I’m having difficulty keeping track of the feuds, scuffles, skirmishes and wars. I can’t figure out who’s in which tribe. How the hell can I know how to take sides?
I mean, I’ve got a vague idea of which personalities seem to itch for fights, which people feel most alive when they’re either provoking or gleefully responding to provocation, and who gets really, really excited at the prospect of a “dustup”.
I think I even understand some of the dynamics that lead to the development of a mega-cluster-dustup. My theory is that it’s similar to the physics of a tornado – the right combination of temperature and pressure – with a bit of the chemistry of bored online people mixed in.
Look, I feel a certain sense of ownership toward Open Salon. I have to. I’ve been polluting this place with my vainglorious, verbose and pointless posts for nearly four years.
And I know I’ve been a bad member for some time now. Just posting and running. Not reading or commenting as much as I should, and not even responding to comments on my own blog (though I do read them). I’ve been ManTalkAndDon’tListen, and I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to do better.
But help a wolf out, willya? Somebody has to make the OS experience easier, and not just for me. There must be others out there who are puzzled by all the battles and attacks, and who need to understand how the combatants line up.
I think it’s vital that someone produce an at-a-glance chart describing who hates whom. A little detail on why whom is hated by who would be very edifying, too. Given that a rapidly growing portion of the content posted here seems to be of the belligerent sort, aimed at other OS members, this would seem to be a logical and necessary step.
The next step, of course, should be to rename Open Salon as Open Combat. Like those “first-person shooter” games, bloggers would be required to sign up for one of the different tribes/armies, in order to participate in the “first-person slanderer” games.
What fun! I can’t wait. I have a massive cache of ammunition at the ready. An endless supply of words, some short, some multisyllabic, all sharply pointed.
Consider me an eager, enthusiastic and capable hired gun. You want me in the fight with you. Whichever side manages to recruit me will be very lucky.
I’m also the proud owner of broad shoulders, a square jaw, nice teeth and girlish lips. You get those as a free bonus.
Now saying odd things on Twitter: http://twitter.com/mantalknow
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Lauren J Barnhart
Lunchlady 2
just phyllis
toritto
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Comments
I try to stay out of them, but if I can't in future, I'll take your sharp-edged verbiage for whatever side I'm on.
(trying to get something started here - how'm I doing?)
I'm just being a stupid ass. It's what I do when I'm not being a pompous ass.
And people that write meta-posts! like you . . and me..
....ok, that was pure gold *snip, snip* going in the file.
I hate you, too. Let's make sure the OS Hate Chart has that registered correctly.
Can't wait to get into a dustup with you. I'll use fancy metropolitan words you can't spell with the 17 -letter alphabet you morons in Kansas use.
Which is really unfortunate, because it's one of the things I'm best at.
I see you took the time to read my last post, so hate you a little less now. You might call me a minimalist, but you try writing with only seventeen letters (how many in your alphabit?).
Still, actually, I do despise you. You get entirely too much sex, and are far too much a gentleman for my tastes.
It was you that ruined the vibe at Studio 54, you that soured women all over the world to the charms of Kansas men. You, you, you.. obstreperous man of the world!
I'll draw the damned chart in the part of my yard that is pure dust now, photograph it with my motorola razr phone, and upload it for you.
Can you put that in your chart?
:-D
ᴼᴥƪ
.
Carly Simon wrote that song about YOU. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
I love MTN, and trig and Julie, and oh, gosh, anyone who says something nice to me. I'm that kind of gal, *easy* to get along with.
So, as to the rest of 'em, they can keep doing what I woulda told 'em to do anyway. They are obviously doing IT.
Yours, sincerely,
SisterPollyanna HowlongcanIworkthisschtick
The Archdiocese of Notaclue, West Whatsup
r.
*kicks up dust*
Please do tell whatever debutante has hired your services for the hour that she'll need to get on her way now so you can tend your blog.
10 rates is a new record, no?
P.S. I love everybody - even Wolves in cheap Avatars! R
And who are you calling "bored online people."
I don't know the answers to these or any other questions.
But I do know if you were looking to start a dust-up it ain't gonna happen with the likes of these toothless limp-wristed comments.
And speaking of toothless and limp-wristed...
