Sometimes, what’s good for the goose is just horrible for the gander.

Gentlemen, if you’re in a relationship with a woman for any length of time, there’s a good chance that someday she’ll want you to try wearing some kind of men’s lingerie.  Don’t do it.  I am the voice of experience, and you must listen to me.  I tried it twice, with two different girlfriends, because I’m a slow learner.

Elise was the kind of girl who just wanted to try everything.  I applaud and encourage that kind of enthusiasm.  However, when I donned the jockstrap-inspired garment she’d procured in a moment of lust, it momentarily sucked my reserves of testosterone dry.  I looked bloody ridiculous.

A couple of years later, I was dating a wealthy and powerful older woman.  I suspect she figured the tiny, tight red briefs she presented to me would help me achieve her image of a “boy-toy”.  She was wrong.  I looked bloody ridiculous.

Why Men’s Lingerie is a Bad Idea

Have a look at the examples below.  What’s the first thing you notice, men?

That’s correct.  You do not look like that.

I don’t look like that, and I’m excessively proud of sporting essentially the same body I enjoyed in college, give or take 5 pounds.  Plus, I have man hair.

Could you look like that?  Yes, you could.  With a mere three hours of gym time per day, and an unhealthy relationship with your razor.

What’s the next thing you notice?  Yes, very good.  These silly things are at their worst when a man is at his best.

Lingerie on a man is supremely impractical.  Male nether physiology changes significantly, in response to certain stimuli, such as proximity to a woman.  Or thoughts of a woman.  Or waking up in the morning.  Or anticipation of a filet mignon, or other random, inexplicable things.

And when that happens, and you’re confined and constrained by unmentionables designed by evil individuals who think of men as soft, the result is acute pain and a degree of panic.  Your hand must rush south to free the beast.  And then what do you have?  A missile halfway out of its silo.  A groundhog peeking out of its den.  A man looking bloody ridiculous and feeling foolish.

Manufacturers and marketers are determined, however, to find the magic design that enhances, rather than reduces, a man’s sexual attractiveness.  They have all failed spectacularly.

Here are two more shining examples of ideas that should never have seen the light of day.  One helpfully inserts pearls in a man’s derrière.  The other is constructed of some form of see-through mesh, to give you a sense of what a hairy snake looks like as roadkill.  (I made that photo small to protect your eyes and digestion.)

Even the Christians are into male lingerie.  Below is something from a website with the tagline:  “Passion for God.  Passion for Marriage.  Passion for Family.”  I’m not sure what the takeaway lesson is, other than the impression that Evangelical men might be humble for obvious and unfortunate reasons.

The lengths to which hawkers of male lingerie will go are outrageous and inexplicable.

I mean, Holy God!  What the hell is this?  Was Cheney involved in designing this?

What Bedroom Attire is Acceptable?

I’m glad you asked, because the answer is simple.  There are three things a man can wear in intimate moments, to retain his pride and look magnificent.

·       You may wear silk pajamas.  You will look sexy and sophisticated.  They feel nice, too.

·       You may wear silk boxer shorts.  Assuming you’re in reasonably good shape and have lost the gut, you’ll showcase your muscles and size, while leaving plenty of expansion room.  She’ll get the point (!), and you won’t risk breaking anything important.

·       And you may always stand proudly nude, heads held high, and help your woman count to one, over and over.  There you go.  That’s a man!

###