On-line dating is like playing poker in Vegas, you get lucky and win a few hands, but mostly you lose. In the end, the house always wins. Think about it, those dating sites are making a mint off of us! The majority of my dates from on-line dating were with the mentally ill rejects from American Idol auditions or at least it seemed that way.
I’m recently divorced and I’ve been out of the dating game so long that I didn’t realize how much the landscape had changed. I believe the advent of Facebook, Twitter, dating sites, etc., has made us socially inept so much so that the art of courting, in my opinion, is in fact, dead.
My friend and fellow comic, Josh Wade (@joshwade) says it best, "On-line dating is like shopping for people at Marshall's. Sure, you can find a gem here and there, but for the most part, it's damaged goods. I don't even consider it on-line dating. To me, it's just a database of who is left.”
I think on-line dating should be called on-line sexting. Case in point, just recently, a fellow comedian I’d never met sent me a message on Facebook. In the guise of being "truthful" he told me that he masturbated to one of my Facebook photos...charming! Then came the question one would get if they were involved with let’s say Kanye West or Anthony Weiner...“Can I send you a picture of my penis?”
What?! No! It’s so sad but the meat and two veg pix are all too common in the current dating world. Here is my theory on the penis picture phenomenon. I believe sending a c—k shot is a primal urge for some men. It is the equivalent of male apes showing female apes their junk in order to mate. What these amateur photographers are saying is…”I’d like to have sex with you. Here is a picture of my best asset. Are you interested or not?” That way they don’t have to actually woo a girl, they can just cut to the chase so to speak.
It's not like I expected a guy I met on Facebook to have a conversation with me about Foucault's Pendulum, but maybe, where did you grow up would have been a better lead in? I asked my girlfriends if they would like to receive unsolicited schvantz shots and most were repulsed by the idea.
Don’t some men realize that women are seduced between their ears not by what’s between a man’s legs? I hope to God the digital age hasn’t ruined romance.
My favorite site is: http://isanyoneup.com/. It’s got to be the largest collection of iPhone penis shots on the web. The pictures are posted by apparently bored dudes on tour buses and their angry, groupie, ex-girlfriends, seeking revenge. A lot of these guys are in rock bands and bands you’ve heard of! Don’t worry dudes, there are plenty of skanky chicks posting naked shots of themselves too. It looks like most have had their lady flowers laser hair removed too.
JDate has been the biggest culprit of this deranged behavior for me. Here is an actual conversation I had with a potential suitor on our first ever phone call:
“Hey, nice to finally talk to you over the phone.” I said excitedly.
“Yeah. Are you just home from work?” He asked not nearly as enthusiastic.
“Me, yeah, tough day, so stressed out.” I let out a deep breath for dramatic effect.
“Did you wear a dress to work today? He inquired.
“Yes, this cute floral Marc Jacobs dress, just bought it at Loehmans. It was over $300.00 dollars but I got if for $167.00” I told him proud of myself for my bargain shopping skills.
“Tell me more about the dress.” He asked softly.
“Well, it looks like a fifties dress. It’s tapered at the waist, has these little sleeves, and comes down to just over my knees. I paired it with these black heels and I look like I walked out of the set of “Mad Men.” I told him, very content with my accurate description.
Then I heard a very loud “Uggghhhhhhhhhhh….Ahhhhhhhhhh.” That’s not what I think it was, was it? “Did you just orgasm over my work dress?” I inquired not wanting to believe that’s what just happened.
“Yes. Thank you.” He said in an exhausted but satisfied way.
“You can’t do that! If you’re going to have phone sex with someone than they need to know so they can participate, otherwise it’s phone rape!” I yelled.
Another winner on JDate asked if he could send me a video of him pleasuring himself. "You know that's okay, I have tons of Netflix DVD's I haven't watched yet. Seriously, “Mahogany” has been sitting on my coffee table for months!” I said.
My favorite JDater was “Dr. Marty,” He sent me a list of his favorite things he likes to do when spending time with a woman. Here they are verbatim:
"1) Notice, enjoy and share the humor that is part of everyday life. 2) Cuddle with someone I really like. 3) Eat Spicy food and chocolate."
Awww isn't that sweet? I love all of those things too.
"4) Eat the p--sy of someone I really like."
Ummm, wait, what?!
"5) Admire and fondle the boobs of someone I really like. You could combine #2 and #4, as both are forms of eating, but if I were to combine any two of these it would be #4 and #5, as I could do them both at the same time, if you sit on my face. I swear it’s a comfortable place.”
I like how his list culminated in Chinese food lunch special combinations. I'm wondering if I could get a side salad and a soda with the #4 or #5.
Dr. Marty was well aware that I’m a comedian but still thought it was a good idea to send me this list. I'll admit I did find it hilarious and wrote a comedy bit called "Dr. Marty's favorite things." I changed the lyrics to the Sound of Music's "My Favorite Things" song to include Dr. Marty’s list. I sang my version of the song while wearing a Von Trapp dress. It killed.
Dr. Marty got progressively creepier. On “hump day” (every Wednesday) he would send me a picture of a couple "doing it." I thought his last name was oralone because that was his email address but then realized that it wasn’t his last name. His email address is ORAL ONE because of his love of dining at the Y.
Then the many penis shots arrived. My favorites were the ones that showed how large his penis is. He would compare it side by side with a Coke can or a remote. I would have been more impressed if he used the Statue Of Liberty as a comparrison or if his penis did magical tricks, otherwise, it ain’t all that special. What was providing me good comedy material was now making me feel as if I should take a “Silkwood” shower.
To be truthful, I'm scared of the on-line dating scene. I don’t want to receive any more schlong photos. Maybe if I met a guy more organically (like in person) at the food court in Target or at the DMV, they wouldn’t be so emboldened to send me crotch shots or dirty emails? For the meantime, I’m going “off-line.” I’m going to date myself which I think I did already by using that “Silkwood” shower joke.