We have some important things to discuss, Arthur. Like cummerbund colors. Wedding invitation stock. Table centerpieces. Rice or balloons. Or maybe doves! Let's give everyone a dove! And whether or not we should retouch your photos for the album. You know, to make you look younger. So it looks less like a September/December match and more like September/Late October.
trilogy
@Arthur: I'm really sorry I missed your post, which apparently included exactly the document I call for here. Further evidence I'm being a bad OS member.
Now, as a vain man, I'm very pleased you were talking with someone about who I am. But that someone doesn't know who I am. At least I don't think so. And who I am is just... who I am. I'm not someone else, posting here under another name.
Here's who I am:
A businessman. A capitalist who's smart enough to know it's necessary to raise taxes (a little) on people like me, but not on corporations (If you think that's right-wing, check out how much lower corporate taxes are in Scandinavia.). And mark my words, friends. We will have a Value Added Tax (VAT) in this country soon. There's no other way to raise the revenue we need. To my conservative friends, please don't try to claim we just need spending cuts, not revenue increases. We're far past that point. The red ink is about to rise beyond our nostrils. And all you aging boomers mean we've got some big bills to pay.
I'm also a liberal who's not going to waste time and energy dissing the President for not being liberal enough. Mainstream centrist is how I like my presidents. Boring is good, when it comes to politics. We could use more boring politics in this country. It's far too exciting.
In sum, I'm a self-interested, often unpleasant man, with an over-inflated self-image, a knack for self-sabotage, and friends much better than I deserve.
There's more to me, of course - much more, and I can't wait to tell you. It's why I have this lovely diary. Er... blog.
MTN, if you can figure out who I've slept with, contemplated sleeping with, or tried and failed to sleep with, you know who I hate. Any woman who steals a man from me has my undying admiration. The rest of the obstreperous are pests but not proper enemies. Does this explain it?
Trudge, I think you're right. Notice I didn't volunteer.
old new lefty, I am indeed smiling. Nice teeth, remember? Always want to show off some of your prettiest assets. ;)
Sirenita, I didn't understand your comment at all. Nonetheless, it definitely made me sit up straight. Please tell me more about about whom you've slept with, contemplated sleeping with, or tried and failed to sleep with.
This is the kind of conversation that requires lubrication. I'll open a bottle for it. Er... the kind you drink. At least at first. I mean, I barely know you.
Well, should the 'sign up for your camp' be implemented I'll have to vacate I guess, unless there will be a camp for those who don't like to choose sides - or maybe there can be a 'those who try to promote online tolerance' camp ;).
Second thought.. I'll probably just vacate the premises.
Rated for I'm just a little tired of everything lately.
ᴼᴥƪ
.
Lets get into something interesting and new. I think you're an actuarian from Cincinnati with a frisky wife, 9 children (none from twins) because you're frisky too, and you read 3 modern romance novels cover to cover to create this blog.
Everything else has been blogged to death. Tell us the unique names of your children and how the eldest glued the youngest to the bathroom floor when you skipped church two weeks ago so you and the wife could squeeze in a nooner.
While I'm waiting for the story, rip those girlish lips away from that bong and pass it over please.
~r
You admitted that You Have Polluted GOPs,
DEMs, Open Salon, and deserve Gold Prizes.
You get Vainglorious EP, Green Jade Collar,
and . . .
Glory. Gold Goblet. Cheers! Four More Beers!
`
You Sure Have Fun Foes. You Growl. Belch.
Snort Crack. Bark Like WolfHound. V.Corso?
Man Talk Now - Graciously No Beheads Foe.
If We Folks Ever Get Beheaded? Big Smiles.
Heads Rolling Off Dog or Human Smiles.
No Frown. Head Roll Down Road? Smiles.
`
Deborah Young.
You Look Young.
I'm told I Young.
`
I Win Mercedes.
I've Young Voice.
I Tuckered Elder.
I Weary as Dog.
Do you have a good tequila in your list of lubricants?
Nobody else my age or younger would ordinarily have any interest in dating someone of her own advanced years. Why bother, with all the young babes out there?
