One of the major irritants of modern life is people doing things for which they are not certified or qualified.  Medical care in this country may be expensive, but the quality is generally good, thanks to stringent certification standards and regulatory oversight.  Home renovation is a pulsating disaster, because any idiot with a hammer can claim to be a builder.

Every day in America, we suffer from the many insults and injuries of badly planned and badly performed sex.  It’s time to end this outrage.  It’s time to introduce a national sex license.

Indulging in intimate activities is not a right, but rather a privilege of our citizenship.  After all, the federal government maintains our armed forces, in order to protect our ability to get it on safely within our shores.  Governments ensure we have electricity, so that when we’re ready for love we can turn off our lights, or turn on our… devices.  Governments maintain roads and other transport networks that allow us to reach our love partners, and get from point A to point B to spot G.

The fact is, a license to bonk is as normal and correct as a license to catch a fish, own a dog, or drive a car.

The impact on public finances from the introduction of a licensing fee would be distinctly salutary.  Given an estimated sexually active population of close to 200 million, a reasonable fee schedule could generate tens of billions of dollars in revenue each year – a useful annual contribution to reducing the trillion-dollar federal deficit.

Some will suggest, inevitably, that enforcement of the licensing law will be difficult.  Those people will be wrong.  Enforcement of the sex license can be achieved easily through three simple mechanisms.

1.     Audits: Some people cheat on their taxes.  Some people get away with it, some of the time.  But the IRS audits a percentage of the population, and the sanctions are severe for those who are caught.  As a result, most people comply.  The same audit procedure can be applied to sex licenses.  If you claim not to have had sex in a given calendar year, but the auditors can show that you have purchased, say, a condom or related item, the burden of proof will be on you to show that such item was not employed for the obvious purpose.

2.     Detector Vans:  The United Kingdom pays for the BBC via a TV licensing fee of £145.50 (approximately $214).  Over the decades, the UK government has frequently warned citizens about the detector vans cruising British streets, using secret technology to identify scofflaws enjoying unlicensed televisions.  We could do the same, achieving excellent deterrence via a small fleet of vans outfitted with technology to detect Barry White music, female-friendly sweet alcoholic beverages, as well as grunts, shrieks and other verbal ejaculations within certain frequency ranges.

3.     Random License Checks:  Arizona has quite logically deduced that since some illegal immigrants look Latino, random checks of people who look Latino may identify some illegal immigrants.  Similarly, it would not be difficult for enforcement officers to apply random sex license checks to motel guests, women wearing thongs, or men purchasing flowers.

Naturally, it is important that we differentiate among different classes of sexually active people.  Teenagers will be required to take classes, and complete written and simulation tests to prove they understand the “rules of the road”.  Graduated licensing will apply, so teens will be limited initially to partners within 4 years of their own age, and no more than one partner at a time.

Commercial licenses, for those who provide such services professionally, will be more expensive and will require additional training and education.

As with motorcycle licenses, those who engage in more intricate or high-risk practices must receive special certification, and will pay more.  This would include practitioners of bondage, those who maintain extramarital relationships, and men who date difficult women.

It is abundantly clear that the establishment of a national sex licensing program is both timely and appropriate.  It will help fill government coffers.  And it will help eliminate the unpleasantness of encountering unqualified, unskilled or unsanitary partners – an experience many have suffered, sometimes to lasting regret.

I am confident the new US Sex License program will lead to increased national happiness and prosperity.