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mad_typist

mad_typist
Location
Alexandria, Virginia, USA
Birthday
September 18
Bio
I'm a liberal secular humanist who enjoys writing, reading, playing video games and watching sports. I am a former member of the Armed Services who now enjoys the sweet sweet freedom of civilian life. My blog will be centered mostly on politics, football and video games. I'm not a professional hater, but I am a highly ranked amateur. Also, yes, I am a girl.

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Editor’s Pick
MAY 5, 2009 7:41AM

Fake Tits Make Me Feel Confident!

Rate: 31 Flag
Fake Tits Make Me Feel Confident!

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It's now been confirmed that the Miss California pageant funded breast implants for this year's winner. Here's the gist:
Friday morning a Miss California Pageant official confirmed previous reports that controversial contestant Carrie Prejean received free breast implants, organized and paid for by the pageant, weeks before the Miss USA competition.
So, not only is Carrie Prejean an unrepentant homophobe, she also has fake fun bags. Nice. The article goes on to post a full transcript of the exchange between "Early Show" host Maggie Rodriguez, and the Miss California official, Keith Lewis. Allow me to share my favorite quote from Mr. Lewis:
"Well, you know, first off, it's not something that we endorse, nor is it something that we suggest. But when we meet with the titleholder when she's crowned Miss California, we put to her a litany of questions about how she feels about herself, what she feels she needs to work on, what she may need to change, what is good, what is not good. We want to put her in the best possible confidence in order to present herself in the best possible light on a national stage."
Not to point out the obvious, but wouldn't confidence in yourself and the natural tits God gave you be a fucking prerequisite to winning Miss California in the first place? Of course, I'd also assume that the ability to speak extemporaneously without pissing off half of America would also be a prerequisite for the job, so it just goes to show how little I know.

Maybe I'm in no position to judge, as I have had fairly normal sized boobs my whole life, but I can't imagine what it must feel like to hate your body so much that you would willingly increase the size of those inconvienient lumps on the front of your body.

However, thanks to the power of imagination, I have been able to come up with a list of ways that I could envision breast implants would improve my life and my self-confidence:
  1. In the event of a water landing, perhaps my giant tits would serve as a flotation device.
  2. I would be well protected if a football player in full pads came up and wanted to do a celebratory chest bump with me. Bump away, Troy Polamalu, because Jessie's tatas are ready to take you on!
  3. With a massive set of DD boobs, I'd eliminate the need for a TV tray when watching Grey's Anatomy. I could just balance my popcorn bowl on top of Lucy and Ethel (for that is what I'd call my left and right teats if they were that large).
  4. I don't enjoy having a healthy back. I want to see what the world of chronic lower back pain is all about.
  5. I dislike eye contact when conversing with men. Having my co-workers and superiors able to focus on my chest makes it easier for me to feel more confident at work when in meetings.
  6. I also dislike eye contact when conversing with lesbians. So, enjoy the view, gals.

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boobs, social, humor

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You had me at "fake fun bags". Now as for calling them "Lucy and Ethel", I might think that's an insult to two real ladies. I might consider calling them Rush and (the Donald). Two of the biggest windbags around. Funny stuff! Rated.
Oh my god, I am gasping and wheezing.

You know what? We live in a country where you can choose, but I believe the size of your tits should be between a woman and her creator, and everything else is just WRONG.

Hey, that's just the way I was raised.
Well played. Very well played. A comedian did a great riff on fake fun bags wondering aloud what it will be like 45 years from now when all these women who have had gravity doing its thing to every other part of their body save for this silicon wonders that could outlast plastic bottles in landfills.

The comedian wondered aloud if these women were really going to be thrilled to have their young grandsons coming up to them with dollar bills going, "Dance! Dance for me Grandma!"
ah, cartouche, but I want to feel AFFECTION for my gals, should I choose to enhance them. So, I think I'll stick with "Lucy and Ethel" for now. :)

Gwool, I assume that those fake tits on grandma will still be perfectly round, like little baseballs. They'll just happen to be perfectly shaped baseballs that hang at waist level.
this is hilarious. And I second VR's excellent comment.
I was afraid the title was serious... This was hilarious!
I remember the first time I felt fake tits. I had no clue going in, so to speak, and I did the tactile equivalent of a double-take and asked my paramour, "are you OK?"

