It struck me the other day, that our world is a'changin'.  Now, I know some have told me that I'm behind the times, and other have downright accused me of bigotrymism and homophobitism.  And that just ain't so.  But, such blowhard kerfuffle did get me thinking.  So, I come up with these 10 reasons why I know I'm tolerant of the queers. 

1)  I think Richard Simmons is okay.  Now, he dresses like some rogue member of that military force over there at the Pope's place in Italy (I think they're called the Swiss Chard), but he does nothing but help fat people get less fat.  You gotta admire that in a person.

2)  I used to call queers "faggots."  Now I don't.  I realize some of them get their feelings all hurt and all, and being I'm a decent man, I don't really like doing that.  I mean, it's their own damn fault for liking some other guy or gal, but that's no reason to put'em down, I reckon.  So, I figure they are queer, as in different, so they shouldn't take offense at being called such.  My wife says they want to be called gays, but I don't know how they can be happy and queer at the same time.

3)  I have a secret crush on the Dixie Chicks.  I know they have to be lesbos because they have said decidely un-American things.  You remember what they said about our dearly departed W, and on stage no less!  In a foreign freakin' country!  Jeeay-sus!  Sorry.  Now, that Toby Keith, he's true blue, and some folks criticized him for speaking out against the Chicks so harshly, but you know what?  It's a free country, and folks can say what they want to.  Anyway, for awhile there, their hair was way too short, and they even sang a song about killin' a man!  But, I still think they're kinda cute, in a slutty way, so if I like'em, that's a good sign towards my tolerance.

4)  Women kissing women is okay by me.  Now, I puke when I see a guy kissing another guy--that just ain't right--but a woman on a woman.  Well, don't tell my ball-and-chain, but that can be downright erotic.  I might even flagellate myself sometimes.

5)  Remember that show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" I think it was?  I liked it.   Well, I thought all them boys was nasty, but they did have some decent ideas about grooming and clothes and such.  They were a bit boisterous, and I thought it weird that they didn't mind the whole world knowing they was fag--queer.  Still, when they taught that one man how to dress in shirts other than those lumberjack-looking ones, I thought he looked good at the end.  By the way, I might also note that this very show that was no doubt thought up, produced, and executed by homo-sexuals called itself "queer."

6)   When I was growing up, I surely loved me some Rock Hudson.  Now, that was a man's man.  Of course, it turns out that he got gay and all, so that kinda ruined things.  But, my point is that if I liked Rock Hudson (and so did lots and lots of women), then being different like he turned out to be can't be all bad.

7)  I don't think you can catch queerness.  Now, a lot of my friends argue like heck that I'm wrong, but I've done my google research on this topic.  Turns out that catching this disease isn't possible because, technically, it's not considered a disease.  Now, I know lots of folks who pray in churches that their kids don't catch the homo bug, that God spare them from such trial and tribulation, but that notion is just wrong.  It's plain to see that becoming a homo-sexual deviant starts at home.  If you don't teach your children well then they might pick up the wrong idea from people like art and music teachers, or most especially, those drama folks.  Anybody who can act like somebody else is most assuredly queer.

8)  Some of my best friends are homos.  Okay, maybe  not my best friends, but I do have some acquaintances who are different like that.  Let's see, there's, umm. . .hmmm. . .there's. . .oh, yeah, Bernie over at the mens' shop in town.  Sometimes we tease him and call him Bernice since he sure seems to take a heightened interest in checking our inseams.  He's got that high forehead and beady eyes, and he's clammy--if there ever was a queer guy, he's it.  But, you know what, he's a seemingly decent guy.  I can talk to him when I'm there, and he pretty much seems like any other guy.  I saw him waving to me the other day across the street, and I think he might've been trying to catch me to talk to me, but I was in a hurry, you know?  There are a couple of others, too, whose names just escape me for now. 

9)  They make some fine food.  There's a catering outfit over in the next county that makes some of the best BBQ you ever had in your life.  Oh, my gosh, it is finger-lickin' good!  And I know for a fact the whole lot of them is queer.  The two main cooks have been "buddies" for a long time, while the business manager has the shortest dang hair I ever saw on a woman--it's all spiky and bleached and everything.  She has bunches of earrings coming out of more than just her ears, too:  nose, mouth, and if rumors are correct, her bosom-tips.  Together, they make a really great team, and like so many their of their kind, cooking comes as natural to them as NASCAR racing does to me.  Again, some of my friends and fellow church members won't eat anything from them because either they think it's wrong to eat food prepared and served by queers or, worse, my friends think they'll get that AIDS virus thing.  Not me.  I figure the good Lord allowed them enough grace to make a living for themselves, and if it's good enough for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, it's good enough for me.  Besides, I know they wear latex gloves when handling the food.

10)  Finally, I actually believe that sexual diversifiers (I made that one up) should be allowed to have kids.  You heard right.  Queers should have kids.  For example, you see all them African kids starving in Africa and other places?  They could use a good home, and since most homos either have AIDS or are gonna get it, it won't hurt none to bring some of those kids here.  And there are lots more out there beyond Africa, too.  There are all those special needs kids in foster homes, and the juvies who are shuttle from one detention center to another.  They don't have much hope, anyway, so does it really matter if homos take care of them?  What have they got to lose?

 Well, that's it.  That's my 10 things.  If there is one thing George Bush taught me is that we need to be unificators.  I just hope we can all get along in the future.  Thanks for listening.