In fact, I took the liberty of interviewing the men mentioned in the age-records section of the Guinness book, and only one-third of them would be willing to even chance a first date with her. And they all said they would bail out at the start of the evening if she doesn't pass the smell test.
Most people want a blog to have a comments function, however, so I reluctantly keep my comments function open.
I never visit others' blogs and leave drive-by comments. If I feel compelled to leave a comment on someone's blog, it's going to be about the subject matter of the piece that I'm commenting on.
I can say that I don't start fights on OS, but that I have on many occasions stupidly taken the trolls' bait, which I need to learn to stop doing.
-A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Though if I were an actuary, I'd have to destroy myself. Really.
So how's that sexy new bidet working out for you? Or not.
P.S. If you do sleep with Julie - make her take off that cap.
But hear my heartfelt plea. Stop using turpentine to bleach your hair. Though it surely does achieve the (desired?) hue, the fumes are not good at all for your middle-aged brain.
If you want to alter your consciousness (and who needs it more?), please do try marijuana. It's legal for white people.
Now I can go back to the drudgery of trying to cover up "Surfin' Safari Blue" with "Crisp Morn" and not even care how much paint I've slopped on the carpet or on the woodwork. Or that it's all over my feet. Or that I have to pluck dog hair off the walls before it dries. Since they insist on being in there with me and I can't say no.
I'm walkin' on sushine, oh yeah...even though my feet are sticking to the floor.
Well it's better than being a hairy beast from a state only known for one thing: a city with the same name as the state. How arrogant and presumptuous is that. It kind of sends a message to the rest of the state: you're less than nothing. At least Ohioans were creative enough to name their major cities something more than "Ohio City." I mean, in a place like Kansas, for example, it's forgivable: Kansas City. What else would you expect from people who couldn't even name their own state - they really wanted to be Arkansas but they weren't allowed to be Arkansas II so they cleverly dropped the "AR". Then the even more clever folks in Arkansas changed the pronunciation to ArkanSAW to really confuse the Kansans. In befuddled retaliation, the Kansans named their biggest city Kansas City. But to further mess with them, the practical jokers in Missouri who are pals with the practical jokers in Arkansas, also named a city Kansas City. Right next to Kansas City, Kansas. No wonder they're all so konfused down there.
Even the dunderheads in Illinois called their only claim to fame "Chicago."
Then again, maybe Bleue is right; maybe you're really an actuarian from Cincinnati with 9 kids. If I had 9 kids I guess I'd be hitting a bong regularly too and reading romance novels. Like, every waking moment.
And listen furface, my middle-aged brain and my consciousness are fine just the way they are, no alterations necessary!!! As is my hair. Just ask Phyllis. Who comes from an inferior state to both Ohio and Illinois (but superior to New York and Kansas) because it named its biggest city Indianapolis. They made an effort, lame as it was. That's saying something.
For pity's sake, please make up some lovely stories giving yourself a miraculously ordinary life. Please don't give the kids a labrador, pick an unusual but wonderful breed and I'd like your wife quirky and charming. An endearing person who can calmly deal with a 12 year old gluing a baby to the floor.
It's hard enough for me to hate people in real life, let alone on a blogging site, and even if I could, it would be a waste of energy. What you are characterizing here as *hate* I would characterize more as a free and frank exchange of viewpoints, without which blogging would be a bland and never-ending series of circle-jerks replete with mandatory comments such as "Beautiful post, I admire your courage. Rated." There are many who'd disagree with me vehemently on this point, but flame wars are a necessary and vital part of what blogging is. Still, as I've pointed out, I don't have the time or energy to hate anyone here, though I would hate anyone who, in real life, harmed someone I loved, no question about that. Here in OS, however, I don't hate Matt or Lippy or anyone else really, but (tangent warning here!) regarding the kind of specimens like K O who post peoples' real names online without their permission, I can summon a pretty fair amount of anger. Such actions can have real life consequences for the person thus attacked, and there's never any justification for it, ever. Before Kate decided it was her job to perform such actions, there was another harridan, Bonnie R. I'll call her, who outed people on a daily basis, and as a result she's no longer with us here in OS. Tough shit for her, I guess, but even for that woman I can't summon anything resembling hate (or for K O for that matter); contempt and disgust mixed with pity would be a more accurate phrase.
