Everyone grew up believing that Satan was the epitome of evil. But what if he was just misunderstood? He has some really neat names other than Satan : Beelzebub (my personal favorite), Belial, The Devil (very unoriginal), The Beast (how hurtful is that?) and Lucifer (some of you might find this weird as it mean means bringer of light – see? misunderstood).
Now I’m not talking to Christians of the mainstream Protestant and Catholic Churches. The idea of Satan has been debunked even by the Pope. He simply does not exist. However there are many out there who believe that Satan is real and that every word of the Bible is a fact (you know who you are).
So I would like the fundamentalists to reconsider Satan’s role in the Bible and maybe give him a little break. (For the purpose of this essay God will be referred to as him – it’s too difficult to be PC all the time).
What people forget is that God did not create man first, he created the angels. Otherwise how could that salamander have lost his legs in the Garden of Eden – there is some debate, but for the most part, the belief is that it was Satan in his lizard suit. So God created the angels before he created man. These perfect beings who fluttered around looking grand and doing his bidding. Perhaps it was a lack of intellectual conversation, (hard to talk when you are fluttering around), or perhaps he just realized he could do it.
God gave Adam and Eve free will, because he wanted to see how much they would obey him. It didn’t work out so well. Satan disguised as a reptile was ticked at God (naturally so, but still part of a bigger plan on God’s part) went into the Garden of Eden (probably ate a few celestial bugs) then picked on Eve. She was smarter than Adam, and her intellectual curiosity was greater. So he offered her ‘the fruit of knowledge’ which they had been forbidden to eat.
Now what was God doing forbidding them of knowledge and their ‘innocence. (They did look dumb in the fig leaves but I gather they eventually learned to make clothes). Some say she gained free will, but nuts to that. Then Eve wouldn’t have bitten the damn fruit. But she did bite it, and God got royally peeved. What did he expect if he created man and woman? Of course it would be sex! So Eve got the original sin thing. God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden and shut the door. All Satan’s fault of course who may have been just trying to enlighten these dodos.
Most of the angels were happy to have a little free time, but Satan’s feelings were still hurt after proving that humans were fallible. He sat at the right hand of God after all, and suddenly God was off playing with humans. He felt God had more fun with his humans than him even after his little lizard trick. So he gathered together some of the other angels who had felt snubbed by God, and they all agreed it just wasn’t fair.
The story goes that Satan put together an army of angels who noses were also out of joint. I find that hard to believe. What was he going to do with this army? Take away God’s throne? Well, Satan knew he didn’t have the power to do that, (all God had to do was look away from Cain and Abel for a second, and zap him with his finger) or prove the other angels were suckheads. Maybe he just wanted a word with God, about the whole situation but was turned away by the snotty angels. Anyway, the Bible says there was a great battle between the ‘good’ angels and the ‘bad’ led by Lucifer.
Why God let this happen is a mystery to me, unless he needed a bad guy, like Jesus needed Judas (a whole other story). Couldn’t all of this have been settled over a celestial round table, or God just patting Satan on the shoulder and telling him he loved him too? But no, it had to be a massive battle with the Archangel Michael leading his troops to put a major hurt on Satan and his buddies. NOW God steps in and is royally peeved with Satan.
Instead of brokering a peace deal, God strips Satan of his wings, makes him red, gives him horns, cloven feet and worst of all that stupid tail. Then he thrusts him into this new place called Hell that's hot as Hades. At least with his new pigmentation he’d went with the décor. God also took the other 'naughty' angels and threw them into hell as demons, to do Satan’s bidding. Now I say 'bidding', because God left Satan with a hell of a lot of power. Curious, huh?
I think it was a set up. If God didn’t have someone who was angry with him, and tried to thwart him all the time by tempting humans, then you’d have people walking around with glazed eyes, like robots knocking on your door, (oh, right, we already have some of them.) No, God needed Satan. Otherwise there would be nothing to be afraid of spiritually. With Satan, God could have some real action on earth. Temptation, repentance, worship, guilt, blame, but he never reigned Satan in, and as an omniscient, omnipresent being, don’t tell me God couldn’t have snuffed out Satan with a piff of his hand. He was God and Satan was just a fallen angel.
It’s so convenient for humans to have Satan to blame everything they do wrong. Jimmy Swaggart in tears in front of millions of people begging for forgiveness as Satan tempted him and he gave in. I don’t think Satan had time what with creating serial killers, fundamentalists who stand outside gay funerals with signs that say ‘God hates Fags” and general chaos, to be concerned with Jimmy Swaggert’s sexual peccadillos. Swaggert is an obvious example of ‘Satan made me do it’. It is not an unfamiliar claim among fundamentalists.
Nope, Satan is doing God’s bidding. He was made to do so and is doing his job. It’s not a pretty one, but he takes it to heart. I’m sure he still loves God and misses that right hand seat. So he does his best to please him with pestilence and bad stuff. If we were all happy all of the time, we wouldn’t know anything else and would be dumb saps. Then why would we pray to God for thankfulness or mercy? Thank ‘heavens’ for Satan.