As a New Yorker, and as a man, of course I’m excited about the new fall fashions for women. It’s nearly autumn, and I want to know about the things in which the gals will soon be wreathed, wrapped, buttoned and zipped.

I’ve done an in-depth review of the designers’ latest, and to save you time, I’ve prepared this handy summary.

I’ve also made a very interesting discovery – about which we should all be aware, because it has to do with sexual relations. Specifically, with whom you’re going to be having them. And a clever, nefarious plot to influence that choice.

The first thing you should know about is the important decision the big fashion designers made, when they got together for their most recent cabal meeting. It was held in the spring at the Best Western East Brunswick, New Jersey. (A good choice – just off the Turnpike, steps away from Red Lobster.)

Best Western East Brunswick. Pets allowed, complimentary breakfast (not for pets).

The designers reached agreement that, while hawking their threads to the distaff set is important, it is equally important to do so while ensuring that the models employed look as hideously repellent to men as possible.

And now…. to the runways! We’ll have a look at some of the highlights for fall 2011 ready to wear. Or as I like to refer to it, while looking bored and terribly insider-y, RTW. Let’s get started, shall we?

Life is bleak, and there is no hope. Give up now.  

Helmut Lang’s fall line is nothing less than a triumph. With a fanciful palette ranging from white, to black, with a dollop of stunning gray, he has graced us with a vision of woman without all the distracting elements (e.g. curves, hair, breath, circulating blood).

Few know that the roots of this coup came more than two decades ago, when the garments that would serve as prototype were smuggled out of East Germany’s Berlin-Hohenschönhausen Stasi prison. Lang had the foresight to buy the innovative clothing samples on the spot, for 15 West German marks and a half-pack of Dresden Tobacco Factory’s famous f6 cigarettes.

Evil Galactic Overlord has HAD IT with men who DON’T LISTEN 

What does the future hold? Christian Dior knows! Resplendent in a heavy, warlike cloak of some kind of blue and some kind of purple, the Mistress of Tomorrow has some news for the men of today. And she and her shock troops are going to come door-to-door to invite you for a friendly little chat.

Anorexic ex-wife is wearing your golf membership (and your health insurance!) 

This one from Marc Jacobs is for you fat, lazy, good-for-nothing husbands out there. You know what you did. And if you don’t, she’s not going to tell you. But baby, the carnival is so over. She is coming after you with a multi-ethnic legal team that stretches from Anglo-Saxon to Zoroastrian. And you’re paying for every billing minute. And they all charge $500 an hour. Except for the ones who charge $700 an hour. Hope you like your new studio walk-up and Beefaroni!

Homicidal cutie in barf green 

Now this little number from Burberry features a short coat that’s actually kind of cute, if you can get past the color – which is reminiscent of that unfortunate night in college when you did too many Jäger shots, then scarfed down a can of cold Progresso Green Split-Pea Soup. It just wouldn’t stay down, remember?

No, what’s remarkable about this one is the programmed-psychopath affect of the chosen model. You just know you’re going to wake up one night and find her standing there. Holding a giant pair of garden shears. You know what’s coming next, don’t you? But look on the bright side: you’ll have a lovely soprano singing voice!

And Now: The Secret Gay Plot

Over the years, many commentators have noted the fact that designers seem to enjoy the way their creations hang on extra-skinny models, who don’t really align with the generic male ideal of a female form. Some have remarked on the lack of emotion runway models tend to display. A few have even made mention of the fact that in recent seasons, models are doing their little turns on the catwalk cloaked in singularly unattractive clothing and countenances.

Very simply, it’s a homosexual recruitment campaign.

That’s right. They need more gays. And it’s completely understandable, if you look at it from the gays’ perspective. Consider this:

Fact: Scientific research shows that the percentage of gays in society is essentially stable.

In other words, their market share is stalled. That’s no good. As a businessman, I’d call it intolerable. You have to grow your market share.

Fact: The homosexual enterprise is actively endeavoring to recruit and convert heterosexual children to enterprise with them.

We know this, because one brave public official sees right through the happy images from gay marriages and new episodes of Glee. Virginia’s Sterling County Supervisor Eugene Delgaudio, is also the President of the irreplaceable organization The Public Advocate of the United States.

It was Mr. Delgaudio who blew the whistle about the REAL reason behind the Transportation Security Agency’s intrusive enhanced pat-downs.

"The next TSA official that gives you an 'enhanced pat down' could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission."

Actually, that does sound just a little exciting, and I’m not even gay. But wait – it gets worse.

 “…this is their scheme to grow their ranks. You see, Homosexuals do not reproduce. They must recruit our children into their filthy perversion to increase their numbers.” 

And there you have it. They don’t reproduce, and need to recruit, if they’re to get that market share moving up. The excellent work they’ve done through the TSA is only one element of a larger plan.

The fashion industry angle is a no-brainer, because an effective campaign needs levers of societal control. And everyone knows the gays control the fashion business - just like the Chinese control the world supply of rare earth minerals, Jay Leno controls the world supply of unfunny jokes, and the Jews control whatever it is they’re supposed to control this week. 

Gays need to use that lever of control. They need to grasp that lever firmly and give it a good tug. Keep pulling on that lever. Keep pulling and don’t stop. Pull that lever harder and faster until you get the payoff. [Editor’s note: ManTalkNow, we’ve cautioned you before about this kind of talk. We’re not kidding.]

So what the gays are trying to do, via fashion and fashion models, is quite simply turn heterosexual men off women permanently. Use these horrifying nightmare images of women as expensively-dressed, bony, de-feminized, castrating cadavers. Because ONLY the perception of mortal threat (or really serious threat to our money) can stop men from being hopelessly interested in women.

Now contrast those scary women with your friendly neighborhood gay. His name is Bob or Juan, and he’s not so scary, is he? Gay men are friendly, cheerful and approachable. They won’t take away your money. They won’t cut off your treasured parts. Hell, they’ll treat your treasured parts very nicely!

And really… is it such a great distance from playing basketball and having a beer with a gay, to making out with one?

It’s a very comprehensive, very brilliant strategy, and I admire it tremendously. It’s the kind of approach I would implement if I were on the board of the World Homosexual Council. According to leaked papers, this aggressive market share growth strategy is dubbed simply “The Big Gay Thrust”.

Now, maybe you’re skeptical - maybe you find the Big Gay Thrust hard to swallow. [Editor’s note: This is your last warning, ManTalkNow.]

That’s fine with me. What do I care if you can’t face facts? But then how else do you explain this?

Murderous Cossack will slaughter you unless you hide in the Gay Village  

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