Coffee, coffee, coffee. Hardly any of us goes through our day without a cup o’ joe. As we wake up sleepy and crusty eyed, the first thing we think of (with some desperation) is ‘COFFEE!’. We drink what we can at home, on the road, and certainly lord knows how many cups we suck down at the office. It’s worse than crack.

The thing is, coffee, well, makes some of us majorly on the jittery side. So after a day full of coffee I want you to think of all those people driving home from work, hyped on the bean, and then wonder about road rage, fender benders and worse. Is java to blame for some of this behaviour? I think so.

And there’s no escaping it. Friends don’t seem to be able to meet anymore over a coke. Maybe it’s the Starbuck’s ridden world we live in, but now, we meet over COFFEE. Why can’t it be fruit juice, smoothies, or a soft drink? But no, it has to be coffee. (Do we really need to be piped to see a friend?) Steaming cups of addictive poison that make us drive weirdly and snap at our office colleagues (as we pour another cup from the coffee machine).

Let’s face it. It just isn’t good for you. Your heart is not supposed to beat at 160 beats a minute, and it’s akin to having run the 100 yard dash as the result of an addiction. I blame Starbuck's. Yes, I do. On every damned corner is a that damned green circle with the hippy lady in the middle and people sucking back seven dollar lattes. And if it’s not Starbuck's (we have our own franchises) it’s Perk’s, or Second Cup, or some poor soul who thinks his/her coffee is going to sell around these giants, and sets up a little coffee shop with some nice pastries. They don’t last long. Starbuck's is noted for easing out the little guy, sometimes even convincing the landlord to either raise the rent (because SB will pay more) or not renewing a lease. Who could turn down STARBUCK'S. (Please see Naomi Klein’s book ‘No Logo’. Despite their rainforest friendliness they are sharks in the business world).

So we twitch our way through the day, adding more and more of this brown gold into our system and the kids and spouse wonder why we’re so whoope dee doo when we get home. 'Let's see how far little Johnny can fly if Daddy throws him in the air?' Even after supper, the question is ‘Would you like coffee?’ You’ve just had a day of the stuff coursing through your veins and the last thing you should be hearing is that coffee after dinner is yummy.

So go to decaffeinated. ‘Ah, that’s for wussies, I need the real thing to keep me going through the day’ as we flex our caffeinated muscles. There’s something ‘tough’ about drinking lots of coffee. Like we are so busy we need it just to keep us going, when in reality, most of us sit on our butts at a computer all day. Maybe it’s a break in the boredom of sitting on our butts all day, that there is the ‘coffee break’ (now think of that – not recess, not just ‘break’, but COFFEE BREAK). And yes, some people have tea or a soft drink on their ‘coffee break’ (the smart ones), but most hit the black stuff.

(I just heard my spouse come down the hall to her studio with a home made latte, and an “mmm MMMM”. You can’t  escape it.)

Coffee has always been a part of my life. My first job we went through those giant coffee machines at least twice a day. Hepped up, man, hepped up. Get the job done. More recently, I’ve noticed that I seemed to get particularly hyper. Once on a shrink visit, she asked me if I drank coffee. 'Yes', I replied, as I tried to climb her wall like a gecko, 'but only two cups in the morning', (of really black Costa Rican coffee). She replied  ‘I think you might want to stop that and actually see if the drugs work on their own.’ I went home hangfaced, thinking ‘what’s the POINT of decaf coffee? Coffee was not meant to have the drug removed?’

I know some people go through terrible caffeine withdrawal when they quit coffee. Headache, shaky hands – all sorts of unpleasant side effects. My spouse tried decaf and got one of the worst headaches of her life. I was lucky. I actually decided to try the decaf on my doctor’s advice. I went cold turkey ladies and gents, and suffered no ill effects. (Well okay, kinda drowsy and a bit of a headache).

So now, I don’t have to act tough although the ‘let’s go for a coffee deal, gets me some pathetic looks when I ask for decaf. ‘Aw, poor thing, can’t take the ‘pure’ stuff. Must have a heart condition’.  

But now I glory in my decaf. I still can have my free trade Costa Rican beans, and drink a whole damned pot of it (perked of course) and not even feel an inkling of desire to open my window, climb on the ledge and yell ‘I’m QUEEN OF THE WORLD!’.