There was not a next date.
I'm okay with ladies and their right to do what they like with their bodies... BUT...this fake boob thing has really gotten outta hand. Around here girls' parents give them boob jobs for high school graduation gifts. I kid you not. I'm sorry...to me that just reeks of "you're not okay the way you are". WTF? Next thing ya know mom and dad will be encouraging them to try out for Rock of Love. GAG!
Until they start paying for brain implants I'm not interested. But having said that...here's a few more suggestions for your prospective fun bag "handles":
Thing one and thing two
Eastern and Western hemispheres
Half Dome and El Capitan
Gee, and I thought it was all about scholarship and not about (false)beauty...silly me!!!
When I want my girl to increase her size I just add more air through the valve stem. She's set at thirty four pounds, but the manual says she can hold up to fifty with no leaks. She's a keeper. God I love her and she never talks back. (can't cook or clean, though. bummer.)
Hee hee, Michael R. Funny image.

Actually, I had this mental image of adjustable fake tits that you could buy for yourself. I picture them having a little pump on the side where you could inflate or deflate them as needed. You know - like those old Reebok pump basketball shoes from the 90s.
Funny, funny post, Mad typist! =o) I'd think confidence and natural boobage AND an ability to answer a question extemporaneously without pissing off half America would be good skills, too. Alas, Beauty Queens seem to value empty heads and full bras rather more than full heads and natural mammary glands.

I laughed at your list, but alas, must puncture no. 2 on your list. If I saw a football player coming in for a landing on ME, I'd run like hell because it would STILL hurt.

Alas, no. 3 is also questionable. I've never been able to balance anything on mine. But they are natural, where as implants might provide a steadier platform.

Rated!
I think there should now be two pageants, one for naturals and one for the enhanced. It's the only way we will appease all sides in this matter that is of utmost importance to us all.

If only there was some way that we could alert the pageant officials to this discussion. They need to hear this!
When do we vote on Miss America? I want to organize a campaign against her.
How dense am I that I thought you were a guy? (For me, the cartoon is ambiguous. Sorry.) Pretty dense.

Why am I reminded of the giant mutant boob in Woody Allen's "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex . . ."? Hmmm.
@shiral - it is my secret desire to someday chest bump an NFL star, I can't lie. As for #3 on my list, if I were to get fake tatas, I'd be sure to specify to the doc that firmness and ability to balance things on them were a priority for me.

@douglas - A lot of people assume I'm a guy. In real life, I'm a very ambiguously gendered person. I just love guy-related things, so if you follow my musing on football, boobies, and video games, I can see how you'd make that mistake :)

"Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex*..." is one of my favorite comedies of all time. And yeah, the killer runaway boob sketch is classic stuff.
It certainly does raise eye brows when a pageant pays for boobs for a contestant with low self esteem over something that touts natural beauty and God given talent.

However, breast augmentation, breast reductions and breast "lifts" are sometimes a necessary choice for a discomfort shared by many women for a variety of reasons, including the after affects of nursing their children. It is not all about vanity, except in this media hyped event which sadly influences many young girls into unnecessary surgery very young in life. That is a shame. The flip side is when you have to talk a daughter off the ledge because her breasts are too large and she wants to have serious surgery to reduce their size. That was very painful for her to decide and in the end, she did not go through with it. Her man loves her the way she is and she has learned to do the same. So self esteem issues run both ways on this topic.

One of the best lines I have ever heard on the subject of breast augumentation was from the husband of someone very close to me and had me doubled over in laughter when he said it.

"Men love breasts. They don't care how they get there!"
Just Cathy - my jokes aside, it's still your body, if that's what a woman wants, fine.

