There’s been a lot of breast posts lately, and rightly so. Whether it be breast feeding or breast cancer, our breasts can be our friend or foe.

I am adopted, and although not obsessed with finding my bio-mom, wanted to know all the family’s medical history (my bio-dad seems to be long gone) and perhaps a few facts about the family itself. We do not have open adoption in Nova Scotia, so one has to go through social services, they then track down bio-mom or dad. You then send a letter  addressed to the bio-parents and social services check if the parent wishes to have the letter. She  was willing to receive my first attempt at contact 11 years ago via the letter only.

I have NO blame whatsoever to place upon my bio-mom. None of this ‘you gave me away’ business. I ended up with parents that if you could choose, you would choose. It must have been awful being pregnant and unmarried at the age of 18 in 1957. I told her so in my letter, and thanked her for giving me up to such fine parents. It was a nice letter. She responded to social services that there had been a ‘death in the family’ and that all she would do was to provide some medical history. Fair enough. I had a father and grandfather both die of emphysema (I then quit smoking) and 4 aunts who had breast cancer. The survival rate was not included.

In Nova Scotia, we have free mammograms. At a certain age, they pick up the rate that they do them. I’m in that age group. But they are only concerned with immediate family when it comes to even more mammograms, and as my bio-mom had not had breast cancer at last contact,  I was happy to go for only my yearly visits (well no one is happy to have a mammogram). I’ve been clear each time.

Then for some reason, eleven years later, I had the urge to see someone who looked like me. Find out who did what in the bio-family, was anyone else plagued by a bipolar disorder and did I have siblings. Again this was not a stay up at night fretting sort of thing, just a thing. So social services told me to send them another letter and they would see if she would receive it. Uh uh, no way. According to the social worker she sounded frail (she would be only in her early 70’s) and didn’t even want the letter. And to think I had included such a cute picture of me with my dog. She did mention as a reason for not seeing me or receiving the letter that she had high blood pressure  and – had a bout with breast cancer.

I nearly hit the roof. It was the first time I was actually angry with bio-mom. She could have easily picked up the phone and asked SS to pass this on to me, knowing it was critical information. But no, she kept it to herself, because she was frail. I understand she may not have been well, but it doesn’t take much to make a phone call. If she was so detailed in her first encounter with social services, I fail to see how she would think her breast cancer would have nothing to do with me. Perhaps it was ignorance (maybe she lives in a trailer with a black velvet Elvis Presley on the wall), or perhaps it was just not giving a damn.

If I hadn’t made the second effort to see her, or even speak to her – I would never have known.

I had a mammogram recently. They ask the usual questions first, “have you had breast implants, lalalala”. Then the big one comes – ‘do you have immediate family that have had breast cancer’. ‘Yes, my mother has’. The pause. “Oh, well then we’ll have to do more frequent mammograms on you considering your age and family history’. Thank god.

I’m still mad at bio-mom, first for being a wimp, second for putting my life at risk. I no longer smoke (an occasional Cuban cigar), I lost 75 lbs to deal with blood pressure, diabetes, and cholesterol, and now have more frequent mammograms. There’s a part of me that just waits for the 'you have a lump' and although I don't dwell on these things, I feel it will be  inevitable…but at least they may catch it very early thanks to the multitude of mammograms.

She may have saved my life – but only out of the attempt to not see me – mentioned it as a reason. This is not good enough. For all you adopted people out there, push hard to find out if your bio moms (or dads if available) have serious medical conditions. It may save your life.