When we were young boys, our fathers frowned on male crying. They taught us that crying is a sign of weakness, and men should be strong. They insisted that we keep a stiff upper lip, and keep the emotional drama to a minimum.

Well, our fathers were absolutely right. And they would be stunned into disgusted speechlessness by today’s apparent trend to encourage men to “let it all out”. Honestly, gentlemen. Must we really tear down the entire edifice of masculinity?

In Britain, the place where the stiff upper lip was invented, for heaven’s sake, a recent survey suggested 71% of men are comfortable crying - in public! The survey was commissioned, naturally, by Clinton Cards, purveyors of stuffed animals, greeting cards featuring other people’s bad poetry, and other commercial treacle.

In response to this survey, adding impotence to injury, was Max Davidson of The Telegraph. In a piece titled,  “Go on, chaps, have a good cry” he claims that the lachrymose lads of those sinking islands “represent a lot that is good in modern Britain.”

And we’re not far behind in America, if our new Speaker of the House has anything to sob about it. It seems nearly every time I flip to CNN, Speaker Boehner has found a new reason to blubber about something or other. We have got to do something about the spectacle of this orange-skinned man with his face screwed up and eyes dewy. Someone pour him a Scotch and Xanax.

Now, to be fair, there are circumstances in which it is acceptable for a man to cry. Here’s a guide.

Is it okay for a man to cry in front of others when…

• You've lost a loved one (pets included)? Yes, of course.
• You're discussing crimes against humanity? Yes.
• You've just been wedded to the woman or man you love? Yes, but only briefly.
• You've been struck in the testicles? Yes, but only soundlessly.
• Your sports team has just won the championship? You get ONE tear. Hugging is fine. No kissing.
• Your sports team has just lost the championship? No. This is a time for swearing and wall-punching.
• You're watching a sad movie? No. Suck it up, Susie.

Cry in private, please 

In virtually all other situations, it is a terrible, terrible thing for men to cry in public. If you absolutely must cry, due to circumstances beyond your control, then please rush to seclusion and do it where there are no witnesses.

Crying is something a man should generally do in private, like passing gas or masturbating.

The antithesis of this solid manly counsel, you should know, is a group of California men (it would have to be California, wouldn’t it?) who run something called – I kid you not – “Men of Tears”.

Men of Tears want us to know that “re-owning our tears can make a huge difference on the planet.” So they invite us to Men of Tears Circles, in which we penis-owners are encouraged to… apparently, sit in a circle and cry at each other.

In a YouTube video, one of their sobspeople asserts, as confidently as one can with lip a-tremble, that he knows the reason for our post-9/11 military adventures.  “We’ve been at war for 9 years… and it’s because we couldn’t cry,” he says.

Really? I thought a bunch of evil foreign religious fanatics and a gang of over-excited, bad-strategist jackasses in Washington might have had something to do with that. It never occurred to me that if we’d just had a big nationwide weep, all would have been well. 

Men of Tears now have ambitious plans to offer their programs “in schools, prisons, corporate board rooms, and other venues and cities.”

God help us.

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