Look, we can agree that men are idiots.  But let’s please allow men to be idiots in their own, familiar ways.  Egotism, triumphalism, obliviousness. Covetousness, sloth, unfocused aggression and obsession with trivia and the banal.  These are where we excel.  It’s enough.  Men don’t need more failings and foolishness.  We’re full up.  So why are fashion houses trying to hard to add “fashion victim” to the list?

Men must learn to avoid egregious, cruel fashion errors.  Here’s how.

1.     Never read about “fashion”.  If you read about new fashions, it is possible that you will be left with the impression that real, normal people will wear these… things.  You might even spend your hard-earned money on purchasing one.  That would be a mistake.  Your dollars should be invested, as always, in generating more dollars, controlling people, risky pastimes and getting close to interesting women.

2.     Never buy anything when you’re under the influence of an attractive sales associate.  Their gushing praise and masterful manipulation of your manly self-image will override your perception of stupidity.  That’s how I walked out of a Houston boutique $120 poorer, with a frilled (yes, frilled) ivory silk shirt.  Another time, I became the proud owner of an oddly-cut suit in a color I couldn’t define when I heard it.  Orange was involved, I think.  Damn you, evil, flirty sales lady!

3.     Don’t go clothes shopping until you know what you need.  Think about it first, and do it properly.  “I need a blue suit, some socks, a golf shirt and jeans,” is good pre-shopping thinking.  “Maybe I’ll update my wardrobe,” is a step toward the cliff.

4.     Always remember that fashion designers hate you just as much as they hate women.  They revel in their hate and contempt.  They laugh in their Gulfstreams at the cretins who overheat their gold cards on garments that invite ridicule.

How bad can it get?  Have a look.

I shake my head in wonder.  As previously noted, Jean Paul Gaultier is bent on eliminating men as a gender. 

This suit was apparently commissioned by the Society for Patriotic Anorexics.

This is what Calvin Klein advertised in the New York Times over the weekend.  He seems to have predicted that in order to enforce the Obama Death Panels, we’ll need legions of haunted models to form neo-Stalinist SWAT teams.

Oh, come on, now!  Turbans?  Seriously?  Unless justified by your religious or cultural background, a turban just makes you look like you swapped your adolescent adoration of the Che and his beret for a Gaddafi-crush.

They hate you, the designers.  Do you believe me yet?  This one was created for some fashion house by a roofer with a duct tape fetish.  Even the model knows he’s wearing humiliation, not clothing.

“What to Wear” Made Easy

Gentlemen, clothes do make the man.  Think liberally and dress conservatively.  What you wear sends signals to the world.  Make sure those signals are clear, and that they serve your purposes.  “I am strong and reliable.  I can handle things.  You’ll have to date me for awhile before you know where I’m screwed up.”

Here’s what to wear:

·       Decent suits.  You need at least 3 or 4 of the best you can afford, well-tailored to show off what’s good about you and hide what’s not.  In normal, boring colors, such as blue, black and grey.  Add a blue blazer and a conventional sport jacket or two.

·       Khakis (or equivalent) and subdued casual shirts.  America started “casual Friday” and it’s gone global.  This is now another uniform from Shenzhen, to Santiago and back to San Francisco.

·       Jeans and T-shirts.  Just buy Levis.  No skinny-jeans; if your legs are that thin, you need some exercise, such as standing occasionally.  Skinny jeans are for emo guys who try to attract women with their hobbies of smoking cigarettes and crying.  No designer jeans; they’re for morons with too much money, who also buy $30 hamburgers topped with foie gras.

·       Anything else that helps you handle temperature, weather and specialized activities that you actually engage in.  (No cowboy boots unless you ride.  Sorry.)

Being men means that dressing ourselves is supposed to be easy.  It’s one of the gifts to us from God and Evolution.  We need to be aware, every couple of years, if ties and lapels are getting a little wider or a little slimmer.  We need to make sure that our clothes are in good repair, and that we look tidy, sharp and reasonably prosperous, whether we are or not.  And we don’t need designers’ help looking like fools.  We’ll find our own ways to make that happen, sure enough.

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