite their tongues but I so know they want to just rip my head off. =)
Rated.