Psst! Hey you, Ed. Ed Harris! It’s me madcelt. Yeah, you Ed, with the blazing blue eyes and that chiseled face. I’m writing this Open Call Salon thing about the sexiest man alive (a little cheesy I know) and it kind of prompted me to stalk you…I mean find you. Man, you look good in person. No pretty boy here, just a manly man.
I’ve always thought you were a great actor – you’ve done some iffy films (not many) but you are never mediocre. A muted actor, who can play nasty (A History of Violence) or sympathetic (The Hours) you never go over the top. I first saw you in The Right Stuff, Ed and fell in love then. You were a great John Glenn, but you were better looking than him. The slow way you move…purposefully. That you don’t say more than you have to is a real turn on. Again, you are a true manly man – Johnny Depp may be gorgeous, but you twirl my gonads.
Now I know you’ve been married to Amy Madigan for 28 years and have a kid, BUT…isn’t a change in order? Let’s grab the kid and head for the hills. Yeah, you and me. I know I’m a lesbian, Ed…no need to point that out, but I think I could change teams for you.
Your voice is to dream for – on the deep side, and your acting is so subtle it changes more in the way you say it, than in a mass of histrionics. Sexy. You are the actor’s unactor. You have been called the most overlooked actor of your time, but you have been finally and more recently nominated for Academy Awards and directed Pollock. Finally some notice of my guy.
Yes, Ed – my guy, with the high cheekbones,(I can’t help mentioning those eyes again.) Not blue pools, but blue ice.
C’mon Ed – Amy will be fine – take a chance, I’m sure we’d have an exquisite life together. You acting, me standing on the sidelines cheering you on. You could even get drunk like you did in Pollock and I would still think you were sexy. (By the way, you even look good in a beard, but I prefer to see that strong chin).
You are without a doubt, the sexiest man alive – you’re a real GUY. Understated, a true artist in your craft, and without a doubt, look like you just got off a horse with a cowboy hat. Oh, you did, right, Appaloosa.
Let’s go now Ed, while Amy’s not looking. Uh, what’s with the security guards? Ed! Ed! Ed! I LOVE YOU!