None of that is to say I'm a pacifist or a "Can't We All Just Get Along" type. Heh heh, I am definitely not. But the term hate (much like the au courant phrases "witch hunt" or "Cyber Gang Bully Nazi Rapers") seems to be slung around a little too freely these days and, rather than adding anything useful to the conversation, it just serves to cheapen and dilute the discourse to the point where it's basically meaningless. You mention "sides" in this post, but sometimes there aren't sides; sometimes there are people who are fairly awful humans and when they get called on it, there is always a group of OSers who band together in self-righteous little packs and who whine for days about how it's "mean" and "witch hunting" to speak openly about the actions of people who, by any objective reckoning, are pieces of shit.
Written with love from the Fly-over
(I Hate You)
Nanatehay
Now though... toothy woman from a flyover state? That does work. The teeth of a beaver, that woman. And yes, I'm jealous.
Also, true it is that cities named after their state are lame (credit to Margaret). Kansas City, Kansas.. is a particularly lame place. I've been there. Kansas City, Missouri . . is more stupid yet, is it not? Might as well be called New York, Missouri, or Indiana City, Missouri.
Glad to see you've put away the brandy snifter tonight MTN. Your "I am a business man bla bla"comment last night made me so uncomfortable that I found myself on the receiving end of the bong 'til the pain went away.
Now though... toothy woman from a flyover state? That does work. The teeth of a beaver, that woman. And yes, I'm jealous.
Also, true it is that cities named after their state are lame (credit to Margaret). Kansas City, Kansas.. is a particularly lame place. I've been there. Kansas City, Missouri . . is more stupid yet, is it not? Might as well be called New York, Missouri, or Indiana City, Missouri.
Glad to see you've put away the brandy snifter tonight MTN. Your "I am a business man bla bla"comment last night made me so uncomfortable that I found myself on the receiving end of the bong 'til the pain went away.
I'm sorry about the "businessman declaration". I know it can be a pain, but I have to say words of that sort at least once every week. The Bilderberg Group requires it, in order to remain a member in good standing. There's also a cool secret handshake, and you get free dental, and coupons for discounts with Applebee's, Ikea and Belgian hookers.
Now, please pass the bong. (This is now the official Open Salon end-of-comment transition phrase.)
You read my post, right? Did you hear me getting all teary-eyed? Pleading for us all to sing Kumbaya together? Naw.
Sure there's a (slight, banal) point to what I wrote. I'm goofing on the silliness of how exercised some folks get sometimes over electronic words typed out by who knows what kind of people, who knows where, under the influence of who knows what odd influences.
I'm frankly amazed at how seriously people can take blogging - and other bloggers. Is it really that important? And do people really create alters and rate their own blogs? For real? Are these people allowed to leave the secure ward?
But, honestly, I don't feel particularly strongly about all this. Just enough to poke the OS community a little.
Hey, Harry, give it a rest already! That preaching to the benighted masses, holier-than-thou, oh-so-superior Jesus Christ Pose looks like shit on you, and, from constant over-use, it's loosing a lot of whatever cachet it may once had. Come down from the cross, fella, the water's fine down here and the world ain't gonna end til Wednesday!
Yes, MTN, the locked ward is a joke around here.
Anyone notice Sirenita is showing her pussy in her avatar?
cheshyre grin
August 17, 2012 05:04 PM
So, there was a woman who has an avatar with her much-loved cat in it, a cat which died recently and for which she still grieves, and your response is a "witticism" not even worthy of a 4th grader. I think, Harry, that the lack of oxygen all the way up there in that elevated zone you dwell in is taking a toll on your brain cells. Thanks though for coming down to ground level every now and then and showing us what a slimy little fuck you are.
*group grope*
Then he proceeds to turn your very own blog into an online pop culture/English/liberal arts survey/linguistics course with a little debate team on the side.
I would tell him to get the Foucault off my blog if I were you.
Whom does he think he is anyway?
@trig: I NEVER HAD HELMET HAIR! It was the picture and the way the wind was blowing.
@Sirenita: There's also the interesting contraction "you'uns" (pronounced "yins") that I've only ever heard people in western PA (south of Pittsburgh) say. Like my mother's relatives. Only used in the plural form. ("How long it take you'uns to get there?")
