CSI- Las Vegas premiered in 2000 and has remained one of the most popular shows on network TV. We also now have CSI: New York and the reprehensible (thank you David Caruso) CSI:Miami. All bad and unbelievable. Yes, I know it's TV, but please give us a modicum of reality.

The labs in Vegas are all elegant glassed in rooms which hold the most state of the art equipment that a CSU (as they are properly called) in a city the size of Los Angeles would give their eyeteeth for. I saw a brief clip of the real Las Vegas Crime Lab and it looks like our high school chemistry lab. Guys in plaid shirts walking around with test tubes. No tits, no glitz. On the show,everyone is dressed casual designer dressy except for Catherine (Marg Helgenberger) who looks like she just stepped out of a casino from a night long date (necklines down to HERE, ladies and gents). Yes, again, I know it’s television, but please, little black dresses with lace around the boob line to pull evidence from dessicated bodies? The stupid thing above all, is that there is ONE cop on the beat here. The CSI team are not only forensic experts, they get to run around with guns and catch the bad guy. In one double episode, one of their own guys (Nick) gets kidnapped. Now naturally that would go to the FBI. But oh, no – not on CSI. The FORENSIC team put themselves in charge of the search and investigation. Not even the cops let alone the FBI.

Okay, I still watch it sometimes, but it's usually a dull night and Marg Hellenberger's clothes ARE a draw. Guess that's why they use them.

I like Gary Sinise so I won’t be too hard on CSI: New York other than the fact that I find the characters and plots boring and as in the Las Vegas show, they run around with guns and arrest people instead of, oh – say the police? And what is a terrific actor like Sinise doing on a dumb show? At least Vincent D’Onofrio went to TV on a superb version of Law and Order: CI. Gary deserves better, but maybe the money is better too.

It is CSI: Miami that is the most execrable. I don’t care how many women (and maybe men) find David Caruso sexy – he is a bad actor. Without sticking his hands on his hips, removing his sunglasses and talking through his teeth, he has to be the worst main character on any TV show in history. Really. He is pretty damned lucky to have nailed this gig – as we all remember when he ‘left’ NYPD Blue to pursue a career in the movies. (He had started his career in some little known films). Well that turned out not so well. After two leading actor roles in disastrous films, he was relegated largely to a few supporting roles and then – well, not a lot of anything. No big movie star or Oscar winning career for him. Then some bright light decided he'd be perfect on CSI: Miami. Ye gods.He’s back now, acting as he always did. Badly.

Another bad show is Criminal Minds. It involves the Behavioural Analysis Unit of the FBI. Again, guys who should be at police briefings or at their desks, are out running around with guns, rescuing people from serial killers, and catching the culprits. How stupid do the TV writers think we are? I know the real BAU are a brilliant bunch of guys. But would they be called in on a simple murder in a small town? Don’t cops do ANYTHING on these shows (excepting Law and Order). The whole thing is ridiculous with Aaron Hotchner, the head of the team, never once cracking a smile the whole season. Has he seen worse horror than the others? Joe Mantegna as David Rossi seems to have had a lot more experience with nasty stuff – but still gives us a smile from time to time without the furrowed brow of a Neanderthal. It can’t be fun working these cases, but at the same time, most cops will say – you have to detach a little and find some humor, Not with our guys. They just love them guns and taking themselves way too seriously.

Law and Order is a fine franchise. But Law and Order SVU spoils the record. They’ve run out of sex-crimes so that anyone found dead and naked means they get called in. Oh, not sexually molested? No problem, we’ll solve the crime anyway. Christopher Meloni as Elliott Stabler is just a jerk. It may be a question of bad direction but all he seems to do these days (it started out not so badly) is act self-righteous and let his jaw twitch to indicate ‘frustration’ or ‘anger’ (surprising as he was excellent on Oz.) Mariska Hargitay, well let’s be honest – she’s a babe. The daughter of Mickey Hargitay (kind of a thug I understand) and the ill fated Jayne Mansfield, she has a face to die for. The problem is, (and I don’t care how many awards they give her) she’s as carboard as, well…cardboard. Her facial expression rarely changes (we get worry, fear, and smiles) and her voice borders on the monotone. The stories are now badly written and take such circuitous routes that sometimes I forget what the original crime was – or it becomes irrelevant.

With such top notch shows as The Good Wife (great acting and writing), Fringe (fun and spooky) and Flashpoint (great sci fi with superb writing). I don’t know why anyone watches these bad cop shows. They are just silly. But no, year after year they are rated some of the most popular shows on TV.

And there’s so many more bad shows out there it makes one shudder. Have you ever made it through an episode of ‘Doc’? It’s like Little House on the Prairie but with, of all people, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Thank god for HBO.