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Testosterone Ain't Hormone Pollution
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NOVEMBER 18, 2011 2:22PM

You Mustn't Flog the Dolphin in Pakistan

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Dolphin 

Don’t hurt this fine fellow

 

Pakistan may be a terribly fragile, nuclear-armed state, riddled with terrorism, crime and corruption, featuring a disintegrating economy and horrendous capital flight. But at least they’re cracking down on a top priority social problem: naughty texting.

 

The Guardian newspaper reports that the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority has issued a list of more than 1,000 words and phrases, in English and Urdu, that mobile phone companies must block from SMS texts. These include the obvious and familiar, such as the F-word and references to people’s delightful parts, but also some intriguing choices.

 

It appears that Pakistani officials frown very much on their citizens texting descriptions of masturbation. Among the newly-banned text terms are such constructions as “beat the meat” and “pocket pool”, along with many other euphemisms for onanism.

 

I’m not sure why this issue has come to a head just now in Pakistan. I suppose it’s possible that there has been a recent explosion of self-love, or self-entertainment, or self-abuse, depending on how you view the solitary act. And perhaps there has been a corresponding flood of Pakistanis proudly gushing about their activities, via texts to their friends. We just don’t know.

 

One of the banned phrases, in particular, caught my attention. I hadn’t heard it before. It is henceforth not permitted to text that one has, is engaged in, or is planning to “flog the dolphin”. The next time I’m in Lahore, I will abide by the new strictures. No combination of dolphins, plus flogging, will appear in my texts.

 

But what a curious phrase it is. And what strange ways we’ve invented to speak of the love that needs no partner. Why is it that we so often describe it in terms of animal cruelty? Flogging a dolphin sounds very mean. And dolphins are such friendly and pleasant creatures.

 

We also:

 

·         Flog the mule

·         Fist the eel

·         Choke the chicken

·         Spank the monkey

·         Slap the donkey

·         Toss the turkey

·         Wring the rooster

·         Axe the weasel

·         Pump the python

·         Rope the pony

·         Burp the worm

·         Garrotte the goose

·         Shake the snake

·         Hoist the hog

·         Milk the lizard

·         Whip the rat, and

·         Pound the bald-headed moose

 

Now, none of this makes much sense to me. To whom, exactly, does the act of masturbation immediately call to mind various offences and forms of violence against an astonishing variety of defenseless animals?

 

It is generally considered a pleasant thing to do to oneself, yes? A happy private time of self-indulgence and release of tension. And afterwards, it seems to me that people feel relaxed and content.

 

Why, then, does English idiom feature such a rich cornucopia of masturbation metaphors involving creature torture? And why isn’t People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals taking the bull by the horns and doing something about this? You’d think it would be right up their alley.

 

It seems to me that phrases describing auto-satiation should be positive, uplifting ones that celebrate a healthful and harm-free procedure, which produces fleeting moments of joy. Why not something like:

 

·         Release the fountain jets

·         Launch the rocket

·         Free the creative juices

·         Raise the staff

·         Grasp my concept

 

And for the girls:

 

·         Caress the petals

·         Open the curtains

·         Stroll through the garden

·         Tickle the tulip

·         Dance with Diana

 

I should note that comments comparing the value of this blog post to the subject matter at hand would be accepted as correct.

  

Now saying odd things on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/ManTalkNow   

 

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Comments

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Nothing comes to me at the moment.
This week, it's 3 years since I started typing this silly blog. Today's topic is oddly appropriate to mark the milestone.
This is no joke. Forget about Pakistan...I was almost flogged to death by a bus driver for masturbating on a city bus here, in our advanced civilized, supposedly, society. See my post 'The Bus Driver tried To Kill me'...wink
One of the finest essays in the English language sir. Congratulations on the EP.
Don, thank you for your appreciation of this important and earth-shaking (moving?) post. ;)
Well Mr. Man, thank you as usual for your unique international perspective and the lengths to which you'll grow I mean go, to demonstrate that despite superficial differences, at the end of the day (or any other time) most human beings are just interested in coming into their own.

I didn't know there were so many animal-related euphemisms for male self-love. And so violent, too. Then again, I never knew anyone outside of Ohio engaged in onanism. (There's not much else to do here.)

My only quarrel with this otherwise arousing piece is that the phrases you've chosen to describe the act for women are so - sedate. I did a little groping around myself and came up with the following (oddly enough, lots for women are also animal-oriented although not in a vicious way).

Twirlin' the pearl
Airing the orchid
Tickling the kitty
Doodling the noodle
Buffing the bead
Gilding the lily

And how about my favorite, menage a moi.
Oh for cripes sake. I was going to tell you this really was outstanding and should be an editors pick, but it didn't have a chance. Then I see it is. Now we know what they're doing when they read.
Margaret, thank you. You are a smart person, and an excellent one.

Your suggestions are far better than mine. I'll be noodling on these myself at some point... perhaps later tonight.

Ménage à moi is just perfect. Love it.
Why hasn't PETA gotten involved in banning these euphemisms? Such animal cruelty!

Congrats on the EP!
How about "Stretching the Truth?"...for the manly term...
Mike, "Stretching the Truth" works on a number of levels, doesn't it? There could a kind of aspirational aspect to it for those of... short stature.

Or, you could go the Jersey Shore way. If Michael Sorriento can call his abs "The Situation", I imagine there's someone equally interesting and thrilling out there who refers to his equipment as "The Truth".
Oh, come on, Man! :D

Lezlie
OMG! This is hilarious! I thought you should have "come to a head," in quotes. Too funny!
Ménage à moi ...heh
more contributions:
rub the nub
humping the hairdryer (well that's what mine looks like anyway)
riding the beehive of bliss
circling the drain
I much prefer one of my own concocktions -- bruising the braunschweiger
Tom, we're talking "braunschweiger" as in "sausage", right?

Without endorsing any particular proclivities, mind you... shouldn't braunschweiger be smoked, rather than bruised?
This is wonderfully self-indulgent. I like how the dolphin in the picture you choose appears to understand everything perfectly.
Que rico ~
Well, congrats on a great post AND on anticipating and speaking to my constructive criticism before I could type it. Glad to hear that we women have not been forgotten. Shall be reposting. ITM, I'm wondering what the appropriate forum would be for a contest for inventing respectful allusions to auto-pleasure.
I always heard loping the mule. Flogging sounds like it would hurt.