However please note that it's the idea of making them larger that bothers me. I completely understand the reasons (some of which are health related) behind getting breast reduction surgery.
See, Cathy, that's what confuses me about the Hollywood/Modeling female archetype. Guys love breasts. (And butts.) While I have know a very *few* who do, most guys I know would prefer (say) Monica Bellucci to (say) Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought Elle Macpherson looked fab when gained weight for "Sirens." The rest of the time? Beautiful, sure, but some boobs and hips would be nice . . .

Anyway, it's on the long list of "Stuff the confused Doug."
MT - I completely get where you are coming from with the ubber, over-sized DD+ breast implants. That's a separate subject and noted. I often get off on tangents when something inspires me in different directions, as this one did. I got off point, perhaps with personal issues relavant to the subject. That's a risk we face with emotionally charged posts and various personal perspectives.
I laughed. I cried. I want fake tits.
My favorite quote:: "Bump away, Troy Polamalu, because Jessie's tatas are ready to take you on!"

Hilarious.

And it makes me wonder, as I'm sure so many others do, what the hell is the point of these pageants anyways? Do they have even an ounce of authenticity? Are people so deprived of any other entertainment that they go to or watch pageants on TV?
And, mad_typist, are you implying that bisexual women, as well as straight women, would not stare at your enlarged breasts? Are only lesbians and (all) men interested in boobs?
I think tits are great no matter where they come from, really. I've seen God do some really nice work, but DuPont ain't bad either. I don't agree with someone buying a pair of Hindenburgs, but that's up to them. Just don't get made when people stare. Uh, duh. What did you expect?
I stopped judging on this issue when I met a woman stockpiling money for her boob job. She had the chest of a 12 year old and wore boy's clothing because no women's clothes fit. She dreamed of having a woman's body. Each person makes these choices for their own personal reasons. I assume most of us here support reproductive choice. I think we should support choice in all areas of personal concern.
LOL! I wonder if they can implement brain into her pretty head. Clearly her brain is totally out of order. So sad that this woman wants to decide my marriage.
Funny post.......let's remember one woman's foobies can be another woman's botox injections......If I think linear enough on this I will feel guilty about dying my hair or using teeth whitener!!
Many, many giggles, Typist. Fan-fricking tastic.
@The Buzz - life is unfair sometimes, as I often wish I could wear more boyish clothes, but am prevented from doing so because of my body type. I long to look as femme butch chic as Shane from the L Word, but that's not in the cards for me.

@ Skeptic Turtle - I like looking bisexual women in the eyes. It's a kindred spirit thing. However, once they make eye contact, they are also welcome to indulge in the glorious spectacle of my massive mammaries.
"The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -- George Burns

Today, in Amerika, it's all fake. BTW, Betty and Veronica.
Wow girlie, "fake fun bags"...nice illusion! I also have never ever ever wanted big boobs. Oy! My back, my back....pass the Vicodin!
I admit however, that your reasoning is valid and I totally agree with you re:"water landings" and "tv tray". I love love love not having to wear a bra and think undershirts are comfy. I'm always pulling at my bra, ugh! Those fake bags don't sound like fun to me. Bless you darlin' for writing a clever and SHORT piece! I actually read every word.
I know someone who had her boobs done. And she is shallow, insecure, vapid, uninformed, and quite honestly, those fake boobies are pretty much all she has. With them, she's still just blah. Without them, she'd be even more so.

I've found that there are two types of women who get the surgery. Either they're getting them for professional reasons -- fake boobies ring the register for those who are involved in adult entertainment. Or they're just plain insecure.

Seriously, if you have to get surgery done in order to make yourself feel good about yourself, you've got some serious self esteem problems.
Oh, and Z Bitch...is that why they say don't worry your pretty little head about it?

I love saying that to women when I want to piss them off. They will often bite their tongues but I so know they want to just rip my head off. =)
Isn't fake boobs in a beauty pageant kind of like a performance-enhancing drug? Like...I dunno...silicone steroids, or something? She and Manny Rodriguez should both be suspended for the rest of the season.
Amusing. Since you brought up the popcorn topic, the big breasts will catch any errant kernels that fall from your mouth. At least they do for my wife.

Rated.