@Emily: I made it to the bathroom stalls? That's been my dream since I was a wee child! Gotta rub mom's nose in it. SI'd never make it beyond construction road crew port-a-pottys.
Sometimes I slip and forget my audience.
thanks in advance... unless you're on the losing team, in which case nananana booboo and fuck you very much.
Says- blow me ManTalk.
Margaret. You can have whatever is left.
Jeff.. very chivalrous but the cat.. yes, hit the bong, or come here, I'll hook ya up
Love, Love, Love
nothing you can see that isn't shown
no word you can say that isn't known
(me talking?)
:)
You know it's a dud when Drew-Silla and that officious Emma Peel don't bother to show. Sorry, MTN. Which will now forever stand for "Me Too Nice", at least in my mind.
@trig: I usually turn up my nose at left-overs but - okay you've got a deal. I'll take it. I can't leave without some kind of trophy.
@Sirenita: You're not fooling anyone hiding behind that cute little cat, you hussy. Harry's on to you and so am I. Stay away from Arthur, Sirenita. Calm yourself; we've invited all the males from the Alzheimer's unit of the local nursing home to the wedding. That way if you've been with any of them before they won't remember.
Have a lovely day, ladies. ;)
I've lost three cats of my own, I had no idea why you switched to that pic. If I had I'd of said nothing. No idea you thought we have a history either. No wonder you got all riled. But if you want to be all upset and offended, don't let me stop you.
But I can do better, because I'm a clever wolf.
See, through the magic of selective editing, I can use some of the very words in Harry/Cheshyre's comment to offer this:
"I had no idea you lost a cat, Sirenita. My mistake. Don’t let my innocent humor upset you. I’ve got nothing against you."
Whaddaya think? Am I a freakin' genius, or what?
MTN, how does an urban sophisticate like you know about all the Home Depots in a li'l hick town like mine? I'll have you know there are plenty of Lowes, Ace Hardwares, a couple of Sutherlands and my personal favorite DIY chain, Jimbo's Feed, Weed, Live Bait & Cell Phones.
my tribe is best, tho it is lonely, i admit.
hope all is good in your neck of the woods. or city. or town. or the continent.
How you do nurse a grudge. Maybe it goes with having no manners. Life's too short, dude. That projection thing? I would look at that.
`
They smell like wet CAT FUR Butts.
I just agree. Comments go to Space.
I Gladly Go Home To MOON HOWL.
I sit on my porch and Wolfhound bark.
Honest. I No see another rural neighbor.
I am invited tonight to view DEM Spiels.
I vote for Michelle Obama. She's Firm.
Monsanto CROOKS oppose Organics.
Politicos TALK like ALPO Overdosed.
I just heard EVIL Toxic news polluter.
`
Monsanto is EVIL embodiment? Yes.
I've viewed MBC Nighty News. Sigh.
Monsanto poisons the dog & human.
`
Beware . . .
CEO's are ill.
CEO eat 'Alpo'
and delude Us.
Media serve Us?
Toxic CAT Scats!
`
huh
`
smile?
O, sigh.
I go visit.
`
My rural neighbors are Hospitable.
They Open their door. We Imbibe.
CEO's act as LOCO as a Toxic Snail.
Snail Slug drop dead in Dog House.
`
gads
`
I may blame PA Lebanon Baloney?
It's shiped to nincompoops in USA.
People get sick and deny their ILL.
`
I than wise folk like ` koshersaalmi.
`
I say Salon's Crew is SCREWY TOO!
I’ll try a third time, this time on a word processing program and copying it.
So, you want do know who hates whom?
Easy. Start with a sort of Mad Libs, filling in the blanks of your choice from the following list of words:
Obama
Palestinians
Civil Unions
Trayvon
Nazi
Conception
Editors’ Pick
Rush
Al Sharpton
Citizens United
Drones
Gay
Israel
Tea Party
Burqa
Deficit
Racist
Lots of errors
Gitmo
Circumcision
Katrina
Assault Rifles
Censorship
Job Creators
Anti-Semitic
Alters
Then sit back, watch the fights start, and keep track.
There you go