Pakistan may be a terribly fragile, nuclear-armed state, riddled with terrorism, crime and corruption, featuring a disintegrating economy and horrendous capital flight. But at least they’re cracking down on a top priority social problem: naughty texting.

The Guardian newspaper reports that the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority has issued a list of more than 1,000 words and phrases, in English and Urdu, that mobile phone companies must block from SMS texts. These include the obvious and familiar, such as the F-word and references to people’s delightful parts, but also some intriguing choices.

It appears that Pakistani officials frown very much on their citizens texting descriptions of masturbation. Among the newly-banned text terms are such constructions as “beat the meat” and “pocket pool”, along with many other euphemisms for onanism.

I’m not sure why this issue has come to a head just now in Pakistan. I suppose it’s possible that there has been a recent explosion of self-love, or self-entertainment, or self-abuse, depending on how you view the solitary act. And perhaps there has been a corresponding flood of Pakistanis proudly gushing about their activities, via texts to their friends. We just don’t know.

One of the banned phrases, in particular, caught my attention. I hadn’t heard it before. It is henceforth not permitted to text that one has, is engaged in, or is planning to “flog the dolphin”. The next time I’m in Lahore, I will abide by the new strictures. No combination of dolphins, plus flogging, will appear in my texts.

But what a curious phrase it is. And what strange ways we’ve invented to speak of the love that needs no partner. Why is it that we so often describe it in terms of animal cruelty? Flogging a dolphin sounds very mean. And dolphins are such friendly and pleasant creatures.

We also:

·         Flog the mule

·         Fist the eel

·         Choke the chicken

·         Spank the monkey

·         Slap the donkey

·         Toss the turkey

·         Wring the rooster

·         Axe the weasel

·         Pump the python

·         Rope the pony

·         Burp the worm

·         Garrotte the goose

·         Shake the snake

·         Hoist the hog

·         Milk the lizard

·         Whip the rat, and

·         Pound the bald-headed moose

Now, none of this makes much sense to me. To whom, exactly, does the act of masturbation immediately call to mind various offences and forms of violence against an astonishing variety of defenseless animals?

It is generally considered a pleasant thing to do to oneself, yes? A happy private time of self-indulgence and release of tension. And afterwards, it seems to me that people feel relaxed and content.

Why, then, does English idiom feature such a rich cornucopia of masturbation metaphors involving creature torture? And why isn’t People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals taking the bull by the horns and doing something about this? You’d think it would be right up their alley.

It seems to me that phrases describing auto-satiation should be positive, uplifting ones that celebrate a healthful and harm-free procedure, which produces fleeting moments of joy. Why not something like:

·         Release the fountain jets

·         Launch the rocket

·         Free the creative juices

·         Raise the staff

·         Grasp my concept

And for the girls:

·         Caress the petals

·         Open the curtains

·         Stroll through the garden

·         Tickle the tulip

·         Dance with Diana

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